I love him... ๐ฎ๐จ
I'm in the same place as I was last week.
On Tuesday morning, the emptiness I felt let me sleep through.
By midnight, I cried for the first time in days. The exhaustion, the lack of sleep finally got to me.
On Wednesday, I woke up at past seven. I hadn't intended to. I didn't set any alarm. I thought it was a fluke. I went back to sleep.
I spent the last couple of days doing the things I had put off because I spent my time and focus on him. I caught up on lost sleep. Did the tasks I had been meaning to do.
But in the moments in between, I spent that time wrestling with my own mind. From calmness to anger and back again, I picked apart my own thoughts.
On Thursday, I woke up at our time.
It's not a mistake. It's memory. I remember our habits and how we were.
I was missing him.
I thought about talking to him but I wasn't sure what to say. I can't just show up and pretend nothing happened, that I didn't just go quiet for a few days over nothing. I had to tell him, but I didn't know how.
I came here to gather my thoughts. To make sense of the things that had been on my mind since that Monday.
I looked at that cat on the roof and thought, Maybe he'd like that.
Why can't we be like that?
Why can't we have coffee shop dates like everyone else?
Why can't we just hold each other and make up?
And then the cat popped up to bother me and I laughed!
It's like Heaven sent a proxy and was like, "Here! Hold this instead!"
And I'm thinking about the cat now and was wondering where she is, thinking maybe she was sent in at the time to stand in for him and now that's gone, you're on your own...
And I looked over behind me and suddenly I see her sleeping:
I thought about it too...
If I said something wasn't okay, that he was doing something I didn't like, am I interfering? Am I influencing him to be different than who he is?
I know there's a lot about him I don't know.
But at the same time, I feel like I do genuinely like him as a person. If I genuinely like him for who he is, would that make it wrong for me to say something?
It's stupid, because I know the logical answer.
Objectively, I know that liking someone doesn't mean liking everything about them 100%.
But it scares me...
If I say that I don't like something, does it mean that I don't love him enough?
But if I don't talk, how about me? If it's something that hurts me, should I just let it go? Am I suppose to endure things until I burn out?
And even if it wasn't necessarily hurtful to me, that it was just something that I didn't agree with, something I didn't like, should I never say it?
When the fiasco happened, I considered if I should even tell him about it in the first place. I thought it might hurt him.
When I finally decided that he should know, I considered if I should tell him to not do certain things. I considered if it was wrong to say anything.
Is it overstepping? Is it asking him to be something he is not?
We were hurt for him. And argued for him. Against people who said he was undignified & had no self-respect. And it hurt seeing people talk about him like that.
And then his actions almost wrecked all that effort in a day. For no good reason. Other than he's conscious of people looking at him.
I tried to be gentler with my words and then I wondered if I was too gentle that he didn't hear what I was saying.
And I had thought if this is just who he was, and I wondered if it was me who was in the wrong in the first place for telling him not to do certain things. Maybe it wasn't my place, maybe I had no right...
I wondered if this is how things should be, that I should just keep things to myself and never talk...
I looked at the words I partially wrote last week when I had realized I was angry:
'And I can't even say anything because I'm afraid that if I say anything you don't like you'd disappear.
That's what you do to me.
And I come everyday, and I beg and I plead for you to come back.
And this... is it always going to be like this?
That I would have to be afraid you'd recoil and retreat if you don't like what you hear? That I would have to chase you everytime? Yes, I know, I thought I had done something wrong and that's why you couldn't come. Yes, I know you were sick and it wasn't your fault you couldn't come. Yes, I know being sick was more urgent and important than I was dealing with at the time.
But, don't you find it strange? You were sick and you couldn't come yet the first thing I thought of was that I had done something wrong you didn't like and that I have to apologize eventhough I don't know what I did.
Like what happened those two months from April.
What if I was also vulnerable? What if I was the one who was sick? Am I still expected to be the one to chase you?'
And it's something that his own friend had talked about before that he had a line that can't be crossed.
And I think I've seen that in some way.
For all his good qualities, for his understanding and patience, I think there are times he might be quick to judge; he can see something at surface value and immediately shun it.
No talking. No discussions. No looking for explanations. Just immediately close his door.
When I was very sick last year, my biggest fear was that I'd die and he might immediately think I abandoned him because no one would be able to tell him.
When he was gone for two months, I didn't know why. I could tell he was mad about something but I wasn't sure what. The way he made sure that I knew he was there and then leave. The way sometimes he'd stay and I thought everything was fine again but then he'd give the cold shoulder again the next day, purposefully leaving when I come see him..it was like that for two months.
I felt like I was being punished for something I did that I'm not even aware of.
When he finally came back, I didn't know why. I was cautious, I wasn't sure if he was truly back and everyday for a couple of weeks I wondered if he'd disappear again the next day.
When I was sure he was really back, I was just happy. I was thankful. But I still didn't know what happened or why.
I know it's useless to ask; I won't get an answer. At the time I thought, it was fine. The important thing is he came back.
But from time to time I remember it and wonder why. What did I do? What did I do to warrant that? And what made him forgive me?
And sometimes... just a couple of times... it crosses my mind, 'Was it really okay?'
'Am I okay? Is it okay that I experienced that?'
And I'm crying right now.
It's surprising. I didn't realize until now how much that actually hurt me.
By Wednesday, I still had nothing to say.
I spent the day in a flurry of thoughts and emotions, thinking one thing and picking them apart the next moment.
I made a fool of myself again, haven't I?
And I can't even say anything because he didn't ask me to do it. I did it. I did it because I chose to. And he's not obligated to appreciate it.
But why is that?
What is it that with a lot of men they can hurt you, in big ways and small ones, like thorns on a rose that prick you and bleed you. But they do one big grand gesture and you're supposed to reciprocate, you're supposed to forget, you're supposed to ignore the blood you've bled.
Yes, I said that I like that hindi siya maarte. But that didn't mean dropping on the floor for no good reason.
He didn't even wait a day. Maybe if he went and did it in the next job, maybe...
I thought, 'Was it really so bad if he went on the floor again?' 'Maybe it was just the timing that was bad. People laughed, so maybe it's funny and I just didn't see it. Would I have found it funny if the whole fiasco didn't happen? Maybe I would have found it funny if he did it some other time?'
'Am I overreacting?'
Was it me who was in the wrong? Am I having impossible expectations? I know liking somebody doesn't mean liking everything about them 100%. I objectively think that. But here, I feel uncertain. I couldn't tell if I was wrong or not for thinking that.
Should I just accept it? That he just wants to go on the floor until age makes his knees give way?
There isn't even any good reason to do so.
