Ah!!!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭
I've lost my mind.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Well. He must be busy. He probably didn't see😬
I knew! I knew I shouldn't say that! But I still went ahead and said it anyway! Aaaaaaahhhh!
Not gonna happen again! Not gonna happen again! 😭
I'm definitely, DEFINITELY, about to get my period.
It's been two hours and I'm still smiling.
I'm so fucking in love right now!
I've been going back and forth about this since Saturday. I still don't know what I did that made him stop coming. And my shitty memory isn't helping. Was it when I said that I noticed that he hasn't been coming as much? But that still doesn't make sense...
What the fuck did I do?
And yesterday I thought it was a fluke. I genuinely thought he'd be too busy to come. But he did come. Two consecutive days? Then again today? I couldn't believe it. It even felt strange. Because it's been so long, so now it felt unusual. I was even thinking about it last week, how dangerous it was for me. I could start to get used it. Start to feel comfortable. And start to forget. I've been so good at isolating myself from people in my life that it wouldn't be unusual for this to happen to me.
How long has it been? Over a month? Almost two months?
So what happened? If he was too upset that he couldn't come see me, what about the times when he did come and stay? That Sunday, that Wednesday noon, that Thursday... Did he miss me?
Mabilis magtiklop ng damit. Pwede nang magasawa!
Ahahaha!
Gusto kong ipost sa twitter! Kainis lang kasi yung mga foreigners nakikiaaway kahit hindi nila nagegets e.
I was happy for the sign of life, but what does always mean? Things looked and sounded happy so I was glad because of that— and it happened around our time! But I didn't have the chance at the time to look it up. So now seeing the meaning... Does it refer to something? Should I be scared? 👀
I had been reading some posts about this viral breakup the other night and one of the headlines from that was that the cause of the breakup was 'they grew distant'.
So I was relating that line to my own circumstances. I thought that I might have been going about things the wrong way.
If he can't come, and I match that action by not coming as well then it's like we're going in separate directions. If we continue like that, we will also grow distant and everything will fall apart. And I don't want that to happen.
I want a relationship where one steps forward when the other steps back. That kind of give and take. I still remember being upset months ago and him coming to me, not reacting in anger because I was angry. Or retaliating by icing me out. Just waiting for me. And it took a while for me to let go of my hurt feelings but when I finally did, I was grateful to him for not letting go. I think I loved him a bit more for that.
I don't know what he's thinking. What his thoughts are.
I can only work with my own thoughts. Figure out my life.
So I'm going to focus on that. Calm down and focus on that.
Sometimes I think if circumstances were different it would have been easier. If I had been a different person. A better person. Then it would have been easier.
I had thought of it a couple of times before: Why didn't I just meet someone like him here? But I haven't even known anyone with that mix that I like– open to talk about emotions, in touch with his emotions, but not overly emotional to the point of using emotions for sympathy or using it as a shield, a penchant for stories and pretty words, but not really pedantic because I don't need a thesis or a dissertation. A person who also likes what is abstract, but with the balance to not be obsessed with it. That's what I wanted!
And maybe I was wrong in life because these are things that you could only know if you spent enough time with people. And I didn't. Even the class pervert, I didn't know he liked Gundam until years after we graduated! And honestly, it all made sense after finding that out. The few people in that school who kinda liked me also liked anime for some reason. I don't even look Japanese!
Even his hobbies and his interests... I had previously thought we had no other interests in common because I wasn't exactly a fan of his biggest hobbies. But now I keep getting surprised! He has interests that somewhat align with mine!
Why couldn't I have met someone like him here???
There are millions of people in this country! Why couldn't I have met someone like him here???
It's not even about his face either because sometimes his face still doesn't register in my mind. I can probably recognize Jang Wonyoung 99.9% better than him!
My thoughts are spinning. I need to clear my head.
I chickened out. I told him to tell me if he changed his mind. Not let me linger aimlessly. Not wait for me to end things. And now I went to delete that because I got scared that HIS heart might grow tired of me asking him if he changed his mind! I'm scared of him leaving!
But what if his mind and heart left me already?
Don't, please don't! Please, please don't!
I've considered that maybe he's training me to forget him.
Am I poisoning my mind with these thoughts?
