Today is a good day! 

Two years ago, it rained so hard that I wondered if it was raining in another part of the world too. I sent this, like sharing an umbrella to someone special. I had no idea what was happening about an hour after I did. The power went out and I was completely surprised when I finally found out what happened. And even when I heard about it, I didn't even fully realize what it meant then! Honestly, I'm not even sure if I understood what was said. But I realized something important: I love him too. And I wanted to keep his precious feelings safe. 

I sent an umbrella that day...

Something wonderful came back to me. ❤️

 This is the last time we cry about it, okay?

I remembered what was said about the coffee, "we have it every morning" and I wondered if that was an error or the exact thing that was said. And if it was....

"We". Did it mean together? A routine done together?

Does it matter to even think about it? I'm tired of crying everyday. 

I waited for two months. I pleaded and held my breath while all it took for someone else is a look and a word. It's hard to think about what that meant, of where I stood, of what I meant to him.

I've contemplated telling myself to hold back, to stop giving my all but then I remembered what day tomorrow is, what it meant, and all that was done and said. If I hold back, am I saying that all of that is for nothing?

Love is what we choose to give other people, not a reflection of what we get. It's a conclusion I came to while contemplating about other people's circumstances. What we give other people will not reflect what we will get in return. We choose to give, we choose to take away. We receive nothing, we can choose to walk away.

I choose love. 

I can't deny that I'm shaken. The pain is still there. The questions still remain. My sadness runs deep. And I feel pathetic. I can't help but feel cautious: I'm going to get hurt, am I?

But when he came for me, he still managed to make me feel hopeful that everything will be okay...

I saw that he was there...

He's probably off work, unwinding. I was going to the grocery store with my sister but I stayed there for a bit.

I stayed just because I missed him. 

Earlier today I had thought of coming back to X, to see what's up, have something to talk about...

But a one second scroll and the first thing I see is a post from Fake Person. 

I was so livid. "Defending you"? You belittled him and likened him to an animal months ago. You never "defended him". You've been doing the opposite trying to spread the narrative that he's obsessed over your idol. You put him down and now you want to tell everyone he's obsessed with her because you know he's good! Fake piece of shit!

I've considered blocking this piece of shit but I feel it's more important to make sure nobody I know actually follows her. And I see what she's up to and she's been at it:

The last line. I've seen her write that before and I had ignored it. Now I'm thinking I think she's using that last line to imply they're good at hiding their relationship.

"That's how she gets him every time."  Fake person is implying her idol got him wrapped around her finger by just looking at him with puppy eyes. 

"He follows her around and do everything she asks of him."

......

And I had to beg him to come! Two months. I'm laughing at how pathetic I am and crying at the same time.

I fell asleep and woke back up at past 5am. So here I am trying to make sense of things, trying to pick out the right words...

It's futile. All the things that I was upset about, the things I felt wrong, the tears shed, all of it, is pointless. Because there is no problem unless it's their problem. Nothing is wrong unless it's wrong for them. So if they can't see what bothers you, does it even exist in the first place?

I thought about it so much. I wanted him to keep his friendships. I don't want him to feel awkward, weird or restricted around his friends. I considered not saying anything at all even if it felt wrong. But it felt heavy like a burden. Then I ended up saying a little bit after all. Maybe I should have left it alone.

Let them decide freely, make their choices without interference. And if she succeeds and gets under his skin, gets what she wants? Then that's his choice to make too.

If she succeeds, I would have to disappear.

Maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way. I have to be realistic. What if he sees me and realizes I'm an ugly potato? 

He would still need somebody. She can probably be the homemaker that he wanted, and everything else on that list. And she's a better fit in his life, his work, his friends...

There's not one path, one scenario, in all of this that I come out unscathed. In every possible outcome, I'm either the villain or the wounded. I'm either the villain that ruins the dynamic of his friendships or the collateral damage, an outsider, caught up in someone else's budding love story. 

Do I sound like I'm giving him away? I'm not. Where do I stand with him? Where am I? If I'm not at the forefront of his mind, then where am I?

I was so happy before this.....

 I was finally able to sleep! I was tossing and turning... i felt like I was going to have a fever!

I wasn't planning to wake up at this time. But I kept waking— 6, 6:50, 7:30, 8, 8:45... I still feel tired. And drained. 

^ I just came back from checking in.

I became acutely aware of the futility of what I've been doing. I saw some clips and reality just hit me:  He probably doesn't even think anything was wrong.

I was going to say 'he probably doesn't think anything was bad' but I remember his reaction. He knew it was bad, but it was fun, so he did it anyway. Did he think anything was wrong when I told him I'll follow his lead? Probably not.

All is right in his world.

Yeah, maybe I'm the only one with a problem with it. I'm the only one torn up. So let's try to make this the last time we cry about it, okay? It's futile. It doesn't affect anyone but you.

Betrayal of Consideration

There's this post that was talked about recently from Twitter, to Reddit, to Youtube:

I feel for this woman, I really do. I got sad the first time I read this.

I showed this to my sister and my sister was like 'they're not like our dad, when somebody sold him something (somebody sold him Avon stuff when we were young) he gave it to us.' And I literally stared at my sister.

I was like, No. Our father brought me to a store to buy a popular toy for a potential client's kid.  A game n watch. A toy I wanted for myself too. A toy my parents repeatedly told me wasn't for me before we even went there. 

My parents actually sat me down for dinner and my mother gave this serious talk about what I was supposed to do and to know that we weren't buying it for me. Told me we couldn't afford it, it was just for my father's job: he's giving a gift to the potential client's kid so the client would buy a machine from him. He just wanted me to pick out the best one, the one that was popular with the kids my age. I understood.

I was like a dog in the treat aisle, lol. I did my 'job' and I think the kid liked my pick. He got the sale. I guess they pitied me afterwards and they got me a way cheaper off brand stuff. I liked it at first then I was embarrassed of it, honestly. I felt like it would have been better if they didn't give it to me. Because it didn't feel like a reward either.  Classmates gave a 'disappointed' look when it wasn't the 'right' game. And I had to carry the guilt of my parents spending the money for it even though I understood that we couldn't afford it and I never asked for it. 

And it's not the first time something like this happened either, lol. I once wrote here about my rabbit toy and it's more or less the same thing.

So yeah, I got sad after reading this woman's post because I could empathize with her.  I truly do. Even more upsetting that her husband dismisses it as mere 'jealously'. That's what my parents thought too. It's not.

If you're not at the forefront of your someone's mind, then where are you? 

It was as if it's because you no longer needed to be won over. The husband didn't need to impress her anymore. He got her locked down, at home, taking care of the house, the kids, his clothes. She's not going anywhere. He doesn't feel the need to give her the best of everything, because she'll make do with anything, whatever anything he'll give her. Even if that meant giving her nothing.

Her love made her disposable.

I bet if he wasn't at the forefront of her mind, he'd notice. They tend not to notice until it happens to them. And he'd argue it wasn't silly jealousy either.

 After seeing everything... Why does it look like they're right after all?

With her he's like a puppy. She whines for him to sit and he struggles to resist her command, while I pleaded for him to come back and waited for two months. I cried-laughed at the thought of it.