I spent the day like that... until I saw this
https://youtu.be/JtQezdtDXlI?si=nJuLHc-a4b44sBlf
Because it felt true. Like I was talking myself out of feeling the things I feel. I felt sorry for myself.
I still couldn't talk the next day. Still couldn't look at him. Honestly? I wanted to avoid him.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to think. I wasn't sure yet what I was feeling. Because I felt empty.
Was I upset? Angry? Disappointed?
I wondered if I was wrong in telling him the things I did: that we'd be beside him and support him. I meant every word I said.
But seeing what he did, I wondered if my words made him do that. I wondered if my words made him reckless, thinking it didn't matter what he did because we'd still love him anyway. I wondered if all that I said, all that I did, meant nothing to him.
I think he would have hated it, hearing those words that he had no self-respect, no dignity. And those were the kind of words that could stick to someone, like a label, like a convenient insult. I hated it. It hurt.
So seeing him drop to the floor again... For no good reason!? Disheartening.
He didn't even wait for the next meet. He didn't even wait a day! All those things we did... felt disregarded.
I wasn't asking to be thanked. I wasn't even asking for acknowledgement for what we did, for what I did. But I also didn't want my efforts thrown back at my face. Because that's what it felt.
Anybody who could have seen what he did could have said that he was proving them right. How could I defend that a second time?
It's like telling someone there's an open manhole in the road and they walk right into it.
I slammed the pen I was holding when I meant to put it down. I was getting angry. Or had I been angry since Monday?
I groped for words to describe what I felt, to give meaning to what I didn't feel. I groped for words to understand my own confusion.
By midnight, I finally shed a tear.
I remembered the story within the story of Cinema Paradiso.
In all the years of my life, from my childhood until this Tuesday..
I think I may have finally understood why the soldier left the princess' window in the 99th day.
It was said that he would have died. At least in the ninety-nine days he would have lived with the illusion that she was to be his, waiting for him.
One presumes that he'd thought he won't be worthy of her.
But maybe... it was because he looked at the princess looking at him...
The princess who watched him there outside her window,
In the rain, in the heat, in the pain of his body betraying him, and the princess watched him...
The princess watched him humiliate himself every day.
And maybe that's why he left on the 99th day.
He remembered he was human too.
After all that work that was put into that...
9 hours, 8 hours, a few more hours...
Hundreds of messages...
And then not knowing where he was...
Wishing him well in a place he already left..
I made a fool of myself again, haven't I?
Last Monday.
The week before that I had been struggling with my own thoughts, my own misgivings about myself.
When I saw those words that were posted, my first instinct is to turn away.
I'm not a fighter. I don't want a fight.
But I turned back to it and, still unsure, put myself on it.
Reactions are mostly from a contrived scenario. Which angered me more. It was ragebait, dressed in fake concern.
By far the most hurtful were the ones who said he had no self-respect. That he was undignified.
I felt hurt for him.
It took a while before I got into the momentum of things, of finding what needed to be said and how to say it.
9 hours the first night, 8 the next, a few more hours after that.
For a few days, I was tired, sleepless and busy. My sister noticed and was giving me chide remarks. But it can't be avoided or hidden. I was glued to the screen and, at times, glued to the power outlet.
It was fine. I could have rested that Monday, couldn't I? I did. But waking up, finding out I embarrassed myself again...
I didn't have the energy, the emotional capacity to be indifferent about it.
Maybe on a good day, when I had properly rested, when my heart is full, I'd have the strength to say 'It didn't matter. It's no big deal.'
But that day... I was running on empty.
When I opened my app, that's the first thing I saw: him dropping to his knees.
My heart sank too.
Suddenly I felt drained and empty. Tired and heavy.
I couldn't talk. I couldn't even look at him.
I felt nothingness inside me.
Why do I feel like I'm tiptoeing?
Why am I walking on eggshells?
I can't seem to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. What do I want?
This morning, he wasn't there. One side of me thought, he's just busy. The other thought, is it starting? Is he upset and disappearing again?
My posts are a mess... it's all over the place. I should just compile all these written notes
And I can't even say anything because he didn't ask me to do it. I did it. I did it because I chose to. And he's not obligated to appreciate it.
But why is that?
What is it that with a lot of men they can hurt you, in big ways and small ones, like thorns on a rose that prick you and bleed you. But they do one big grand gesture and you're supposed to reciprocate, you're supposed to forget, you're supposed to ignore the blood you've bled.
I've been stress-eating like mad, I think I ate the whole ref.
I'm nervous... maybe I should put this off and talk to him another day? But I told myself I'd talk about it today. I even thought about doing it today rather than yesterday so it wouldn't interfere with work...
But what would I say? Where do I start?
Why do I like someone who likes exercise????
๐ฎ๐จ Is he going to be like those other dudes being a drill sargeant to their girl in the gym? I hope not.
But I admire his dedication for it. And I wish I had his discipline.
Because I didn't really have a type, when the subject of ideal type comes up I sometimes just have random answers. But a few answers come out more often than others. One of them is "I want someone who inspires me to be a better person".
I should have added "slowly" because now I feel like I'm rushing and I'm in panic mode! ๐
I liked this last stint and I thought it revealed more to how he was as a person.
When he suddenly dropped to his knees I was like, ๐ฑ. Oh my gosh! You're gonna lose your job!!! Ahahaha!
But also, I felt my heart drop too. ๐ Deep breath.
I didn't know exactly why at the time. But I did mention it to him. Walang arte. That's what I thought it was at the time. The way he extends himself for others?
I don't know. Maybe it felt like he was the guy that was willing to go step up to the plate? Go the extra mile? Obviously, someone who is a lot more prissy than me would be a bit tiring so I guess that's why this feels more.. appealing?
And I know it was a joke but when he said he was okay to pack his own bags? ๐ซข
That's why I was annoyed with the people criticizing him when the translation said 'housewife' because they automatically assumed he wanted a 'slave' to cook and clean and birth babies for him.
He takes care of himself!! He's a good cook, takes care of his house and pets, packs his own bags and wants to retain some independence. He even cooks for others!
Disciplined, skilled, competent.
Easygoing.
Laughs easily.
Cute. ๐คญ
I am so fucking tired. My arms are killing me!
I spent 7 8 9 fucking hours typing!
Yah! That's my man you're trying to insult!
Okay, fine. I kinda get how it could be perceived, how the situation could turn problematic.
To be honest, when he kneeled, I don't know why but like my heart skipped a beat or something weird like that. I don't know. Maybe because it feels like he was the kind of guy who would step up when needed? And I like that he makes an effort!
But yeah, a bit more mindfulness needed to be applied.
