Blackseraphine

I could feel my anger building, and I could not say anything more than good night.

I could not decide on a path to take. 

And for a while, I thought I could just ignore it. I was thinking that if I said something it would only bring more focus to it. 

What if I said something and because of that he ends up acting awkwardly around them and their camaraderie gets ruined?

What if I said something and he loses his friendships?

And I really don't want that. I could see his friendships keep him happy and I want him to have that.

And this was the problem. I didn't want to be the person to cause drama.

But at the same time, if I leave it alone, what if she succeeds to get under his skin? What if he isn't aware and becomes more and more open to her advances? I think I wouldn't have been bothered so much if she flirted up-front and direct like everybody else, or practiced as much restraint like everybody else. It's the difference between dying in a battlefield and drinking poison at a banquet. 

I thought of telling him. Like a warning.

What if I say something and he denies what's happening, or dismisses it?

What if I say something and I'm just seen as the person ruining the mood?

What if my words are simply dismissed as being emotional or jealous? I would hate that.

And the more I thought about possibilities, of choices and outcomes, the angrier I got.

Why should I be the one to bite my tongue and keep silent so they can keep having fun?

Why should I be the one to speak up and point it out?

More than what she's doing, more than what he said, I was angry because I felt like the choices and outcomes were falling on my shoulder:

Why do I have to choose between him having his fun friendships or having someone come between us? 

Why am I expected to see something as funny when it doesn't feel right to me? 

Why do I have to give up my own sense of self  to become "understanding" and "unproblematic"?

Why am I expected to set aside my own feelings and burn myself so others can have fun?

Why does it fall unto me to decide which way to go? To tell him and risk ruining his friendships and their good mood? To not tell him, and risk losing him anyway? 

Why is this burden suddenly mine?