Was he enjoying all of this dynamic? Does he like it? When she's ordering him around? 

I remember what it was like. Remembering finding out that that person was crushing on a specific Japanese idol, and I was left in shock. I had zero feelings left, that wasn't the issue. The idol looked like the girl he had a crush on before me. I was stunned. All those times when he treated me poorly and I wondered why. I knew something was wrong, I could feel it. And then years later, I realized it was because of that. I wasn't what he wanted. He just "wanted" me because I was there! The hurt I felt.. 

Is this a repeat performance? Same name, same year, same problem?

I told that person before, why don't you pursue this person or that person instead? And he told me I was throwing him away. I didn't know it at that time, but I was also making a choice, a choice he couldn't make on his own. I was insecure and felt uncertainty. He didn't really love me, but stuck around because he wanted to have someone. Now looking back, it did seem like I was pushing him away. Even though what I wanted was just reassurance.

Am I doing it again now? No. I'm not pushing him away. I don't want to. I had been so sure of him but he planted uncertainty in my mind and the fear that it will be like that again...

Maybe there's something there. Something he wanted to pursue but didn't. I don't know. Something unresolved. 

I don't want that. I will never want to play second to anyone like that again. I will never want to be someone's placeholder. I will hate myself more if I found myself again in that position and I will hate anyone who will make me hate myself. I would disappear in a heartbeat. 

I know I have nothing to show for. Not as young, or pretty, or accomplished. Even so, I'd like to keep my dignity.

I'm not that unreasonable.

I could consider the possibility that I am wrong. That maybe I made a big deal of things.

So... because I am a woman of science, I understand that there are things that are better understood in practice. Maybe I am missing a fundamental layer in understanding the circumstances.

First written on Sunday but I held it in drafts. Some things changed since then though:

I am just so pissed off at this fangirl on Twitter because I distinctinctly remember that she unnecessarily talked shit about him months ago. 

He has this one obsessed fan on twitter that would pop up and talk shit about the women he works with or are associated with him. A truly successful ragebaiter. It's embarrassing because this person gives other fans of his a bad impression. But so far, nobody really attacks him for because of this crazy fan. Except for this girl's fangirl.

Obsessed fan said something bad about this fangirl's idol. And fangirl flipped her shit. But instead of this fangirl just attacking the obsessed fan, she talked shit about him as well. She actually compared him to an animal. 

None of his own fans can come defend him because obsessed fan started it. Worse part is, if anybody defended him this fangirl could spin the narrative that this fans are taking obsessed fan's side and agreeing with what she said. She could also spin the narrative that his fans are toxic and ganging up on her idol. So none was said in his defense.

But she did try to backpedal, knowing what she said was awful, and she said that he is her favorite.

Favorite but then she likened him to an animal? What a fucking fake person.

One of her posts passed my timeline. I don't follow her or look her up. But because she mentioned the latest work, and of course the woman and the man's name, her own post got visibility for anyone searching the show.

Fake Person posted: 

And I can't help but roll my eyes. It's so obvious that she wants to imply that she thinks that there's something going on but now she's embarking on a fishing expidition to have other people validate and say it for her.

And somebody replies:

Notable part of this other person's reply was that she mentioned "older role model" and "brother-father-cousin".

And Fake Person was like Nope.

I knew it. I called it even when I saw her first tweet. Somebody mentioned a brotherly/fatherly vibe and she rejected it. Because that's not what she wants to hear. What she wants is for people to say that he's a lovesick puppy for her.

Another person comes in and finally says what she wants to say.

Because of course she can't say it herself. She doesn't want to be a "shipper". She scoffs at the brother-sister dynamic others have pointed out. Clearly, even at the beginning she didn't think they had a brother sister dynamic, why can't she just say so in the first place? Of course she can't say it herself. She doesn't want to be a shipper.

Instead of shipping, where both parties can be on equal terms of liking each other, she wants it to seem that he's chasing her. Because if men are falling head over heels over her idol, then her idol is a great person, and then she can feel satisfied with herself that she's a fan of such a great person. It's like greatness by association.

And it isn't that just disgusting? Just months ago this Fake Person was looking down on him, likening him to an animal, and now she wants him to be lovestruck over her idol.

Fucking Fake piece of shit. If you didn't think he was good enough for you to respect him then why want him to be paired with your idol?

And the way she paints it "she walks away" like he's the one chasing her and initiating things with her— I could name multiple instances where she is the one initiating. Including the ones fake person mentioned. She wants to paint it as if he's the one waiting on her? I could see that she's the one who started it.

But obviously Fake Person would deny that. Because it doesn't elevate her idol's status to chase a man. Because it's looked down upon if a woman makes the first move on a man. But a woman is seen as precious if she's got men falling all over her.

I missed him. Suddenly at 3am, I missed him.

My sister showed me a video of a podcast host reading a message from a woman terminally ill with cancer. She had months to live. But she won't tell her husband or her kids so they could go through their grand, multi-week European vacation without worry.

And I thought of him. And I thought if either of us did this, would we be mad at the other? And I thought about me being angry. Am I wasting time by being angry? 

But then it made me angrier. Because that meant I have to suck up every hurt feeling. That meant I have to bite my tongue and turn a blind eye to everything I see is wrong. So now it feels like a burden. A burden that I am forced to bear alone.

The more I thought of it, the angrier I became.

Because why? Why did I have to be okay with this? Even if it felt wrong? Why?

So I don't ruin the mood? So I don't make it awkward? So I won't be labeled as the weird person trying to 'stop' others from 'having fun.'

So I have to smile and pretend I'm okay with it even though it didn't sit right with me. So I won't be the "bad" person.

It felt like a subjugation of self. A suppression.

And you know what? 

I remember the look on his face as he said it. He knew it was bad but he did it anyway. 

I love him. But I'm not okay with it. 

I could feel my anger building, and I could not say anything more than good night.

I could not decide on a path to take. 

And for a while, I thought I could just ignore it. I was thinking that if I said something it would only bring more focus to it. 

What if I said something and because of that he ends up acting awkwardly around them and their camaraderie gets ruined?

What if I said something and he loses his friendships?

And I really don't want that. I could see his friendships keep him happy and I want him to have that.

And this was the problem. I didn't want to be the person to cause drama.

But at the same time, if I leave it alone, what if she succeeds to get under his skin? What if he isn't aware and becomes more and more open to her advances? I think I wouldn't have been bothered so much if she flirted up-front and direct like everybody else, or practiced as much restraint like everybody else. It's the difference between dying in a battlefield and drinking poison at a banquet. 

I thought of telling him. Like a warning.

What if I say something and he denies what's happening, or dismisses it?

What if I say something and I'm just seen as the person ruining the mood?

What if my words are simply dismissed as being emotional or jealous? I would hate that.

And the more I thought about possibilities, of choices and outcomes, the angrier I got.

Why should I be the one to bite my tongue and keep silent so they can keep having fun?

Why should I be the one to speak up and point it out?

More than what she's doing, more than what he said, I was angry because I felt like the choices and outcomes were falling on my shoulder:

Why do I have to choose between him having his fun friendships or having someone come between us? 

Why am I expected to see something as funny when it doesn't feel right to me? 

