Blackseraphine

 After seeing everything... Why does it look like they're right after all?

With her he's like a puppy. She whines for him to sit and he struggles to resist her command, while I pleaded for him to come back and waited for two months. I cried-laughed at the thought of it.

Was he enjoying all of this dynamic? Does he like it? When she's ordering him around? 

I remember what it was like. Remembering finding out that that person was crushing on a specific Japanese idol, and I was left in shock. I had zero feelings left, that wasn't the issue. The idol looked like the girl he had a crush on before me. I was stunned. All those times when he treated me poorly and I wondered why. I knew something was wrong, I could feel it. And then years later, I realized it was because of that. I wasn't what he wanted. He just "wanted" me because I was there! The hurt I felt.. 

Is this a repeat performance? Same name, same year, same problem?

I told that person before, why don't you pursue this person or that person instead? And he told me I was throwing him away. But I was also making a choice, a choice he couldn't make on his own. He didn't really love me, but stuck around because he wanted to have someone. 

Now it did seem like I was pushing him away. Am I doing it again? No. I'm not pushing him away. I don't want to. I had been so sure of him but he planted uncertainty in my mind and the fear that it will be like that again...

Maybe there's something there. Something he wanted to pursue but didn't. I don't know. Something unresolved. 

I don't want that. I will never want to play second to anyone like that again. I will never want to be someone's placeholder. I will hate myself more if I found myself again in that position and I will hate anyone who will make me hate myself. I would disappear in a heartbeat. 

I know I have nothing to show for. Not as young, or pretty, or accomplished. Even so, I'd like to keep my dignity.