Did I ruin everything? Throw everything away in a moment? Lost something precious?

This is probably some karma. Some type of punishment.

Because I was struggling to change and felt some relief when the new year came in. Karma because I had the audacity to think that I was spending a huge part of my day thinking about him, what to tell him, what to show him. So he's being taken away from me.

I had been so good all this time, done so well to keep it together, hold the negative thoughts at bay.

My singular thought at the time was simple: I wanted to take care of his heart. 

So I tried to keep the negativity in mine from touching him.

But it kept getting harder and harder as things progressed. Reality gets harder to ignore. How can you be good enough for someone surrounded by too many special people?

 I just wanted my mind assured.

Talk for minute. 

Is that too much to ask?

 I feel so small.

 I'm facing a painful reality check...

How different our lives are!

Is this the furthest that this can go?

Is it too impossible to just be able to know if you came in?

Say "I'm here."

 I figured out why I've been oversleeping. It's going on for a while now and I've simply chalked it up to stubborness. And sometimes, anxiety. But lately, I've been feeling like I want to throw everything away. To isolate. To close my social media. Just silence. I don't even want to hear myself.

I'm on the edge of another depressive episode.

No wonder it wouldn't go away. No wonder I've been feeling like I can't quite pull myself together. It's because this is new. It's never been like this before. Like something that simmers, never reaching the boiling point. No flurry of bubbles that overflows. So there's no end, no release. Just the quiet simmering feeling that something isn't quite right. 

I don't even think that it's possible to become even more isolated. :) 

I could close all my socials and it won't make a difference. Except for one. And if I'm silent, I might lose that. So I try to keep it together for a bit, enough to make space for my person. Even on the days that it's uncomfortable. Even when I don't feel like it. Let it simmer. 

I said I wanted to start again. But I didn't know where to start.  I started this year with plenty of anxiety, while being beset with memories of the past year. For those months, I had to deal with anger, pain, and loss.

For the rest of the year, I didn't know what to do with myself.

The time that I had in those first few months left it's mark on me. Something happened, so deeply personal, that it was almost as if I was being told, "Go live your life."

For the rest of the year, it was like a door was closing on a chapter of my life. I felt odd at times, on edge, but I couldn't make any significant change. Nothing changed magically. Nothing drastically transformed. With me. I tried and I was immensely disappointed. 

Still, I couldn't help but feel think of how things happened.

In late 2018, I had this thought, "After seven years I'd step back out." Last year was the seventh year.

And something has changed recently. 

It wasn't something completely new. It's something that grew quietly and steadily. Something beautiful that unexpectedly grew.

It's a good time to mark the beginning of something new. Not a chapter, but rather something that feels unconstrained, vast, and hopeful.

Start again.

 I want to start again.