Why do I have to give up my own sense of self  to become "understanding" and "unproblematic"?

Why am I expected to set aside my own feelings and burn myself so others can have fun?

Why does it fall unto me to decide which way to go? To tell him and risk ruining his friendships and their good mood? To not tell him, and risk losing him anyway? 

Why is this burden suddenly mine?

 Ay naku, girl, hindi ako tumagal sa all-girls school nang walang natututunan. Alam ko na yung mga style na yan

Eto lang talaga

Siyempre importante ang friends. So ayoko mawala friends nya. Basta boundaries at awareness lang.

Sa girls din naman merong ganyan. Umaaligid, nakaabang. Pero as long as yung tao mismo iniisip nya na walang mangyayari kasi hindi ko papayagan na may mangyari e di mostly okay lang. As long as yung boundaries intact. Yung hindi hahayaang makalapit ng husto yung isa. Yung emotional and physical boundaries are never crossed.

But yung emotional boundaries tricky e. Kasi some people in denial na may crossing of emotional boundaries.

Natawa siya nung nakamakeup... baka mamaya pag nakita niya ako matawa siya dahil mukha akong kamote.

^And I wrote that days ago and things changed.

I could have bit my tongue and said it was okay as long as it was never reciprocated. But hearing him say that? Did he just plant a seed of doubt? What if I'm I just in the way? Should I step aside? 

Hmm.. Come to think of it. She'll probably be better at taking care of him. She has a great career, can cook, is charming, very pretty, and very actively showing that he can look after him very well. I can't even care for myself, and seriously doubt I can step up well enough to do it for someone else. 

It's not comparison, it's acknowledgement of someone's strengths. Whatever opinion I may have of someone, it doesn't make me blind to everything. 

The only thing I have is... me. There's only one me.

Two years ago there was this hoodie drama on Tiktok. It's even on Stephanie Soo's youtube channel. The short summary of the context goes like this:

Girl A was doing a video saying she's no longer friends with her best friend who she lives with, Girl B.

Girl A has a boyfriend. Girl B is single.

And one time Girl B borrows a hoodie from Girl A's boyfriend, because it was cold. 

But Girl B takes two weeks to return it.

Then Girl B texts Girl A's boyfriend to tell him to pick up a sandwich she made for him. It's like a thank you gift for the sandwich. She she basically wants the boyfriend to make a stop at her house before the boyfriend goes to work.

Oh shit. I remembered I also used to give my sandwich to my ex before we started dating.

 I'm just getting so progressively angry.

*

You know what? I actually liked her.

Nung una ko siyang makita gustong gusto ko siya. I liked looking at her bright, happy face siguro kasi hindi ako ganun. At that time, gusto kong napapanood yung mga masayang tao. Binida ko pa nga siya sa kapatid ko, tuwang-tuwa ako tapos ayaw ni ate. Hahaha!

Kaya siya yung una kong sinearch. Sa kanya talaga ako unang interesado, even more than the boys. 

Tapos yung mga posts na nakita ko... may chismis sa ex niya. Sabi ko, e ano naman, tapos na e. Tapos sumunod naman yung picture na pinost niya, first picture pa. Dineny naman na may malisya. Sabi ko naman, e baka natuwa lang kasi siyempre sobrang sikat na ng tandem nila e. Baka nga minasama lang nga mga tao. Pero yung ibang posts...sabi ko, bakit ganun? 

Yung isa sabi kung papipiliin siya dun sa mga lalaking nakatrabaho nya para irecommend sa friend niya sinong pipiliin niya? Hindi niya pinili nya yung isa. Sabi pa yun yung 'real deal'. Napaisip ako. Bakit hindi mo irecommend yung dati mong katandem? I mean, obvious naman na siya yung best sa pagpipilian sa prospective relationships. Bigla kong naalala yung mga schoolmates ko. Yung sa mean girls ng high school, yung di nila ibibigay yung best candidate sa friends nila. Ganun yung sumagi sa isip ko.

Tapos second post, galing daw Sports Chosun.

Sabi nya she's not a pro in dating because she's never confessed. Ehh? That's such a weird thing to say. Nakita ko yung ilang comments na supposedly galing sa original article sabi ng isa 'ang ibig sabihin nga nun pro ka sa dating kasi nga napaconfess mo yung iba' sabi pa ng isa 'humblebrag'. 

Napaisip ako dun. Kasi parang, kinatutuwa mo yon? It kinda left a bad taste in my mouth and I told myself I'll stop looking things up so I won't get a bad impression. I didn't want my perception of her to change.

Then I saw the video.

Oh. Okay... The thing is nobody said anything ever about the video. It's like, am I the only one who noticed? Probably. Because she played it off like she's falling. In my country where the commute is harrowing and falling is a common sight, that's not how a person falls. Because when they have virtually nothing to sit on, the entire concentration goes on trying to stay upright and then people try to catch themselves when they fall. Or grab the closest thing they can hold onto. She 'fell' and the first thing she does is rub his arm then look at him. She 'fell' and slid lid her hand down his arm then looked at him. Who actually falls like that? 

A...hah.. Yeah, I saw that. He didn't.

Akala ko over the years she's moved on. But no, seeing what I saw, she's still trying. And I have never seen anyone both so coy and so aggressive at the same time.

The wearing of clothes...that's a pretty common thing. Done by girlfriends. And it made me think, is that what she's trying to do? Trying to signal that she's 'girlfriend'? And I also heard that she wore somebody else's jacket recently. Mabaliw-baliw followers nya kakahanap kung kanino yung jacket. See, even other girls know the borrowing of clothes 'mean' something.

I know at times it's casual. Hindi naman ako OA para pagbintangan lahat. Gaya nung nanghiram ng glasses si sister mula sa hari. Casual lang. Mukhang walang malisya. 

And sometimes it does seem na yung actions nya rin walang malisya. Or is it? Because there's so many things. If it's one thing, I would dismiss it. Maybe even two. Or three. But multiple things all at once? First part palang nakita ko na antics nya. Girlllll.... Kaya nga sabi ko aggressive e. Tingnan mo si sister, hindi ganyan. Sweet din naman si sister pero may clear distance at boundaries kahit close and casual din. 

It's like there's an intentional creation of connections. It's a series of suggestions, like creating hooks in ones mind. 

Is it normal to flirt? Yeah. Do people flirt with multiple people at the same time? Also yeah. It's normal for people to have more than one "prospect" when they're single. It's like gambling. People place their bets on multiple slots hoping that one would succeed. But again, the difference is that most people flirt front and center. Even if you don't see them approach, you can remember the time when they did. Their flirting, in that sense, is direct, front and center. She flirts sideways. Where there's so much plausible deniability that can be made, yet she can establish a place in the other person's mind. The other person might not even know how it happened afterwards. I have never seen anything like it before. 

Like a said, it's a series of suggestions. Even yung suggestion ng travel. Is it a good idea? Yeah! I liked the idea too! Sobra! I commend her for that. But I was weirded out by the reasoning: gusto nya makita ng iba yung chemistry. Naging suspicious ako. Kasi baka mamaya mali ako at culturally normal para sa kanila na sabihin to. But at the same time, I remembered the wedding picture posted. The wearing of clothes. It's not just a suggestion to the other person but a suggestion to other people 'See? We look good together.' She wants to be seen as 'girlfriend'. And that's also a way of persuading the other person, by making others see it and acknowledge it. Especially men who are more easily influenced by their peers about who they should be in a relationship with. It's like, 'So and so thought we look good together, that's funny but don't you agree?'