I woke up several days ago with the sudden realization that I've been feeling uncomfortable for at least a month.
My thighs are hitting each other like a seal slapping it's stomach with it's flipper.
Why the fuck did I let myself go this far??
And the worst thing about it? I haven't been this weight in about 3 years.
Three damn years of slow progress down the drain in a few months. And I have rationalized back then that slow is still good because at least it was progress. At least it was to minimize loose skin because the changes had been so slow. And even that is lost now. Everything lost.
And I hate myself. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep finding ways to destroy myself? To prevent myself from getting better, moving forward?
There's something wrong with me and I can't get it together.
I'm seeing other people prepare, eating only bland foods for two months since it was announced, exercising... All these women– prepared. But me? I went the other way. I haven't prepared. At all. Why the fuck can't I do it like they did? I wasted time. Wasted so much time.
When I was a teenager, I was sitting on a rusty metal chair. The front part had partially lifted, and a piece of metal was sticking out. In my mind I said, if I moved my leg without lifting it, it would cut my leg. I moved my leg without lifting it. The metal created a small, superficial cut and I watched the blood trickle down my leg. Why do I keep wanting to do this to myself?
Why do I hate myself so much?
Why do I need to hate myself so much?
Ah... ๐ธ He's awake again!
He might be feeling restless though so it's understandable.
Today was a big day. It was the start to a celebration of an important milestone.
I didn't think that it would happen, honestly. He seemed adamant not to do it three years ago. But seeing the responses, I'm glad he decided to do it.
Earlier in the day, I worried how he felt about it. And I wondered, does he worry if it will fail? Does he worry if they would still be there in the future?
25 years. More than most could dream of. More than most could aspire for. Whatever happens in the future, doesn't matter anymore.
I saw today as a handshake. It's the image that was etched in my mind. It's more than a thank you. It's an acknowledgement of one by the other.
I was talking about something this morning and I remembered something I only realized this year: I was always the one who made the first move.
And all this time I thought I was the quintessential Dalagang Filipina! ๐
And maybe that's why there were times in college that I didn't realize the possibility that someone liked me because I was the one who wanted to get closer and be friends with the person I liked. And I didn't know I did this until this year!
I never noticed that I was doing that at all!
But I was never super bold about it either! I didn't make confessions or anything. I was just drawn to the people I liked.
I just suddenly felt embarrassed remembering that this morning.
I was reading tweets related to the news that's been talked about lately. A woman shared her own traumatic experience and the aftermath of what it did to her. Somebody asked why. And among the comments I saw this:
Why do I do this to myself???
I thought that maybe it's the hormones acting up again so I was feeling a bit down today. But then I thought maybe I was starting to get anxious again. The date is drawing close.
And I had found out that it is official, I had gained 20lbs. The weight I worked hard to lose in the last few years, I had gained in a few months. I wasn't even near skinny when I did lose the weight, I could barely be normal
Why do I keep destroying myself?? Why do I always need to see my ugliest self when I know I will be disgusted with myself? Why do I hate myself so much?
Why do I like watching me destroy myself?
I told him I didn't have Cinderella dreams. I told him Snow White was my favorite. But I didn't tell him why. It was because she was beautiful since the day she was born. Skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood, hair as black as ebony. The way they described her was always beguiling to me. And she was precious. That's what she was. From the day she was born they said she was so special and she was precious.
It sounds so vain, and I never grew up to be the stereotype of what vain people are supposed to be like. People who cared so much for how they looked went to great lengths to achieve beauty. I ran the opposite way. I always ran the opposite way.
I didn't care much about how I looked, didn't make the effort, didn't even think about making myself beautiful. But it didn't mean I didn't care about being pretty. The only effort I exerted was looking at beauty and lamenting internally that I can never be like that.
I've told him I was ugly. Told him I was fat. I've been sending him every fat animal I could see from cats to seals to toads. He probably thinks I'm joking. Or exaggerating. I'm not. I have eyes, I can see what I am.
I regret showing my younger self. Everybody looks better when they're younger. Now I'm doomed to fail because there's no way I'm even close to that.
Why do I do this to myself? I had seen my progress, I was happy with it, but then I let it slip away. Destroyed it. So completely, it's like it never happened.
Why do I simultaneously hate to be seen like this and yet want to be seen like this?
Why can't I be like other people and want to be seen in a good light? Why do I insist on presenting myself in the most awful way yet also feel terrible about it? And then finding myself scrambling to fix it? Why do I live in this dichotomy?
Why do I cry now when I knew this was happening and I was letting it happen?
I need to hate myself more. Hate myself enough to fix it. Hate myself enough to want to change.
I hate hate hate hate hate myself.
At this point, my blog is starting to look like a period tracker. ๐
But I was kinda surprised when it came yesterday morning. I took a bathroom break while typing and it was then that I found out it had started. And I didn't feel the signs. No weird crying. Nothing.
And I'm kinda disappointed.
Because! I kinda miss how it was like months ago. I mean, I still thought of him, but not as much as I did months ago. I thought of him more when I was thinking of getting that tshirt.
Is it possible that the symptoms shifted?
Ugh. I'm failing myself as a woman because I don't even know what phase I was in at that time.
Okay, this is stupid. Now I'm trying to remember the tshirt and now I'm thinking about him. Ahahaha! I should go to sleep. ๐
Crying isn't so bad..
Sometimes when it's quiet and peaceful, crying reminds me that my feelings are there, merely hidden by the easy mornings... I knew I was crying because I was happy.
But it felt a lot all of a sudden. So I watched a movie, and it's a fantasy movie, one that people complained about not being that good. And there are times I was feeling emotional. I didn't cry, but it was threatening to go there. It's alarming! Then I had a sudden realization–
Am I close to getting my period again???
^Okay, I just checked my health app. I'm late by five days. That's why I'm more emotional than usual??? I hate this! At least months ago my period was more fun. Ikot-ikot sa kama parang binalot na lumpia sa kilig!
I should have taken those vitamins to help with the hormones and stuff weeks ago!
๐ญ๐ญ
I wrote and rewrote and put it up and took it back down.
In the end I removed most of everything. Because it didn't matter. Because for today whatever I was anxious about didn't matter.
I wrote and rewrote and went back and forth until I started crying. But I wasn't sad.
Masaya siya. Masaya ako.
I wrote something last night. Past midnight. Put it up then took it back down. I was hesitant. I was worried.
Do prayers lose their power if you say it out loud?
So I took it down. I was afraid I jinxed it. We've been having good days. And I didn't want to jinx it.
