19 July 2026

 I was finally able to sleep! I was tossing and turning... i felt like I was going to have a fever!


I wasn't planning to wake up at this time. But I kept waking— 6, 6:50, 7:30, 8, 8:45... I still feel tired. And drained. 


^ I just came back from checking in.


I became acutely aware of the futility of what I've been doing. I saw some clips and reality just hit me:  He probably doesn't even think anything was wrong.


I was going to say 'he probably doesn't think anything was bad' but I remember his reaction. He knew it was bad, but it was fun, so he did it anyway. Did he think anything was wrong when I told him I'll follow his lead? Probably not.


All is right in his world.


Yeah, maybe I'm the only one with a problem with it. I'm the only one torn up. So let's try to make this the last time we cry about it, okay? It's futile. It doesn't affect anyone but you.


This is last time you cry about this, okay? We grow colder, we grow harder. You've alwa

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