And I don't know if others notice it. Pero nakita ko na nung naglalagay ng pagkain si Girlll, and si Hari naglagay din. Does King know? Does he notice it? Parang mas sensitive si Hari sa mga ganitong bagay.  I mean, di rin naman ako sigurado. Kasi culturally uso sa kanina nagpapakain ng ibang tao di ba? Pero yan on top of everything else... the way she asked permission to eat, the clothes, the exchanging of food, the rushing outside to feed food, telling him to come for sunscreen (you could have handed him the bottle), the food on his hand, rushing towards him nung nanalo sya (were you expecting you'd get a hug). There's so much there all at once.

Bottomline is: she's trying to make him confess.

That's it. Because she could have flirted upfront like most people, tell him she likes him or whatever but that's not what she wants. She wants that feeling of being special, that power, that comes from being confessed to. And that is supported by her own revelation that she wants to be babied, and the weird way of saying she isn't a pro at dating because she never confessed. Could also be why ang laki ng age gap nila ng ex nya. People tend to naturally fall into gender and age roles. Lalo na pa sa bayan nila na mas malakas yung connection ng age and heirarchy roles, mas mataas yung chance na ma-spoil sya at maging special siya pag malaki yung gap.

That's why she goes through the extra effort and that's why it's so aggressive. Because the agenda is to be obvious enough not to be doubted that she's open to receive love, but discreet enough that she can deny she's sending signals so you'd have to be the person to bring it up. 

Those early posts finally made sense. They fit a puzzle, and I can see the pattern.

 I finally fell asleep and woke up at our time.

I didn't go. But I thought, 

How ingrained he is in my mind...

 I'm agitated and I can't sleep. 

My shimmer migraine yesterday was so bad, I thought going to sleep would make it go away. A piercing headache made me wake up instead!

At least it's almost gone now. I hate shimmer migraines. It's been a long time since I had one. But I still can't figure out what triggers it. Stress? Could be. 

 "Even now"

When the I heard the news I was stunned. I think I spaced out for at least 30 minutes before the thoughts came running through my head. 

I thought I had time. Time to fix myself. Time to change. Then eventually come at my own time. Then suddenly this. I had so many thoughts coming to my head. Anong mukha ihaharap ko? I was afraid to disappoint. So many thoughts. I had to force myself to stop thinking about it because I had something more important to attend to.

And I didn't want to ruin the happy mood. My happy mood.

But after the day has passed and all was done, the news slowly started creeping back in my mind. I know that I would eventually have to face it. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't have the answer. 

But then seeing everything. Reading what was said. Hearing what was said,

"Even now"

And at first I thought it was fine. I even tried to joke about it even when it felt wrong. Maybe I'm used to suppressing things. My immediate thought was to refuse to acknowledge what I instinctively felt as wrong. But the more I thought of it... all those vulnerable feelings of anxiety, fear and feeling sorry was replaced... I felt cold. 

It is wrong. I'm good with my assessments; this is not a mere emotional response. And for it to be said in front of the other person?

Am I just supposed to accept this? If the roles were reversed, would it be accepted as well? Am I expected to just accept this? Is that how it's going to be? 

 I'm not in a jovial mood today.

I was browsing and came upon a convo yhat got me annoyed. And it's a topic that I've successfully avoided for a week so I could focus on the important things, but now seeing it talked about again brought it back up in my mind.

On top of that, what was said...

I knew it was said in jest. Keeping the mood light and all. I didn't even mind. But what struck me was the hesitation. Knew it sounded bad when it was said but did it anyway. Okay. No big deal. But then looking at it while I was typing...is there something there? What are the chances it's a hang-up? 

Hm. I avoided the other topic as soon as it dropped. Mentally I'm avoiding to acknowledge it because I was happy. Is this going to make the decision easier? 

 What???? 🫢

☺️

I just wanted to celebrate this day.

I made a car.  

My whole idea had been: sports car driving down the coastline/beach.

That's not my personal fantasy, okay? Haha! But I wanted to give that.

This is the closest I'll ever get to being able to afford giving someone their dream car. 😅

I was so fascinated with people making fondant cakes on Instagram because they made it look so easy. It's not. Absolutely not. Hahaha!

First of all, it needed to be kneaded. That rhymes! Anyway, when I went to sleep yesterday after hours of cleaning, my wrist hurt. But when I woke up my arms were trembling. Both my arms hurt! I couldn't even lift my phone high up. How could I knead the fondant? I ended up waiting for the pain to subside which resulted in me falling asleep.

That's my regret. 

If I was able to make this earlier, I could have finished earlier. I saw the last post but I decided to finish first what I was doing. I should have come in.

But what I really should have done is made this earlier. Like days earlier. And I would have except that we had unforeseen circumstances. We had someone come in to fix our kitchen drain and install a sink. Well, the person said he needed to break the cement. It was a sudden, unexpected decision and there was no time to pack away anything. So every thing in the house got covered in a thick layer of dust. Everything, every spoon, fork, and plate, everything. Clearly, baking was not an option.

Well, I thought the point was to make a car. So at 8:40pm, I went out to go to the grocery store to buy those cake bars. The taste wasn't the issue. Putting them together and trying to create a shape was because there was nothing holding them together. I thought of using the jar of premade frosting that I had bought. But when I opened it, it had gone bad.

This had been my back-up plan. While I did plan to make this car in the first place with gumpaste, I was skeptical when I saw how hard the gumpaste I had was. Google said to mix it with fondant. So I ordered one but the fondant wasn't here yet the other day. I had never tried it before. But after seeing that the frosting had gone bad, I had no other option I could use other than this.

I actually didn't think it would be so hard to form! 😭 

I swear, I wasn't like this as a grade school student working with clay! I couldn't make this as smooth as I wanted. On top of that, the entire thing was sagging!  I didn't know fondant, or at least this fondant that I bought plus the gumpaste, was so soft it wasn't holding up well. I had to prop up the whole thing on cracker sandwiches to make room for the wheel. And everything underneath it started sagging. It sagged so much my sister said my car had a flat! 😑

And additionally, I was rushing things so badly that the result was bumpy. I was way in over my head! 🥲

I only had less than an hour left before I started painting it with food color and water. I'm pretty sure that's not how it's supposed to be done but that's how I did it. 😅

And it came out badly. Really badly at first. All the bumps became even more ridiculously obvious. I had also actually planned to make "soil" from crushed graham, but again, no time left. That was supposed to be the road the car is on. Instead some edible silver got on the cake board and at first I thought it looked a bit okay so I smeared a few on the other side of the board. But in pictures, the silver on the board doesn't shine and it just looked like dirt! Hahaha!

It wasn't the best looking thing the moment I finished it. But after a couple of hours the colors had melted together and it looked kinda like glazed ceramic. Pretty cool, actually.

So all in all, I'm kinda happy with it. 

I just really wished I finished sooner.