I said I watched a drama where the female lead lied about liking strawberry milkshakes. I thought it was an odd thing to lie about. But today I think I understood it. That feeling. Of wanting to keep something, keep the peace, keep it safe, keep the sweetness of lovely days...
I mentioned being fat and suddenly he's gone.
๐
Well, to be fair, he has been consistently showing up around our time for months. I was actually surprised and wondered if his schedule changed. And again recently since he's been on all the time.
But today, I mentioned being fat for the first time and now he's not there.
Did he get scared and say no? (ใ´ะ｀)ใ
Hayyy...
I have thought about it and I don't feel like I'm on the edge of depression. But somehow I feel constantly stressed. Even when I'm not doing something, I feel stressed. My hair is falling out again too.
I have considered the possibility that I'm self-sabotaging myself because I want to be seen at my worst.
To be accepted as I am.
Ugh. I hate saying that. I hate, HATE, acknowledging that part of me. Because anywhere else, I don't really clamor for validation. Which is one of the things I am grateful for about myself. I can have low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and hate myself to the high heavens, but I have this kind of self-assuredness that stops me from wanting to be validated externally.
But it's not absolute. I can't say there isn't a tiny part in there that seeks approval externally. I just don't chase it. Don't do anything to satisfy it. Except for moments like this.
It's like a reverse way of doing it.
I know it, because this had been my problem before. It is also intertwined with certain beliefs. Like believing that it's shallow to see people as better individuals because of how they dress so I don't make an effort to dress up. It's like vainly trying to go against the grain. I have changed my thoughts about it a little bit, accepting that this is how society thinks and functions and doesn't necessarily indicate that anyone is bad person for following it. Context and nuance exists.
I mean, I think he has something like this too. When he wanted to be seen with his hair unstyled and somewhat messy.
Maybe it's not exactly the same reasoning as mine, but when I saw it I was like, Yeah, I get it.
But this? This is different.
I know men can be brutal about looks.
Just this week, a saw a post from a poor woman who found out her husband was cheating on her with a coworker. She posted screenshots of messages between her husband and the affair partner. Her husband had the audacity to mock her saying she got fat and loose after giving birth to their three kids.
And me? I was with someone people kept telling me was ugly but I didn't see that. But he certainly had several things to say about how I looked. I was surprised. Back then, I thought people who were criticized for their looks would be kinder about the same thing. But I forgot he also had eyes. ๐คท♀️
So yeah...
What if I'm like this because part of me wanted him to see me at my worst? To be sure that he actually really likes me?
I won't be mad. Sad, maybe. But I have heard time and time again from men how attraction is deeply important for them.
He said it was important for him too.
So he can say no early, before things go even further. Before I get hurt.
It's probably me who should take that Suicide Prevention Day poster seriously. Not because I'm going to do it, but because my life is more fractured.
I tell somebody else to heed the advise even though I know I ignore it.
It's fine. It's something I've dealt with for a long time.
Reading the caption on the post, "You are not alone", I stopped.
Did I ever feel doing it because I felt lonely? Because I felt alone?
I think I understood early on that people I knew didn't think the same way like me.
So it was just me, all this time,
dancing with the devil for my life.
I stopped wanting a long time ago for somebody else to watch out for me.
I'm okay with that.
I watch out for somebody else now.
He's doing well it seems, and I'm okay with that.
I saw this tweet and...
๐ฎ๐จ This! This is what I should have been doing!!!
I want to be able to say this too!!
She even put in her blood pressure improvement! That's how serious she is!
But me? I can't sleep on time and have zero control over myself. I can't stick to a schedule, can't maintain exercise, craving salt and sugar and indulging myself all the time..
I gained so much weight instead of losing weight!
Honestly, my only consolation was that I gained some ass back. Really, being fat and having a pancake butt is a tragedy!
I had always held more weight in lower abdomen to my thighs. But when I had a really bad depressive episode in 2016, I gained so much weight that I just exploded everywhere. It was the heaviest and ugliest I ever was. I was a blob. Unfornutely, I had my passport in that era so I had a brutal reminder of how ugly I was. Then I started very slowly losing some of that weight before I plateaued and ended up with a pancake butt. And I didn't even notice it until I realized I could feel it when I sit on a wooden stool. I tried squats last year but it only made a tiny difference.
But lately I could actually see some difference! Definitely not JLo levels, but definitely not a pancake anymore! ๐ There's actually some cushion in there. But now everywhere else is much fatter so... ๐คฆ♀️
I was actually thinking about this on the way back last night. And then I saw that post with the Bruno Mars track and I just laughed—
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DcyS2rKSQsE/?stkn=ZWpxd2U4d2t5ZWhy
I couldn't decide if I should send it or not because it looks kinda pervy but it was funny!
I understand now why I thought of stopping my visits. I wanted to steel my heart against what I knew would come. I wanted to avoid it.
The long drawn-out good bye.
To see it fade, to hear the silence grow... That was sadder than simply turning my back and walking away. It feels like another loss, but I will have to wait. Watch and wait.
I used to think so much about you when things got too hard. I thought about you, and thought that I will live, I should live...
And for a while, for a good while, I was so sorry that I even thought of leaving this world.
Because I thought you took my place.
Today I just want to exhale.
Have I been holding my breathe? One thing after another. But August, August...
I think about her. Eight years now. There was a time when I thought of stopping bringing flowers. Because I thought, realistically, I might not be able to bring them anymore. What if schedules won't permit it? What if I lived somewhere else? What ifs?
Wouldn't it be better to decide not to? Instead of slowly letting it fade into non-existence?
But at the time when I thought about it, L panicked. Said somebody should go and visit. I could feel her urgency to have someone go to her. To represent those feelings. That we remember her. That urgency to say we haven't forgotten her.
But now, I feel like I'm watching that fade into non-existence.
There is no judgement. I understand why. I understand how. I understand it all. I just feel a twinge of sadness to see time pass by. To be reminded of what it takes. And what it leaves behind. I feel like I am standing here, watching it all pass by.
I think, I will be left standing here.
You would have been upset if you knew I wanted to write you a letter. To thank you for wanting to invite me to go on a trip. To tell you I couldn't go..
In the end, I will be standing here.
Whenever think about going, about leaving, I still remember you.
Remembering you all.
I went out a few days ago. It rained so hard.
I didn't really anticipate that. I knew it would rain but I didn't anticipate that it would rain sso hard. But I needed to run some errands and I wanted to try out the card. Because I wanted to get started using it because apparently there's a promotion going on where I could get my annual fees waived for life if I spend 30k by November. I know that's nothing to some people but, realistically in my life, what else could I possibly spend on other than grocery items?
