"We must create spaces for ourselves."

 There's something I belatedly realized from my dentist visit—

She basically told me I'd be pretty if I wore a blazer, high heels and got some highlights. (And maybe fixed my hair, overall.)

IF. Pretty only IF.

Doesn't that mean I'm not actually pretty?

I mean, take my mom for example. I've never actually heard anyone tell my mom she'd be pretty if she put on makeup or dressed better. And my mom has had some very questionable outfits..

So yeah, if someone is truly pretty, the clothes, the styling the hair, could definitely take away some of the beauty but the features will still shine through.

I don't even look half as pretty as she did at my age!

Damn! Well, at least I got to delude myself that I was pretty for a good two weeks. 😆

 So I figured I'll be understanding... but I saw it happen again yesterday and I really don't get it.

Why? That's it. Why?

And I wasn't even gonna stay long!

And it's like being a cat— they just come in for some affection/attention, and then leave, and then they don't want anything to do with you anymore because they're done!

Okay... maybe from my dentist visit it shows I may have a bit of a problem leaving... but still!

 It's okay. Everything's okay. ❤️☺️ 

 I was upset yesterday. Because I was in a good mood. 

Teeth fixing went well! Did a tiny bit of grocery shopping so all the walking was giving me some happy energy. Came home to find out my mother made my favorite dish! Which I can seldom eat now because it can give me a stomachache. Took a shower, went to take a nap, and woke up without a bit of stomachache! Woohoo! Had something to eat while finishing a movie I started on Thursday after midnight. 

I was feeling good! So good, I was kinda having fuzzy feelings. So I was going to send him a nice Good Morning message and then I had the metaphorical door shut on my face.

I was offended! It was like I had the plague! One moment he was there and then it was like he immediately regretted being there so he was immediately gone! So I was upset. My warm, fuzzy feelings vanished.

On the bright side, I didn't chip a tooth. It was one of the fillings that got chipped, not part of my original tooth. Although the dentist kept saying how big the original damage was. Ugh. Really. I had not realized how easy it was to damage teeth as you get older. 

So here was the thing: I was the last patient. Which meant she had ample time to chat. When I sat down to pay, she started chatting. And I had forgotten that she knows bits and pieces of information about us so she starts wth, "You're not an engineer, are you?"

Ah, shit. Here we go.

I said no, I didn't take the licensure exam. She asked why. I said I was depressed at the time. And as much as I hate to admit it, these questions do get to me. But then she hits me with a surprisingly different question, "How does that feel?" 

How the hell do I answer that question? I'm totally unprepared. I try to stammer an answer.

And she goes, "I heard that people who are depressed feel down."

I want to explain that it's not as simple as that. And I basically just end up muttering something about suicidal ideation.

She asked me, "Meron kang boyfriend?"

I just assumed she was asking if I had a boyfriend at the time when I was depressed and decided to stay home. So I said no.

And she loudly says, "That's why you're depressed!"

Lol! Ahahahaha!

She asked, "Why didn't you get married?"

I tried to crack a joke and said 'I thought my sister was going to get married so I thought it's fine, I don't have to get married..'

And she immediately goes, "But at least your sister had a boyfriend!" Lol! Then followed it up with, "Why didn't you get one?"

I'm grasping for an answer to a bit of a weird question. So I just said, "I don't... want to go out?" And she gave a hearty laugh! And we shared laughter over this joke of me staying at home waiting for someone to come knocking.

Then she says, "Here's what you I want you to do! You should get an office job, something that makes you dress up in a blazer (and makes this gesture of tightening the waist or something), wear high heels, socialize, and you'll get one!"

And she said "You should get married! It's a waste not to when you're pretty!"

I can't remember how many times she said I was pretty. It kinda feels like one of those things that people say because they think you'd like it? In my 20's, when I went to a hospital for a consultation, at the triage I was asked for the purpose of my visit. I said depression. And the ladies that were assisting me said, "You're so pretty! What can you be depressed about?" 

So our dentist keeps repeating that I'm pretty. And at first I said a quiet thank you, a laugh, but she keeps saying it again and again! So I'm thinking, Okay, not the reaction she was expecting!