Maybe I'm misunderstanding things. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Maybe I'm being insensitive. But something is different.
Something has changed.
The first time this was happening I thought he was up to something. I didn't know what, but I was sure he's doing something differently. But he changed so suddenly that I'm left confused.
And some days he does things that make me feel like he's still the same, that things are still okay. I felt like we were solid. But then the next time he's different again. He's blowing hot and cold and I'm still here feeling hurt and confused.
He stopped wanting to care about me, I think.
Recently, I was having a hard time. I wrote things and deleted things. I had nobody to talk to. He stopped being the one I could go to.
I tried to keep it out, keep the negativity away from him but I guess I wasn't doing that great of a job. It seeps out of me. Maybe it finally bothered him that's why he stepped away from me.
Before that, I thought of a lot of things. Maybe the topics are stale. Maybe he got tired of hearing me complain. Maybe he just wanted room to breathe.
Now, I can't go to him anymore.
I thought he was excruciatingly busy. So unable to see me. Even just for a bit. But he just didn't want to come see me.
He stopped being the one I turn to when things are hard. The one I told things to. He stopped wanting to be that person.
Now I'm here. Writing and deleting things. Is this the start of the end?
"We must create spaces for ourselves."
Sometimes I'm fascinated when the world gives us what we need. I heard somewhere that it's kind of a trick that the mind plays. You think of something and then you're suddenly seeing or hearing things related to that. Like your mind is opening itself up to see the patterns. In the past couple of weeks, I could see it and hear it in the movies I was watching:
The bride in "Ready or Not 2: Here I Come" and her amazing fighting spirit to live– right when I was trying to get out of that slump I was in.
The movie "Send Help"– when I was thinking of backing up a little.
The line I wrote above is a quote from the movie "Forbidden Fruits." As a movie, it's not really that remarkable. As quote, it's not really that special either. It can be argued that the line in the same scene mentioning "A Room of One's Own" by Virginia Woolf is more important, but I haven't read that yet so I can't really speak about it. But this line, it was just what I needed when I first watched the movie, and I remembered it when I was going through something recently.
I haven't read that work, but my thoughts on the subject aren't dissimilar, are they? The importance of having your own space. And no, it isn't just about four walls. It's about having a place to exist in, to thrive. A place to stretch your limbs in, along with your mind. There is a kind of sadness to live in a place where in actuality you have very little control of. And it strikes a chord; a reminder to a reality that you're not supposed to be here. Even now, when circumstances have changed somewhat, and I take up more space, mentally I'm still stuck in that corner.
Sometimes I think of him and I sneeze. Lol. I never experienced this with anyone before.
Update: he's mean to me! I know he's there but he doesn't come to see me! Mean! (≧口≦)ノ
Update to my Update: hah! I should write that down! What I prefer in men should be someone na hindi ako kayang tiisin! Someone who can't endure denying me! Because what is this? I missed him and he doesn't miss me back?????????????
Update to my Update to my Update: I actually feel better. 😐 All my upset feelings has been redirected to being upset with him. 😫 This man!!!!!!! Nakakaya nya akong tiisin? 😣
Update Part 4: hmm... what if he changed his mind and just wouldn't tell me? What if I'm being ghosted and I'm just too stubborn to notice?
Update Part 5: oh 😶
When I was a kid, I had a neighbor that had a bucket of Legos. I would sometimes shamelessly invite myself over to play. I consistently tried to make houses. I didn't think much of it, just a preference I thought.
About a decade ago, after being exhausted with reading comments of people fighting online, I went on Pinterest and began looking at houses. It seemed like a no-brainer at the time. Nobody really argues about houses. You love it, you hate it, people just move on. There's no back and forth arguments, no trying to win you over. Or just trying to win in general. They're just houses. Apartments. Townhouses. Villas. Interesting to look at. And calming in a way.
And I wonder now if this was just a general attraction to these structures, because so many other people like looking at them too, or if it taps into a repressed need - a desire for space.
When I think about it, yes, I admired the design of the fancy houses, and their lightings and their layouts. But I also had a fascination for the narrow townhouses, small apartments. Spaces that could fit one. It's as if my selections were answering the question, how would I live in this space if it were mine?