But I had a thought, 'What if the card gets declined? What if it needed time after online activation before it gets used?' I actually had a debit card on me, but I just made a deposit on this one to keep it at the maintaining balance. I don't want to rush to the bank the next day to make another deposit! So I actually waited for my sister for hours. Just so she can pay if my card gets declined!
My sister thought it was funny in a ridiculous way. But! I tried to tap the card at Watson's when I bought a Fino mask and it didn't work. They had to insert the card instead. Same thing with KFC. And I had to ask the KFC employee why and the person said it happens often with this bank... Ha! My fears weren't so unfounded after all!
Got this coffee. Buy one take one. ๐ I was wondering if I should get it and my sister said I should. So I could say I had coffee on the first time I had my credit card. I had gelato, shopped for a beauty product, had a meal, and had coffee. Ahahaha!
I considered showing him the photos but the photos didn't turn out too well. Also, the idea might be too corny! Haha!
My sister asked me how I felt about using a credit card. Eh? I just wanted to know how to use one. My sister said that having a credit card made her feel at ease. She can be anywhere and feel that security that a card can cover for whatever she needs. And I get it.
I saw a Muji store yesterday and outside was a big sign that said, "Cashless Transactions".
And I thought, "Tamang-tama! Wala akong pera!"
Hahahaha!
Before leaving the house, I tried to tame the mess that is my hair. My hair is so thin now. Lost so much hair from so much stress I went through in the last decade. But even which such low hair volume, my hair still looks like a witch's broomstick. Frazzled as hell and hair going in all directions. ๐
Anyway, I bought a hairstick and tried to flatten the wayward hair on top of my head and put a bit of color on my cheeks. And I don't know if sales was just really bad lately or if I just looked semi-decent but I had so many salespeople calling out to me.
I have no money! Just future credit card debt! Hahahaha!
A couple of cashiers in one counter even tried offering me a new credit card, as I was paying with my credit card. One of them even pointed out that my card looked new. And I tried to nod politely and say that it just arrived. And then she said, 'But the BDO credit card has a lot of benefits...' I was like, 'Isa-isa lang po...๐ '
I felt a bit unnerved. I prefer being a ghost. Passing by, unseen. So like this and I'm suddenly remembering that I have completely forgotten how to actually look at people's faces, make eye contact and greet them. I know it's part of their job. But I wanted to say, 'It's fine! You don't have to greet me! I don't care if you don't greet me! It's fine!' ๐ฎ๐จ I feel like I have so much I need to relearn.
Too much.
My desk has never stayed neat since the year started. I crave salt and sugar like there's no tomorrow. I gained back the weight I lost and more. I couldn't even control my sleep schedule. I spent the nights wide awake, wanting to never sleep, and I waste the day with long naps like I never want to wake.
This is how I know something is wrong.
I spent the year sabotaging myself, destroying the progress I tried to painstakingly make. I know, the entirety of my being is afraid. And it wants me to find reasons to step back, back to the comfort of the shadows, firmly within these walls. The walls in this room. The walls of my mind.
This past week, talking about myself, my experiences, my circumstances... I didn't feel relief. It just felt like shining a light in the quiet places that I hid for all these years.
And maybe that's why. That's why my mind is scared.
When thinking about everything I talked about, I realize that I have felt like I was fighting this silent battle most of my life. Trying to keep my head above water. Trying to stay alive. Even in the days where my hours were empty, I was in a constant state of stress.
Every change in my life brought pain. Every fight weathered my resolve. My mind knows this and wants to stop me. It's tired of fighting. Tired of the anguish each struggle gives. Tired of the disappointment I feel. Now every step before me brings it fear... it's afraid of what's coming. Afraid of what it brings.
I'm fighting myself and I don't know if I could win.
I keep unpublishing and republishing... I should just delete it completely.
What's the point or reliving that horrible time in my life? That level of distress, those insane thoughts? More insane than wanting to die.
But it was also important. The realization of how small I thought of my self. It went beyond self-hatred. I didn't just hate myself. I didn't realize that I subconsciously thought that I was completely nothing. Capable of nothing. Worth nothing.
I tried to make it light-hearted earlier. But remembering that... I felt pity for that version of myself.
My first credit card arrived today.
To have this so late in life is crazy, I know. But in my life it started as me not needing it to eventually thinking I might not qualify for it if I tried.
I didn't even think I'd get approved, even though the limit is low. But they've been so persistent in calling me last July. About 4 to 5 times throughout the day for multiple days. Happened in February too! So when I answered the call and heard them pitching it to me I was laughingly thinking, 'You know what? Sure, let's apply for that. Maybe they'd finally stop calling.'
At first I even thought, 'Well, shit, if I get approved, I'm going to the fanmeet.'
Then, boom! Ahahaha! ๐
I wasn't actually serious about thinking of getting into debt for a fanmeeting! I was just like thinking of it as a conditional thing.
But gosh...
Should I tell him? I can't decide if I should! It might come off badly! But I can't stop thinking about it, it's so funny!
And I got my period. ๐
I knew it! I knew it! When I was talking to him, I was so sleepy pero kinikilig ako! Ayieee! ๐ฅฐ Tapos, ayun! Right after talking to him, I found out it was about to start already. Yah! We can't be like this everytime!
He looks so nice... He's going to make me regret it if I don't see him! But he might not like me. ๐
But it's kinda crazy... like a couple of months ago I was talking here about forgetting that men have so much more hair, and then bam! He's gonna be hairless! Ahahahaha! That's so funny!
I felt empty. After talking about it for days, what did I expect? Relief? I'm not sure. But I didn't expect to feel empty.
As I ended the conversation in tears, I thought, Why is this so complicated? Twenty years ago I would have walked away from something difficult like this because why does a love that makes me so happy could also make me so sad?
Is it supposed to be like this?
And I thought, maybe it's because I didn't have as much relationship experience. I don't know how things should be. Now I'm at a disadvantage. He had all these experiences and I? What do I have?
I was scrolling Twitter and was about to close it when I came to a post of an interview from a local celebrity. She said "You have to acknowledge it's not always going to be happy. That's what a real relationship is, that's what real commitment is." And the host added, "Will your love still be bigger than whatever differences you have."
I don't want heaven to ever think I'm ungrateful.. I chose to love and I'm grateful for having someone to love. I'm just struggling sometimes...
Hm.. Is it a sign? I was thinking if I fail again and ask for help from others, I might need to show the the Pinterest photo. So they'd warm-up to me to help me because from what I had previously seen before, they weren't keen to share how to get into the cafe.
But what if that's just an excuse? Because I've been uncertain if I should share it in the first place or not. I had thought that maybe if I shared the Pinterest photo they'd get that all this hint-dropping had been intentional, and that they shouldn't pay her attention because that's what she craves. And maybe, if they stop paying her attention, the issue would finally stop spreading too.