So I try a different tactic: When she said again that I was pretty I replied with a quiet "...no.."

Big mistake! She replied even more enthusiastically saying, "No, you really are pretty! You just need–"

Looks at my clothes with a disappointed expression

 "a blazer–"

Then she looks at my hair with an even worse expression

"highlights–"

"And high heels, and you'll surely meet someone!"

Ahahahaha! She keeps saying I'm pretty when her face looks like it's crossing from disappointed to disgusted!

She's got it all figured out! According to her I just need a blazer, cinch it, get some highlights, wear high heels and

I'll be married in no time! So funny!

She tells me I should go out and make friends with people who were more outgoing. People who would inspire me. I think inspire was the word she used? I totally get it. I actually thought of it. But an idea doesn't always translate to reality.

Sometimes I've toyed with the idea of creating things too, meet creative people to figure out the process, but I'm not really that creative. And I'm older and that makes it harder to enter groups. 

I did mention that my friends aren't married either and she implies I should make friends with people who are actively going out to date.

So I didn't tell her that I sometimes joke with my sister that I want to make friends with people who are about to get married! She might think I'm secretly desperate! Hahaha! I just wanted to be invited to again to a wedding. But as a guest. I just want a reason to dress up, eat, ogle the venue then go home! That's the goal! 😆 But I guess I still need some preparation for that one. Like actually figure out how to decently do my makeup. And actually fit into a nice dress. Ha..

In the end, my introverted ass was silently screaming for help! I did not know how to leave this conversation! I sat down to talk so I won't be rude but I think that may have been mistake number 1. And I think she was also looking for an exit to this conversation.

She starts to say that when my sister is there, they talk and laugh for so long. I guess she's making a subtle jab that I'm severely lacking in the conversation department. She goes on to say how my sister talks about her goals and dreams and all sorts of things, how smart my sister is...

See? That's how I know she's lying to me when she said I was pretty! Hahahaha!

But really, my sister is an extrovert who is eager to prove herself to others. My dreams, goals, thoughts? If I didn't initiate the conversation then I'm not inclined to share them.

And sometimes even if I want to answer something, the answer isn't one simple line, that's neat and easy to digest.

How could I have answered what it's like being depressed?

How could I explain how disconnected I felt? Or that I walked underneath a shroud, a shadow, under a pretty blue sky? Or how often I had seen this window I outside my classroom, of the benches that was placed beneath, and I think to myself, how it would be like? To take one step up, and another, and through that open window, while I look at clouds above?

There was a parade that was passing outside and she stood up. Finally! My cue to leave! So I was finally able to escape...

Now, I was thinking about it and... I don't know what her criteria is for being pretty. I mean... the way she was talking about it, a person who hasn't seen my face might think I can win a beauty pageant. Absolutely not! I can't even be internet pretty. Not even the prettiest in a room. And 99.9% of my photos tell me that I'm hideous. But I guess I can be an average kind of pretty? Say a person walks through the streets, I won't stand out but I'm not that bad either? That kind of thing?

But that's the thing. I was sitting outside the mall's open area earlier watching the people passing by, and I think about baselines. Or what is commonly average. What is common average pretty to people? In an ordinary place, filled with ordinary folks, what is considered as the most average pretty face would be vastly different in a place frequented by rich people, or influencers. Or him. What is an average pretty face for someone like him? In a place where treatments are plenty, and in his job where expectations are different? 

Well... I've been called a lot of names. I've even been called a grandma, AND a grandpa. I think that one was due to the nose. But to my credit, no person in real life has ever actually called me ugly. So I guess I have that going for me.

But now that I've said it, I've probably jinxed it. Shit.

 I slept late and set my alarm to wake me up at a later time. But I had been waking up at our usual times: sometime past 8, 9, 9:30, 10...

Our times.

Been like this for a couple days now. It's odd what your body remembers. But if it keeps up like this will I forget? Him? 

Will he forget me?

I checked. I wasn't hoping to run into him but I'm still disappointed.

 Sometimes you have to be at the bottom before you can get up.

I'm not exactly at the bottom. Far from it. But it does feel like I'm being humbled, kicked down by a series of mishaps, an unlucky streak since last week.