I hope the person who sees it is happy too. ☺️

My wrist hurts. I spent two hours this morning washing and cleaning stuff. On top of the four hours of cleaning before that.

I'm too tired. I only slept three hours yesterday. I can't think. I need to lie down.  Wake me up.

 I should have slept earlier. 

The last 4 hours have been messy. The food I ordered online–spoiled. The preparation I made for it–useless. The contraption thingy I bought–broke while I was trying it out. So now, I think I have to spend my waking hours later chasing the sellers for either a return or a refund.

On top of that, I think I'm going to have a fever. I didn't even get rained on! Sleep earlier!!

We're having the kitchen drain fixed and apparently it's problem is bigger than what we initially thought. The wall is drilled and chipped and there's dust everywhere. I walked in and my sister said, "Even if this gets fixed today, it's still not done because we're having the sink replaced."

Shit. What the hell am I going to do now?

I can't bake! I can't move the oven either. And this could go on until tomorrow or even until Friday. I didn't forsee this at all..

😩

Hay.... I was looking at the photos and I was thinking, grabe talaga. Yung maselan siya sa ginagawa niya. Yung may right way pa talaga kung pano lutuin. Wala akong alam sa ganun! Wala nga akong kakilala na ganun magluto e! Karamihan dito sa Pilipinas di naman ganun kaselan. Basta luto okay na!

Nahiya naman tuloy ako. Wala akong kaalam alam. Yung itlog nga nababasag ko pa rin yung pula e! Kelangan kong magreflect... 😭

Ano nga kaya ibig sabihin nung kanina?

Andami kong nakita na nagtataka rin. Akala ko baka may isa sa kanilang may alam ng sagot pero wala rin e.

Hala! Dapat natutulog na ko eh! 

Kahapon ko pa talaga iniisip to. Nung nakita ko talaga siya:

Marunong magluto, marunong sa gawaing bahay, may initiative, siya yung nagpepresentang kumilos– ang dami nyang kayang gawin!

Hala!

E ako? Anong ambag ko? Taga-kain??

Lambing lang talaga yung kaya kong ibigay! 😭

Ni hindi man lang ako papasang world champion sa paglalambing e! 

Hala talaga! 

Kahapon pa ko nagiisip ng pwede kong pangtapat.. ala talaga. 😭

Why? Why?? Why didn't I come prepared?

 Why!?!

Ugh. I think I just made it worse.  Now it sounds weirdly cryptic. I should have thought about it more thoroughly!  But I couldn't because I couldn't arrive at a conclusion! 

I couldn't decide what the best course of action was with the right outcome.  

I could leave it as it is, but I might be shooting myself in the foot.  Or I could say something, and it might end up either misinterpreted, cause harm to a friendship, or I might actually Barbara Streissand the whole situation!

Ahhh! I should just stop thinking about it for a moment and... maybe think about it next week!

I don't know if it would change much of anything though. I already have a read on things.

^

Okay, so apparently I don't know how to spell Barbra Streisand's name! And I was thinking of the wrong theory! I mean it is somewhat similar in the sense of creating the opposite effect of what you wanted.

 So earlier today, I kept juggling both options in my mind and I really can't find the right answer.

The question is: If you noticed something about someone's friend, would you tell them?

Now this is kinda tricky for me. Because in my experience earlier in my life, the people I knew were mutual friends/acquaintances. So I didn't exactly feel weird talking about them because I did personally know them.

But now... if you noticed something about  someone else's friend, would it be crossing boundaries to talk about it especially if what I've noticed isn't the most positive thing? Since I know this person isn't really my friend and I don't know them personally. It's the kind of information that could make situations more difficult.

And I have thought about it, and the thing is, either action yields a bad outcome.

If I said something, potentially the situation could make things awkward and cause harm to the friendship. Friendships are important at whatever age. And I think it's a good thing for people to be able to keep their friendships. I'd feel shit if something negative happens to it. But if I don't say anything, the situation could escalate into something negative. Really both choices don't have a good end result and could have a negative impact.

And I've been trying to weigh both choices and I can't come up with a decent answer.

 Ay, naku, girl! Girrlllll, alam ko yung ginagawa mo! Lumang style na yan ha! 🙄

Watching you like a hawk! 🦅

It's been a difficult six months.

Self-sabotage took the progress I've made.

Let's try again. Try better.

Para sa sarili. Para sa kanya.

Napadala ko tuloy yung post na sinesave ko para sa birthday nya...

Only half a year left. Make something of it.

 Ah!!!!!!!!!!!  😭😭😭😭😭

I've lost my mind.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Well. He must be busy. He probably didn't see😬

I knew! I knew I shouldn't say that! But I still went ahead and said it anyway! Aaaaaaahhhh!

Not gonna happen again! Not gonna happen again! 😭

These hormones are terrible. I was kinda talking like a crazy person. 🤦‍♀️

I don't know why, but it's a bit stronger now than it typically is. Looking it up, it does say it can fluctuate. So hopefully it's not gonna be like this all the time. Or even next time. Because it's kinda embarassing! 

Although on the other hand, the predictability is amazing. Like I wrote here that I was going to have my period and bam! An hour later, there it was! I've never had that kind of accuracy before! It would actually be kind of useful if it was that predictable all the time. But it's the other things that go with it... 😭

And I don't know. Wouldn't it be awful? Like for a few days you'd be really.... warm?... And then it tapers down to normal level? I mean, obviously feelings are still there! But maybe I wouldn't be as forward. Would the difference be obvious? Enough to maybe wonder if something's wrong? I mean, I don't want to seem flaky.

I don't want to sound flaky! Sounding obsessed in one day, or a few days, then sounding just normal afterwards.

And now I suddenly thought we should just... and I'm giggling to myself. 🤦‍♀️😭

 These hormones are terrible! 😝

 I'm so excited! I should take a nap and calm down! 😅 hahaha!

 Other parts need some sun too!!! 

Ahahaha! 🤭

 I'm definitely, DEFINITELY, about to get my period.

It's been two hours and I'm still smiling.

I'm so fucking in love right now!

 😘Ayieeeee~~

My heart is just so full right now... 

 Ayieeeeee!!!! 😝😘😘😘

Andami ko yatang kinaing banana cue kahapon. 🥲 Kanina pa ko sa banyo! 

Naisip kong sabihin sa kanya kaso baka kumakain siya, mawalan siya ng gana.

Ahahahaha!

I've been going back and forth about this since Saturday. I still don't know what I did that made him stop coming. And my shitty memory isn't helping. Was it when I said that I noticed that he hasn't been coming as much? But that still doesn't make sense...

What the fuck did I do?

And yesterday I thought it was a fluke. I genuinely thought he'd be too busy to come. But he did come. Two consecutive days? Then again today? I couldn't believe it. It even felt strange. Because it's been so long, so now it felt unusual. I was even thinking about it last week, how dangerous it was for me. I could start to get used it. Start to feel comfortable. And start to forget. I've been so good at isolating myself from people in my life that it wouldn't be unusual for this to happen to me.

How long has it been? Over a month? Almost two months? 

So what happened? If he was too upset that he couldn't come see me, what about the times when he did come and stay? That Sunday, that Wednesday noon, that Thursday... Did he miss me?