But at the same time, is it wrong to do that? What if I was wrong and thought there was malice when there is none? What if I accidentally bear false witness? Does assuming what her intentions are constitute bearing false witness? But I am convinced that it is what she's doing.
Maybe I'm finally getting drained thinking about this. I'm spending hours wondering what's real or not, what's fabrication, what is innocent...
I'm wondering why she keeps doing this.
And how? How did she know about what happened before it was posted?
Truthfully, there are many ways to know since she moves in the same circle, have the same friends. But there's also the possibility...
That she got it straight from him.
If I am thinking of all possibilities, then I should be open to that possibility too. It's not wrong to be friends, or to be kind to someone. But what if, again, there are no boundaries in place? And that's why she keeps doing this because his actions made her think there is something between them?
If she does this over and over and over... what if I slowly begin believing her too?
I'm so drained. I just noticed that I made an error on the inquiry I sent. And there's no way to change it or delete it. So I got a chance to make the inquiry and I blew it.
And I used my damn passport with my ugliest photo in existence and now the person who will see it must think people from my country are incredibly stupid for making such an error.
I wrote my name instead of the Daum ID name in the body of the text inquiry. ๐คฆ♀️. I should have rechecked it through the translation app!
Ah shit...there goes my chance. ๐ญ
Ha! HA! I was finally, finally, able to send a real name verification/application inquiry on Daum! After more than two hours! ๐ญ :tears of exasperation:
I am dizzy from all the Reddit posts, screenshots and translations that I read....
Should I do a mini tutorial? But then I'd have to make my blog searchable again...
She used the song Cigarettes After Sex - Sweet.
I am upset.
I loved that song! o(T□T)o
These two friends care so much about popularity.
The first one mentioned it recently. The second one is obsessed with it.
Does he have a twin? Like an exact replica. Completely the same in every aspect except maybe he works in a library or something.
I'll go for that one and these two can fight over who gets to bask in his popularity.
Or maybe slightly change the replica version into someone who doesn't get startled easily. I'm not sure his area has flying cockroaches like we do here. He might have a heart attack when he sees one.
One of the things that have raised my eyebrow on this whole thing was how people keep saying she's besties with girllll. As if that vets her somehow.
Like "oh this girl is dropping hints she's with him" and somebody would go "but she's friends with girllll". Huh??
Have none of you even noticed that girllll hasn't liked her posts since late 2022? And not only that, even this friend hasn't posted anything about girllll in years!
I know people would be saying that doesn't mean anything since girlll is still following her. But come on! From what I've seen before, she doesn't miss an opportunity to flaunt the friendship before so if they have met up she would have posted about it.
Also, isn't it a coincidence that girllll stopped liking the friend's posts around the same time the friend posted the sneaker photo? Which the friend posted after the man did?
I saw a post a few months ago in which girllll was asked what she'd do if a friend of hers liked her boyfriend. And girl answered she'd cut off that friend.
And I think that's what she did.
Except girllll can't really admit that she likes the man because she wants the man to confess first. So girllll can't really unfriend the friend because she doesn't have an actual reason to. So instead of cutting her off, she's still following her, but their relationship is more casual and cooler than it used to be.
I'm convinced this is how it is. Maybe I'm wrong but until I get new info to say otherwise, I think this holds up.
Yeah, this is probably why she wanted so badly to be publicly acknowledged. Not just by the man but by people in his circle, in his work. It's prestige by association. Just see how much people are looking favorably at her just because she's girllll's friend.
She's hungry for validation.
People won't think that way because she usually doesn't show her face, and she isn't showy with captions or what she posts.
But I have lived with narcissists. I'm not saying that she is, I'm saying I'm aware of the existence of seeming contradictions. Like a narcissist can have main character syndrome but still be hesitant to show their face. Like my family member. Because it's about perception, ego and control, not specifically about extroversion or social skills. So her not showing her face doesn't automatically mean she's shy or humble.
She gives the impression that she's humble. But inside, the desire to be validated is strong.
She has shown this with other people like letter singer. Really excited. But rather than show up like a fan, she's more inclined to show that she's more than a fan. Letter singer was reposting people who tagged him for his performance, and mostly people were posting hearts or other emojis, or texts congratulating him. She posts "miss you" in a pink serif font. Sure, they're friends and worked together. But not a congratulations on his work but more about drawing attention to herself? If I saw the stories one by one, her post would have made me think, "Oh she knows him personally". Maybe I might even have thought she was the singer's old flame or something.
And that's what I mean. These are not big gestures of gaining validation. These are small, and subtle, but ever present.
In the posts for example: What she does flaunt, she deletes. This creates an impression of humility while also satisfying her need to brag and even to control people's perception.
That's another thing. How people perceive her is important to her. It doesn't deter her that people might think she's attention-seeking. She's not embarrassed that people might pity her that the man isn't claiming her first. What's important to her is people associate her with him. That's still "prestige".
But say she's faking it and her ego will be hit. Because the perception is different. There's no prestige in being branded as "faking" it. She'll just be a random person like everyone else on the internet.
I'm worried... When I said that I was 'doubting my love' I wonder if he took it the wrong way? It was a joke about how tough the user verification was and how I want to give up but I'm doing it for him. Have I gone too far with the joke?
I messed up I think...
But how hard it was... I was half-joking on that one. Because while doing it I was realizing how hard it really was because of the credentials needed— if you don't have their number, their ID card, then no, you can't come in. It's kinda what it feels like. And I'm not faulting them. That's their right. But it makes me feel like... like it could be a wall between us.
Other things have been going on so I wasn't able to take time to figure out how to write this.
I tried, but it seemed messy. So to make it easier we've got the following cast of characters:
man
girlll's friend
OP
Commenter 1
Commenter 2
Commenter 3
OP posted a profile of girlll's friend and then tagged the man. So every person that checked the tags on the man for updates and news could see it. And considering what had happened, I bet there are more people checking the tags than usual as they're eager to hear about news.
OP had a fairly new account with several posts about the girlll dating back to July as far as I saw.
About OP's actual post where he tagged the man: No screenshot unfortunately. So I got this from Google search:
Except, by the time I saw it, the caption was different.
Instead of saying "Question who is she? Friend", it had said "Who is she? Girlfriend" and some emoji I can't remember.
The story they are mentioning is this:
The initial comments on the post by OP are from commenter 1 and answered by OP.
Initially only OP's first reply was there. It was bad, but it could still be ignored because people post speculations all the time.
Then going back to check OP's post, the second comment from OP has appeared.
