I was upset yesterday. Because I was in a good mood.
Teeth fixing went well! Did a tiny bit of grocery shopping so all the walking was giving me some happy energy. Came home to find out my mother made my favorite dish! Which I can seldom eat now because it can give me a stomachache. Took a shower, went to take a nap, and woke up without a bit of stomachache! Woohoo! Had something to eat while finishing a movie I started on Thursday after midnight.
I was feeling good! So good, I was kinda having fuzzy feelings. So I was going to send him a nice Good Morning message and then I had the metaphorical door shut on my face.
I was offended! It was like I had the plague! One moment he was there and then it was like he immediately regretted being there so he was immediately gone! So I was upset. My warm, fuzzy feelings vanished.
On the bright side, I didn't chip a tooth. It was one of the fillings that got chipped, not part of my original tooth. Although the dentist kept saying how big the original damage was. Ugh. Really. I had not realized how easy it was to damage teeth as you get older.
So here was the thing: I was the last patient. Which meant she had ample time to chat. When I sat down to pay, she started chatting. And I had forgotten that she knows bits and pieces of information about us so she starts wth, "You're not an engineer, are you?"
Ah, shit. Here we go.
I said no, I didn't take the licensure exam. She asked why. I said I was depressed at the time. And as much as I hate to admit it, these questions do get to me. But then she hits me with a surprisingly different question, "How does that feel?"
How the hell do I answer that question? I'm totally unprepared. I try to stammer an answer.
And she goes, "I heard that people who are depressed feel down."
I want to explain that it's not as simple as that. And I basically just end up muttering something about suicidal ideation.
She asked me, "Meron kang boyfriend?"
I just assumed she was asking if I had a boyfriend at the time when I was depressed and decided to stay home. So I said no.
And she loudly says, "That's why you're depressed!"
Lol! Ahahahaha!
She asked, "Why didn't you get married?"
I tried to crack a joke and said 'I thought my sister was going to get married so I thought it's fine, I don't have to get married..'
And she immediately goes, "But at least your sister had a boyfriend!" Lol! Then followed it up with, "Why didn't you get one?"
I'm grasping for an answer to a bit of a weird question. So I just said, "I don't... want to go out?" And she gave a hearty laugh! And we shared laughter over this joke of me staying at home waiting for someone to come knocking.
Then she says, "Here's what you I want you to do! You should get an office job, something that makes you dress up in a blazer (and makes this gesture of tightening the waist or something), wear high heels, socialize, and you'll get one!"
And she said "You should get married! It's a waste not to when you're pretty!"
I can't remember how many times she said I was pretty. It kinda feels like one of those things that people say because they think you'd like it? In my 20's, when I went to a hospital for a consultation, at the triage I was asked for the purpose of my visit. I said depression. And the ladies that were assisting me said, "You're so pretty! What can you be depressed about?"
So our dentist keeps repeating that I'm pretty. And at first I said a quiet thank you, a laugh, but she keeps saying it again and again! So I'm thinking, Okay, not the reaction she was expecting!
So I try a different tactic: When she said again that I was pretty I replied with a quiet "...no.."
Big mistake! She replied even more enthusiastically saying, "No, you really are pretty! You just need–"
Looks at my clothes with a disappointed expression
"a blazer–"
Then she looks at my hair with an even worse expression
"highlights–"
"And high heels, and you'll surely meet someone!"
Ahahahaha! She keeps saying I'm pretty when her face looks like it's crossing from disappointed to disgusted!
She's got it all figured out! According to her I just need a blazer, cinch it, get some highlights, wear high heels and
I'll be married in no time! So funny!
She tells me I should go out and make friends with people who were more outgoing. People who would inspire me. I think inspire was the word she used? I totally get it. I actually thought of it. But an idea doesn't always translate to reality.
Sometimes I've toyed with the idea of creating things too, meet creative people to figure out the process, but I'm not really that creative. And I'm older and that makes it harder to enter groups.
I did mention that my friends aren't married either and she implies I should make friends with people who are actively going out to date.
So I didn't tell her that I sometimes joke with my sister that I want to make friends with people who are about to get married! She might think I'm secretly desperate! Hahaha! I just wanted to be invited to again to a wedding. But as a guest. I just want a reason to dress up, eat, ogle the venue then go home! That's the goal! 😆 But I guess I still need some preparation for that one. Like actually figure out how to decently do my makeup. And actually fit into a nice dress. Ha..
In the end, my introverted ass was silently screaming for help! I did not know how to leave this conversation! I sat down to talk so I won't be rude but I think that may have been mistake number 1. And I think she was also looking for an exit to this conversation.
She starts to say that when my sister is there, they talk and laugh for so long. I guess she's making a subtle jab that I'm severely lacking in the conversation department. She goes on to say how my sister talks about her goals and dreams and all sorts of things, how smart my sister is...
See? That's how I know she's lying to me when she said I was pretty! Hahahaha!
But really, my sister is an extrovert who is eager to prove herself to others. My dreams, goals, thoughts? If I didn't initiate the conversation then I'm not inclined to share them.
And sometimes even if I want to answer something, the answer isn't one simple line, that's neat and easy to digest.
How could I have answered what it's like being depressed?
How could I explain how disconnected I felt? Or that I walked underneath a shroud, a shadow, under a pretty blue sky? Or how often I had seen this window I outside my classroom, of the benches that was placed beneath, and I think to myself, how it would be like? To take one step up, and another, and through that open window, while I look at clouds above?
There was a parade that was passing outside and she stood up. Finally! My cue to leave! So I was finally able to escape...
Now, I was thinking about it and... I don't know what her criteria is for being pretty. I mean... the way she was talking about it, a person who hasn't seen my face might think I can win a beauty pageant. Absolutely not! I can't even be internet pretty. Not even the prettiest in a room. And 99.9% of my photos tell me that I'm hideous. But I guess I can be an average kind of pretty? Say a person walks through the streets, I won't stand out but I'm not that bad either? That kind of thing?
But that's the thing. I was sitting outside the mall's open area earlier watching the people passing by, and I think about baselines. Or what is commonly average. What is common average pretty to people? In an ordinary place, filled with ordinary folks, what is considered as the most average pretty face would be vastly different in a place frequented by rich people, or influencers. Or him. What is an average pretty face for someone like him? In a place where treatments are plenty, and in his job where expectations are different?
Well... I've been called a lot of names. I've even been called a grandma, AND a grandpa. I think that one was due to the nose. But to my credit, no person in real life has ever actually called me ugly. So I guess I have that going for me.
But now that I've said it, I've probably jinxed it. Shit.