 Mabilis magtiklop ng damit. Pwede nang magasawa!

Ahahaha!

Gusto kong ipost sa twitter! Kainis lang kasi yung mga foreigners nakikiaaway kahit hindi nila nagegets e.

 I don't want to talk. I just want to hug!! ☺️

I feel calm right now... ❤️

I was happy for the sign of life, but what does always mean? Things looked and sounded happy so I was glad because of that— and it happened around our time! But I didn't have the chance at the time to look it up. So now seeing the meaning... Does it refer to something? Should I be scared? 👀

I had been reading some posts about this viral breakup the other night and one of the headlines from that was that the cause of the breakup was 'they grew distant'.

So I was relating that line to my own circumstances. I thought that I might have been going about things the wrong way. 

If he can't come, and I match that action by not coming as well then it's like we're going in separate directions. If we continue like that, we will also grow distant and everything will fall apart. And I don't want that to happen.

I want a relationship where one steps forward when the other steps back. That kind of give and take. I still remember being upset months ago and him coming to me, not reacting in anger because I was angry. Or retaliating by icing me out. Just waiting for me. And it took a while for me to let go of my hurt feelings but when I finally did, I was grateful to him for not letting go. I think I loved him a bit more for that.

 I don't know what he's thinking. What his thoughts are.

I can only work with my own thoughts. Figure out my life.

So I'm going to focus on that. Calm down and focus on that.

Sometimes I think if circumstances were different it would have been easier. If I had been a different person. A better person. Then it would have been easier.

I had thought of it a couple of times before: Why didn't I just meet someone like him here? But I haven't even known anyone with that mix that I like– open to talk about emotions, in touch with his emotions, but not overly emotional to the point of using emotions for sympathy or using it as a shield, a penchant for stories and pretty words, but not really pedantic because I don't need a thesis or a dissertation. A person who also likes what is abstract, but with the balance to not be obsessed with it. That's what I wanted!

And maybe I was wrong in life because these are things that you could only know if you spent enough time with people. And I didn't. Even the class pervert, I didn't know he liked Gundam until years after we graduated! And honestly, it all made sense after finding that out. The few people in that school who kinda liked me also liked anime for some reason. I don't even look Japanese!

Even his hobbies and his interests... I had previously thought we had no other interests in common because I wasn't exactly a fan of his biggest hobbies. But now I keep getting surprised! He has interests that somewhat align with mine!

Why couldn't I have met someone like him here??? 

There are millions of people in this country! Why couldn't I have met someone like him here???

It's not even about his face either because sometimes his face still doesn't register in my mind. I can probably recognize Jang Wonyoung 99.9% better than him!

My thoughts are spinning. I need to clear my head.

  I chickened out. I told him to tell me if he changed his mind. Not let me linger aimlessly. Not wait for me to end things. And now I went to delete that because I got scared that HIS heart might grow tired of me asking him if he changed his mind! I'm scared of him leaving!

But what if his mind and heart left me already?

Don't, please don't! Please, please don't!

 I've considered that maybe he's training me to forget him.

Am I poisoning my mind with these thoughts?

Maybe I'm misunderstanding things. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Maybe I'm being insensitive. But something is different.

Something has changed. 

The first time this was happening I thought he was up to something. I didn't know what, but I was sure he's doing something differently. But he changed so suddenly that I'm left confused.

And some days he does things that make me feel like he's still the same, that things are still okay. I felt like we were solid. But then the next time he's different again. He's blowing hot and cold and I'm still here feeling hurt and confused. 

 He stopped wanting to care about me, I think.

Recently, I was having a hard time. I wrote things and deleted things. I had nobody to talk to. He stopped being the one I could go to.

I tried to keep it out, keep the negativity away from him but I guess I wasn't doing that great of a job. It seeps out of me. Maybe it finally bothered him that's why he stepped away from me.

Before that, I thought of a lot of things. Maybe the topics are stale. Maybe he got tired of hearing me complain. Maybe he just wanted room to breathe. 

Now, I can't go to him anymore.

I thought he was excruciatingly busy. So unable to see me. Even just for a bit. But he just didn't want to come see me.

He stopped being the one I turn to when things are hard. The one I told things to. He stopped wanting to be that person.

Now I'm here. Writing and deleting things. Is this the start of the end?

  "We must create spaces for ourselves."

Sometimes I'm fascinated when the world gives us what we need. I heard somewhere that it's kind of a trick that the mind plays. You think of something and then you're suddenly seeing or hearing things related to that. Like your mind is opening itself up to see the patterns. In the past couple of weeks, I could see it and hear it in the movies I was watching:

The bride in "Ready or Not 2: Here I Come" and her amazing fighting spirit to live– right when I was trying to get out of that slump I was in.

The movie "Send Help"– when I was thinking of backing up a little.

The line I wrote above is a quote from the movie "Forbidden Fruits." As a movie, it's not really that remarkable. As quote, it's not really that special either. It can be argued that the line in the same scene mentioning "A Room of One's Own" by Virginia Woolf is more important, but I haven't read that yet so I can't really speak about it. But this line, it was just what I needed when I first watched the movie, and I remembered it when I was going through something recently.

I haven't read that work, but my thoughts on the subject aren't dissimilar, are they? The importance of having your own space. And no, it isn't just about four walls. It's about having a place to exist in, to thrive. A place to stretch your limbs in, along with your mind. There is a kind of sadness to live in a place where in actuality you have very little control of. And it strikes a chord; a reminder to a reality that you're not supposed to be here. Even now, when circumstances have changed somewhat, and I take up more space, mentally I'm still stuck in that corner.

 Sometimes I think of him and I sneeze. Lol. I never experienced this with anyone before.

Update: he's mean to me! I know he's there but he doesn't come to see me! Mean! (≧口≦)ノ

Update to my Update: hah! I should write that down! What I prefer in men should be someone na hindi ako kayang tiisin! Someone who can't endure denying me! Because what is this? I missed him and he doesn't miss me back?????????????

Update to my Update to my Update: I actually feel better. 😐  All my upset feelings has been redirected to being upset with him. 😫 This man!!!!!!! Nakakaya nya akong tiisin? 😣

Update Part 4: hmm... what if he changed his mind and just wouldn't tell me? What if I'm being ghosted and I'm just too stubborn to notice?

Update Part 5: oh 😶

 When I was a kid, I had a neighbor that had a bucket of Legos. I would sometimes shamelessly invite myself over to play. I consistently tried to make houses. I didn't think much of it, just a preference I thought.

About a decade ago, after being exhausted with reading comments of people fighting online, I went on Pinterest and began looking at houses.  It seemed like a no-brainer at the time. Nobody really argues about houses. You love it, you hate it, people just move on. There's no back and forth arguments, no trying to win you over. Or just trying to win in general. They're just houses. Apartments. Townhouses. Villas. Interesting to look at. And calming in a way. 

And I wonder now if this was just a general attraction to these structures, because so many other people like looking at them too, or if it taps into a repressed need - a desire for space.

When I think about it, yes, I admired the design of the fancy houses, and their lightings and their layouts. But I also had a fascination for the narrow townhouses, small apartments. Spaces that could fit one. It's as if my selections were answering the question, how would I live in this space if it were mine?  