Commenter 2 replied why should the man do that? Tiktok is full of girls posting pics of the man. If the man stepped up for all the girls that claimed him he'd have a thousand wives.
OP replied that the man isn't flirty with other girls. And the Tiktok girls are fake. And this is the real thing. They're dating.
Several minutes later, commenter 3 appeared. She said girlll's friend posted about cat passing before the man posted his story. And further echoed what OP said that girlll's friend and the man were dating. And I think she was the one that mentioned that she was friends with girllll.
Nearly thirty minutes later Commenter 2 replied that when the man posted a lamp the girlll's friend posted a photo from Pinterest of the same types of lamps making it seem something was going. Commenter 2 said it's fake, just like the tiktok girls.
OP replied to commenter 2 and said "It means it's true! They are dating".
Commenter 2 replied to OP saying 'How could you think that it means that it's real? It means she doesn't have an actual photo in his apartment.'
Commenter 2 replied to Commenter 3 and said "girlll hasn't liked the friend's posts in years. I assumed it was because she's weird"
And then commenter 2 made a general comment that "Wait... can we get sued for defamation? I'm gonna delete"
And then not a minute later the whole post disappeared. It turns out, OP suddenly deleted their account.
And not only that, the girlll's friend suddenly went private.
Suspicious? I think so.
Because for five hours, FIVE, that the post was up she didn't go private. And the post could habe been there for more than five hours. She's chronically online and posts multiple stories a day so she has definitely seen the post when the OP clearly tagged her multiple times— on the post itself and twice in the comments.
But even in the nearly two hours that the entire conversation in the comments between OP and commenters 2 and 3 took place in, she didn't go private.
Which means for at least 5 hours, she was perfectly fine and enjoying the thought that people were thinking that she was dating the man.
If she didn't care about what was said, about the rumor OP was posting, that's why she didn't react in those 5 hours, then why did she suddenly go private only after commenter 2 didn't believe the man was dating her and mentioned the possibility of the post getting sued for defamation? And why did she block commenter 2 when commenter 2 never even tagged her at all?
And isn't it a strange? OP said the man isn't flirty with other girls.
Huh? Is she saying the man was flirty with girlll's friend?
Because why make that distinction that he's not flirty with other girls? Has OP seen the man flirt with this girl and not with others? It's a strange statement to make when the man has never posted anything to indicate he was flirty with girlll's friend specifically. And girlll's friend is an ordinary citizen, so how would OP even know how he is with her?
I checked OP's location and it's United States. But I'm still suspicious.
Because how come both of these suddenly acted at around the same time?
Because I wasn't following girlll's friend I had to search her up manually each time I wanted yo check an update on OP's post. So I was sure girlll's friend's account was open thirty minutes before OP deleted her entire account.
It could just be a coincidence...
But isn't it weird that some random account just suddenly went from saying "Who is she?" to insisting that "They're dating."
Ahahahahaha! I just spent almost 2 hours trying to verify my daum cafe account!
Even logging in was a nightmare because for 15 minutes I found myself on an endless feedback loop!
I tried to google as much as I could. Screenshot everything so I can run it through translation apps...
Then finally, finally! I have composed my email to kakao for user verification! And just as I was attaching my ID photo, my email disappeared and I'm right back at the homepage!
And it happened again two more times!
I want to bang my head on my desk!!
Hahaha!
I haven't laughed as much these past few days.
Ahahahaha!
When I briefly mentioned girllll's friend, I decided to remove it because I thought I didn't want to talk about her anymore. Things have passed and it probably should just be left in the past.
Well, it's not in the past anymore because she's trying to make herself known again.
Sabi ko nga post ko noon, si girl style talaga nya establishing connection through physical contact. Yung friend naman nya dati ang style naman trying to connect through intimacy. Nagpost kaya sya ng story ng kama tapos may isang pillow lang sa gitna, tapos may song na kasama, so very suggestive na invitation to have intimacy yung buong story.
Pero mas nakakatakot etong si friend kasi di yun magdadalawang isip to throw him under bus para sa ego nya. As in nagpopost si friend na wala siyang pakialam na nasasaktan si guy. Kumulo dugo ko don. I get it na galit siya pero wala siyang care na maskatan siya tapos a few days later parang gusto nya magkabalikan sila? Nakakainis ha! Huh. Alam kaya ni guy na may silent war tong dalawang to dahil sa kanya? Hindi na nag like si girllll sa IG ng friend nya since nalink si friend sa kanya. Kaya ko nga lang nalaman kasi yung friend mismo post ng post, napansin tuloy ng followers. Dun ko nabalitaan pero nung nalaman ko na mukhang wala na sila kasi nagpopost na si friend kadikit ibang lalaki. Magkadikit yung arms nila na akala mo nagcocompare ng complexion. Inosente lang sana no? Yung isa kunwari sa mukha pa yung hawak pero thumb lang naman nakadikit. Pinapaselos nya siguro. Pero parang sira lang ano? Kung mahal mo bakit ka magpopost kadikit ng ibang lalaki? Gusto nya magselos yung guy? Gusto nya mafeel nyang mahal sya nung guy pag nagselos siya? E kaya pala nagkasundo sila ni girllll nung umpisa e, parehong gustong maging special. ๐คฆ♀️
Ngayon eto nanaman siya. Trying to make it seem that they're dating. I wouldn't care but something created a troublesome post because of what she's been doing.
The other day, I was kinda busy looking at things. Looking for more messages, more condolences. And I was gathering them, but even doing that made me feel unsure.
Is it okay to do this? Won't it seem too sad to think about it for so many days?
I'm not saying what happened should be forgotten. I'm just wondering how do people transition to starting healing? It could be depressing to think about sad memories everyday. I've looked at comments and some people say they couldn't move on after ten days. Others said they were in a bad state for months. But to talk about this everyday— wouldn't that be like keeping somebody's emotions down? But to instantly talk about happy things seems insensitive too.. I didn't know which path to choose. I'm not sure what's okay for him.
I'm trying to think about how I processed things when these things happened to me and I can't think of a suitable answer. With every loss, I just went through the motions.
I think it's the same for my family. I wasn't raised to deal with emotions. I don't know how. And I don't think my parents actually knew how either.
My family had a practical view of death. More so with the passing of pets. In our home, it was just a moment in time; you don't dwell on it. There's a very practical approach to it. I'm grateful to my mother in that sense because I don't think I could have done what she did: Buried each of our animals who passed. We have an area that was set to be the burial site for them. It's not a proper grave. Nothing placed there to serve as a memorial. It's just soil. To remember what was under there is happenstance. Not intentional.
Sometimes we would even joke about not planting root crops there.
