Blackseraphine

I fell asleep and woke back up at past 5am. So here I am trying to make sense of things, trying to pick out the right words...

It's futile. All the things that I was upset about, the things I felt wrong, the tears shed, all of it, is pointless. Because there is no problem unless it's their problem. Nothing is wrong unless it's wrong for them. So if they can't see what bothers you, does it even exist in the first place?

I thought about it so much. I wanted him to keep his friendships. I don't want him to feel awkward, weird or restricted around his friends. I considered not saying anything at all even if it felt wrong. But it felt heavy like a burden. Then I ended up saying a little bit after all. Maybe I should have left it alone.

Let them decide freely, make their choices without interference. And if she succeeds and gets under his skin, gets what she wants? Then that's his choice to make too.

If she succeeds, I would have to disappear.

Maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way. I have to be realistic. What if he sees me and realizes I'm an ugly potato? 

He would still need somebody. She can probably be the homemaker that he wanted, and everything else on that list. And she's a better fit in his life, his work, his friends...

There's not one path, one scenario, in all of this that I come out unscathed. In every possible outcome, I'm either the villain or the wounded. I'm either the villain that ruins the dynamic of his friendships or the collateral damage, an outsider, caught up in someone else's budding love story. 

Do I sound like I'm giving him away? I'm not. Where do I stand with him? Where am I? If I'm not at the forefront of his mind, then where am I?

I was so happy before this.....