Blackseraphine

 "Even now"

When the I heard the news I was stunned. I think I spaced out for at least 30 minutes before the thoughts came running through my head. 

I thought I had time. Time to fix myself. Time to change. Then eventually come at my own time. Then suddenly this. I had so many thoughts coming to my head. Anong mukha ihaharap ko? I was afraid to disappoint. So many thoughts. I had to force myself to stop thinking about it because I had something more important to attend to.

And I didn't want to ruin the happy mood. My happy mood.

But after the day has passed and all was done, the news slowly started creeping back in my mind. I know that I would eventually have to face it. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't have the answer. 

But then seeing everything. Reading what was said. Hearing what was said,

"Even now"

And at first I thought it was fine. I even tried to joke about it even when it felt wrong. Maybe I'm used to suppressing things. My immediate thought was to refuse to acknowledge what I instinctively felt as wrong. But the more I thought of it... all those vulnerable feelings of anxiety, fear and feeling sorry was replaced... I felt cold. 

It is wrong. I'm good with my assessments; this is not a mere emotional response. And for it to be said in front of the other person?

Am I just supposed to accept this? If the roles were reversed, would it be accepted as well? Am I expected to just accept this? Is that how it's going to be?