I wasn't sure what the right approach was. Check-in often? Then I thought that might be too depressing. Suffocating even. Would a person find that too heavy to be reminded of it every couple of hours?
But then yesterday, I thought what if I was wrong? What if checking in often was the right approach? What if in trying to give him space I made him feel alone?
I don't know what the right choice is! I don't know what people actually need! So many different people want different things and I don't know what he prefers, what helps him.
Sometimes, I feel regretful about how socially inept I am.
It's not just in this instance but in other instances as well. For other people. I feel embarrassed having to google what to say at times when people I know say that a relative of theirs had passed. I just end up saying "Condolence" for fear of saying the wrong thing.
I read the comments carefully and I read that somebody liked it when people would ask about her pet right after her pet passed. So I decided to go with that. I thought it was nice, a kind of memoriam.
But other times... I was worried that I talked too much, said too much, that I might seem like I'm trying too hard and that it might be misunderstood as insincere.
Is there a way to better know these things? Know what to do?
I was looking at a follower's comment the other day and she was posting about International Cat day. One had a caption that was like, 'yeah, we know she's a beauty'— it was worded as if he was in a jovial mood bragging about her. I thought the follower didn't know what happened and I was about to tell her when I thought to look at her profile. Yeah, she knew. She posted a comment about it but she still continued posting about International Cat Day as if nothing happened. Uhm, this is not the time? ๐คฆ♀️
I think I found someone more socially inept than me.
Ceiling is leaking. Lol.
I guess I shouldn't feel so bad about not sleeping early tonight. If I did, I would have woken up drenched. ๐ At least I saw it a bit early, only my pillow got wet.
I told my sister twice I was moving to the empty unit in a joking tone. She had no reply. ๐
^Moved the bed 1 foot away. Now I'm right next to the closet door. That's okay. It's not my closet anyway. Ahahahaha!
I was just going to gather condolences but then I saw a comment from this troll who I have seen multiple times over the course of months!
Ugh!!! I want to rain down the insults on this troll! But I had to hold back because he might see. ๐ Starting a full blown fight in a comment section is gonna be crass. But I did try to tell her off for a bit...
I had been anxiously waiting for a sign that she's better. I had even started feeling guilty because I never even prayed for our own turtles. But she's old and I was hoping she'd have a few more years with him.
I shouldn't have sent that nonsense. I was just thinking of saying a quick good night and leaving but I saw that post, thought it might be interesting, and maybe take his mind off of things. Distract him from his worries for a bit. I didn't know something already happened.
I don't even know how to properly comfort him. I don't know what to say, don't know what to do, don't know how to help.
Is it helpful to talk about it or to avoid it entirely? Should I find things to cheer him up or is that disrespectful? I don't know. I was raised by emotionally unavailable parents.
How can I be there for him?
I feel anxious. Again. I'm anxious about a cat who is not even my cat. So I haven't slept. And me and my sister ate through the early morning hours. ๐
I ended up reading about this girl, a fan of an idol boy group who committed suicide on a livestream. Apparently, she had gone on a fansign, gave a couple of bouquets to a boy group member and asked him to give one of the bouquets to her main bias. The idol didn't hear and started posing with the flowers. The girl got upset and there are conflicting claims of her fidgeting and shouting.
There are also conflicting claims that the idol, her main bias, went on a livestream and said he didn't like these type of fans who draw attention to themselves. The fans zeroed in on this girl as the person being talked about.
The girl apologized on her account and closed it. But still he comments didn't stop. This apparently happened over the course of four days.
Then she went on a livestream to explain herself and the negative comments followed her there. There was a rope on the door behind her. She said that she lost her joy. And hanged herself. Somebody on twitter said her stream was on for two hours before people came and turned it off.
When she apologized, apparently she said she miscalculated how close she thought she was to the members. She supposedly worked as a cabaret hostess even while attending university. And she used that money to fund being a fan, getting front row seats to events, sending gifts to members. She apparently sent 100 white roses to her main bias early this year. Somebody said that back then the other fans thought it was cute and thought she was pretty, then just months later the same fans called her names and said she was too parasocial.
Was she too parasocial? She attended enough events that the idols and even other fans could recognize her.
I honestly don't know. It makes me wonder...
I don't want to be the kind of person who can't laugh at a joke.
I can. And I do recognize that the joke he said was funny. But somehow... it made me sad.
This is not about the First Love. I'm not even mad at her at all. Or the joke they exchanged. I think it's partly because I don't see anything questionable from her. From what very, very little I've seen of her, I actually like her very strong adherence to her sense of self. Honestly? I think he really did like her in the past. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been so self-conscious to hug her with his hips jutting out. ๐ธ But I don't feel bad about it. And it feels like something that's truly in the past and doesn't have the same meaning in the present. And I try to look at things that way...
But the joke reminded me of these past few weeks. It reminded me... to ask myself, is this what is expected of me? To watch as the interactions become closer? How was it described by somebody else again? Intimate. They said it looked intimate. The worst part is, I can't even completely refute it.
I hate that I feel this way. I hate thinking this way. I hate it, because I don't want him to stop joking around with people. But at the same time... I feel lost. That's why I thought of again trying to explain but I ended up failing when I couldn't find the video to send to him.
I was talking to him about a show because somebody said the ML and 2ndFL had a mature relationship. It's a situationship that played in the boundaries between intimacy and friendship. And I questioned that. And I told him my thoughts about it.
The ML would lie on the lap of the 2ndFL and both enjoyed a friendship that was a lot closer to an unspoken romance.
I said, if the 2ndFL and 2ndML didn't end up together, would the ML have continued his more-than-a-friendship kind of relationship with 2ndFL even though the ML and FL are together?
I suddenly realized I was describing something similar to what was happening in our own reality. I didn't intend it that way.
Well... shit. At least I can say I was consistent– in what matters to me, in what bothers me.
I thought I finally stopped crying.
Am I really supposed to never speak up about this?
Maybe I'm not supposed to because it's not my place.
Maybe that's what less than a lover truly means.
I'm nothing.
It really made me laugh when I first saw that.
Now I'm back to crying.
And somewhere in between all of these, I remembered that my 20 year old self wouldn't have put up with this. I would have valued my peace, my sense of self, my beliefs. But now... I can't even think of going.
When I wrote that post that I said I couldn't finish... it felt wrong to even say I'd leave if something goes wrong. Because I don't want to abandon him. I don't want to hurt him like that. But at the same time, I don't want to be the kind of woman who watches while her dignity gets trampled on, who lets herself burn to keep others warm, who loses her soul while loving somebody else.
Why does it have to be a choice between loving someone and keeping your beliefs?