 There's something I belatedly realized from my dentist visit—

She basically told me I'd be pretty if I wore a blazer, high heels and got some highlights. (And maybe fixed my hair, overall.)

IF. Pretty only IF.

Doesn't that mean I'm not actually pretty?

I mean, take my mom for example. I've never actually heard anyone tell my mom she'd be pretty if she put on makeup or dressed better. And my mom has had some very questionable outfits..

So yeah, if someone is truly pretty, the clothes, the styling the hair, could definitely take away some of the beauty but the features will still shine through.

I don't even look half as pretty as she did at my age!

Damn! Well, at least I got to delude myself that I was pretty for a good two weeks. 😆

 So I figured I'll be understanding... but I saw it happen again yesterday and I really don't get it.

Why? That's it. Why?

And I wasn't even gonna stay long!

And it's like being a cat— they just come in for some affection/attention, and then leave, and then they don't want anything to do with you anymore because they're done!

Okay... maybe from my dentist visit it shows I may have a bit of a problem leaving... but still!

 It's okay. Everything's okay. ❤️☺️ 

 I was upset yesterday. Because I was in a good mood. 

Teeth fixing went well! Did a tiny bit of grocery shopping so all the walking was giving me some happy energy. Came home to find out my mother made my favorite dish! Which I can seldom eat now because it can give me a stomachache. Took a shower, went to take a nap, and woke up without a bit of stomachache! Woohoo! Had something to eat while finishing a movie I started on Thursday after midnight. 

I was feeling good! So good, I was kinda having fuzzy feelings. So I was going to send him a nice Good Morning message and then I had the metaphorical door shut on my face.

I was offended! It was like I had the plague! One moment he was there and then it was like he immediately regretted being there so he was immediately gone! So I was upset. My warm, fuzzy feelings vanished.

On the bright side, I didn't chip a tooth. It was one of the fillings that got chipped, not part of my original tooth. Although the dentist kept saying how big the original damage was. Ugh. Really. I had not realized how easy it was to damage teeth as you get older. 

So here was the thing: I was the last patient. Which meant she had ample time to chat. When I sat down to pay, she started chatting. And I had forgotten that she knows bits and pieces of information about us so she starts wth, "You're not an engineer, are you?"

Ah, shit. Here we go.

I said no, I didn't take the licensure exam. She asked why. I said I was depressed at the time. And as much as I hate to admit it, these questions do get to me. But then she hits me with a surprisingly different question, "How does that feel?" 

How the hell do I answer that question? I'm totally unprepared. I try to stammer an answer.

And she goes, "I heard that people who are depressed feel down."

I want to explain that it's not as simple as that. And I basically just end up muttering something about suicidal ideation.

She asked me, "Meron kang boyfriend?"

I just assumed she was asking if I had a boyfriend at the time when I was depressed and decided to stay home. So I said no.

And she loudly says, "That's why you're depressed!"

Lol! Ahahahaha!

She asked, "Why didn't you get married?"

I tried to crack a joke and said 'I thought my sister was going to get married so I thought it's fine, I don't have to get married..'

And she immediately goes, "But at least your sister had a boyfriend!" Lol! Then followed it up with, "Why didn't you get one?"

I'm grasping for an answer to a bit of a weird question. So I just said, "I don't... want to go out?" And she gave a hearty laugh! And we shared laughter over this joke of me staying at home waiting for someone to come knocking.

Then she says, "Here's what you I want you to do! You should get an office job, something that makes you dress up in a blazer (and makes this gesture of tightening the waist or something), wear high heels, socialize, and you'll get one!"

And she said "You should get married! It's a waste not to when you're pretty!"

I can't remember how many times she said I was pretty. It kinda feels like one of those things that people say because they think you'd like it? In my 20's, when I went to a hospital for a consultation, at the triage I was asked for the purpose of my visit. I said depression. And the ladies that were assisting me said, "You're so pretty! What can you be depressed about?" 

So our dentist keeps repeating that I'm pretty. And at first I said a quiet thank you, a laugh, but she keeps saying it again and again! So I'm thinking, Okay, not the reaction she was expecting!

So I try a different tactic: When she said again that I was pretty I replied with a quiet "...no.."

Big mistake! She replied even more enthusiastically saying, "No, you really are pretty! You just need–"

Looks at my clothes with a disappointed expression

 "a blazer–"

Then she looks at my hair with an even worse expression

"highlights–"

"And high heels, and you'll surely meet someone!"

Ahahahaha! She keeps saying I'm pretty when her face looks like it's crossing from disappointed to disgusted!

She's got it all figured out! According to her I just need a blazer, cinch it, get some highlights, wear high heels and

I'll be married in no time! So funny!

She tells me I should go out and make friends with people who were more outgoing. People who would inspire me. I think inspire was the word she used? I totally get it. I actually thought of it. But an idea doesn't always translate to reality.

Sometimes I've toyed with the idea of creating things too, meet creative people to figure out the process, but I'm not really that creative. And I'm older and that makes it harder to enter groups. 

I did mention that my friends aren't married either and she implies I should make friends with people who are actively going out to date.

So I didn't tell her that I sometimes joke with my sister that I want to make friends with people who are about to get married! She might think I'm secretly desperate! Hahaha! I just wanted to be invited to again to a wedding. But as a guest. I just want a reason to dress up, eat, ogle the venue then go home! That's the goal! 😆 But I guess I still need some preparation for that one. Like actually figure out how to decently do my makeup. And actually fit into a nice dress. Ha..

In the end, my introverted ass was silently screaming for help! I did not know how to leave this conversation! I sat down to talk so I won't be rude but I think that may have been mistake number 1. And I think she was also looking for an exit to this conversation.

She starts to say that when my sister is there, they talk and laugh for so long. I guess she's making a subtle jab that I'm severely lacking in the conversation department. She goes on to say how my sister talks about her goals and dreams and all sorts of things, how smart my sister is...

See? That's how I know she's lying to me when she said I was pretty! Hahahaha!

But really, my sister is an extrovert who is eager to prove herself to others. My dreams, goals, thoughts? If I didn't initiate the conversation then I'm not inclined to share them.

And sometimes even if I want to answer something, the answer isn't one simple line, that's neat and easy to digest.

How could I have answered what it's like being depressed?

How could I explain how disconnected I felt? Or that I walked underneath a shroud, a shadow, under a pretty blue sky? Or how often I had seen this window I outside my classroom, of the benches that was placed beneath, and I think to myself, how it would be like? To take one step up, and another, and through that open window, while I look at clouds above?

There was a parade that was passing outside and she stood up. Finally! My cue to leave! So I was finally able to escape...

Now, I was thinking about it and... I don't know what her criteria is for being pretty. I mean... the way she was talking about it, a person who hasn't seen my face might think I can win a beauty pageant. Absolutely not! I can't even be internet pretty. Not even the prettiest in a room. And 99.9% of my photos tell me that I'm hideous. But I guess I can be an average kind of pretty? Say a person walks through the streets, I won't stand out but I'm not that bad either? That kind of thing?

But that's the thing. I was sitting outside the mall's open area earlier watching the people passing by, and I think about baselines. Or what is commonly average. What is common average pretty to people? In an ordinary place, filled with ordinary folks, what is considered as the most average pretty face would be vastly different in a place frequented by rich people, or influencers. Or him. What is an average pretty face for someone like him? In a place where treatments are plenty, and in his job where expectations are different? 

Well... I've been called a lot of names. I've even been called a grandma, AND a grandpa. I think that one was due to the nose. But to my credit, no person in real life has ever actually called me ugly. So I guess I have that going for me.

But now that I've said it, I've probably jinxed it. Shit.

 I slept late and set my alarm to wake me up at a later time. But I had been waking up at our usual times: sometime past 8, 9, 9:30, 10...

Our times.

Been like this for a couple days now. It's odd what your body remembers. But if it keeps up like this will I forget? Him? 

Will he forget me?

I checked. I wasn't hoping to run into him but I'm still disappointed.

 Sometimes you have to be at the bottom before you can get up.

I'm not exactly at the bottom. Far from it. But it does feel like I'm being humbled, kicked down by a series of mishaps, an unlucky streak since last week.

I thought of going out on Sunday of last week. I had thought a change of scenery would help get me out of this rut. Even if it's somewhere close. 

I originally thought of going early but I woke up with a headache and had to leave so late in the day.

My sister had suggested a store with a cheap but good drink. I went there. Got yelled at on the way there by a driver because I was four feet away from the pedestrian lane. Yeah...I was. I own up to it. But! His vehicle was also blocking half the pedestrian lane!

I got to the store, and this was on the opposite corner of the commercial center from where I arrived so it was a bit of a walk. It was closed. Damn.

Hung out at the open area of the mall, without a drink, no energy to get one. Could have sat forever in one place but had to move because I kept finding myself in other people's backgrounds while they were taking photos.

I didn't want to go home empty handed so to speak. So I went to the grocery store which was about to close at that moment. So I quickly picked up a bunch of green beans. I thought I'd pay the exact amount so I can be gone in a minute. I even said not to bother bagging it, i can just put it in my bag. Quick, right? Just needed to wait for my receipt. Which wouldn't print out. The cashier had to call somebody over, restart the machine, call the guard for permission for me to leave without a receipt. Almost ten minutes for the whole thing. So much for leaving quickly. 😑

I ordered an item from an online shop. Waited two days only for them to cancel. No explanation. Not too bad. Very common.

I ordered an item with a supposedly free hair oil. They sent a sheet mask instead. I contacted the seller and they just said 'sorry for the inconvenience it's oos.' I said shouldn't you replace your ad? They thank me. Yeah, they're still advertising with the non-existent hair oil. And I looked at their past reviews and they had a history of complaints for non-existent advertised free included items. 

I ordered a pack of nine hair clips the week before, two came broken. Complained and got a discount voucher to reorder. Bought another pack last week. Another two clips broken. 😑 Now I'm wondering if I'd look like a scammer if I complained further. Maybe I was the one getting scammed. 😑😑

And overall they're not so bad, right?

Until this Sunday night. I broke a tooth. While flossing.

Flossing is supposed to be a good thing! For your teeth's health! 😑

I went on Monday to get my tooth fixed. I was so fixated on how unfortunate it was to break my teeth while flossing–I'd like to keep all of them as long as I can! But then while I was thinking this... the train stopped at the station and everybody went out. The guard was telling me to get out. I was confused, until I realized I rode the train going in the wrong direction! 

After finally getting back on the train, in the right direction and getting off the right station, I thought I'd check that store again. I was finally able to buy that drink! Crossed the street and was on my way towards the grocery store. My sister messaged me telling me to get drinks for them. I thought I'd wait for her follow-up message on what to get then buy the other drinks before I drank mine. I waited on the street, in the heat. Her text didn't come until 15 minutes later. My drink had melted.

And I thought that was it for my unlucky streak.

Truthfully, after last week I thought I was feeling like I was finally getting out of the slump that I had been in for months. Being out more often–the change of scenery–even if it involved just doing errands, helped. 

But then my series of mishaps continued.

I bought a pack of arugula seeds last week. I spilled almost half of it trying to take a video for the product review while planting them. Only one sprouted today. I'm not even sure yet though. It may be a weed.

I took half an iron tablet the other day because I was about to get my period. I got a stomachache that I had to lie down. With half a tablet! 

And last night, I had a different tooth chip. Wtf.

My period didn't even come. Stress, maybe?

And lastly... I actually already wrote about this the other day. But I guess it failed to post properly. (-_-;)

I know this one doesn't qualify for an unlucky streak..

Having a metaphorical door shut on my face for a few weeks.

I guess it finally got to me. It hurt. Maybe because I didn't know why. I cried a few times for two days until it happened again the other morning and... It was so sudden. I wasn't even going to stay long. Just ask how they've been. I was happy, just going to ask how they've been.

 I'm so stupid... I said I'd be quick but I started crying and forgot to tag him so I took longer. Shit.

How many tears does it take to tire a heart?

 Why am I being bombarded by kissing posts???

Just stop!!! 😭

I was so stressed this last couple of weeks that I didn't even notice that my period was coming. In the last few months, I've noticed I'd be feeling...extra sweet...a bit more in love 😅.. in the couple of days before it happens. But this time, no. I guess I was feeling so bad that even the hormones wasn't strong enough to fight it.

But now? Ugh! Stop it with the kissing posts!

I miss my baby so badly...

 I figured out why I've been oversleeping. It's going on for a while now and I've simply chalked it up to stubborness. And sometimes, anxiety. But lately, I've been feeling like I want to throw everything away. To isolate. To close my social media. Just silence. I don't even want to hear myself.

I'm on the edge of another depressive episode.

No wonder it wouldn't go away. No wonder I've been feeling like I can't quite pull myself together. It's because this is new. It's never been like this before. Like something that simmers, never reaching the boiling point. No flurry of bubbles that overflows. So there's no end, no release. Just the quiet simmering feeling that something isn't quite right. 

I don't even think that it's possible to become even more isolated. :) 

I could close all my socials and it won't make a difference. Except for one. And if I'm silent, I might lose that. So I try to keep it together for a bit, enough to make space for my person. Even on the days that it's uncomfortable. Even when I don't feel like it. Let it simmer. 

I said I wanted to start again. But I didn't know where to start.  I started this year with plenty of anxiety, while being beset with memories of the past year. For those months, I had to deal with anger, pain, and loss.

For the rest of the year, I didn't know what to do with myself.

The time that I had in those first few months left it's mark on me. Something happened, so deeply personal, that it was almost as if I was being told, "Go live your life."

For the rest of the year, it was like a door was closing on a chapter of my life. I felt odd at times, on edge, but I couldn't make any significant change. Nothing changed magically. Nothing drastically transformed. With me. I tried and I was immensely disappointed. 

Still, I couldn't help but feel think of how things happened.

In late 2018, I had this thought, "After seven years I'd step back out." Last year was the seventh year.

And something has changed recently. 

It wasn't something completely new. It's something that grew quietly and steadily. Something beautiful that unexpectedly grew.

It's a good time to mark the beginning of something new. Not a chapter, but rather something that feels unconstrained, vast, and hopeful.

Start again.