I thought of going out on Sunday of last week. I had thought a change of scenery would help get me out of this rut. Even if it's somewhere close. 

I originally thought of going early but I woke up with a headache and had to leave so late in the day.

My sister had suggested a store with a cheap but good drink. I went there. Got yelled at on the way there by a driver because I was four feet away from the pedestrian lane. Yeah...I was. I own up to it. But! His vehicle was also blocking half the pedestrian lane!

I got to the store, and this was on the opposite corner of the commercial center from where I arrived so it was a bit of a walk. It was closed. Damn.

Hung out at the open area of the mall, without a drink, no energy to get one. Could have sat forever in one place but had to move because I kept finding myself in other people's backgrounds while they were taking photos.

I didn't want to go home empty handed so to speak. So I went to the grocery store which was about to close at that moment. So I quickly picked up a bunch of green beans. I thought I'd pay the exact amount so I can be gone in a minute. I even said not to bother bagging it, i can just put it in my bag. Quick, right? Just needed to wait for my receipt. Which wouldn't print out. The cashier had to call somebody over, restart the machine, call the guard for permission for me to leave without a receipt. Almost ten minutes for the whole thing. So much for leaving quickly. 😑

I ordered an item from an online shop. Waited two days only for them to cancel. No explanation. Not too bad. Very common.

I ordered an item with a supposedly free hair oil. They sent a sheet mask instead. I contacted the seller and they just said 'sorry for the inconvenience it's oos.' I said shouldn't you replace your ad? They thank me. Yeah, they're still advertising with the non-existent hair oil. And I looked at their past reviews and they had a history of complaints for non-existent advertised free included items. 

I ordered a pack of nine hair clips the week before, two came broken. Complained and got a discount voucher to reorder. Bought another pack last week. Another two clips broken. 😑 Now I'm wondering if I'd look like a scammer if I complained further. Maybe I was the one getting scammed. 😑😑

And overall they're not so bad, right?

Until this Sunday night. I broke a tooth. While flossing.

Flossing is supposed to be a good thing! For your teeth's health! 😑

I went on Monday to get my tooth fixed. I was so fixated on how unfortunate it was to break my teeth while flossing–I'd like to keep all of them as long as I can! But then while I was thinking this... the train stopped at the station and everybody went out. The guard was telling me to get out. I was confused, until I realized I rode the train going in the wrong direction! 

After finally getting back on the train, in the right direction and getting off the right station, I thought I'd check that store again. I was finally able to buy that drink! Crossed the street and was on my way towards the grocery store. My sister messaged me telling me to get drinks for them. I thought I'd wait for her follow-up message on what to get then buy the other drinks before I drank mine. I waited on the street, in the heat. Her text didn't come until 15 minutes later. My drink had melted.

And I thought that was it for my unlucky streak.

Truthfully, after last week I thought I was feeling like I was finally getting out of the slump that I had been in for months. Being out more often–the change of scenery–even if it involved just doing errands, helped. 

But then my series of mishaps continued.

I bought a pack of arugula seeds last week. I spilled almost half of it trying to take a video for the product review while planting them. Only one sprouted today. I'm not even sure yet though. It may be a weed.

I took half an iron tablet the other day because I was about to get my period. I got a stomachache that I had to lie down. With half a tablet! 

And last night, I had a different tooth chip. Wtf.

My period didn't even come. Stress, maybe?

And lastly... I actually already wrote about this the other day. But I guess it failed to post properly. (-_-;)

I know this one doesn't qualify for an unlucky streak..

Having a metaphorical door shut on my face for a few weeks.

I guess it finally got to me. It hurt. Maybe because I didn't know why. I cried a few times for two days until it happened again the other morning and... It was so sudden. I wasn't even going to stay long. Just ask how they've been. I was happy, just going to ask how they've been.

 I'm so stupid... I said I'd be quick but I started crying and forgot to tag him so I took longer. Shit.

How many tears does it take to tire a heart?

 Why am I being bombarded by kissing posts???

Just stop!!! 😭

I was so stressed this last couple of weeks that I didn't even notice that my period was coming. In the last few months, I've noticed I'd be feeling...extra sweet...a bit more in love 😅.. in the couple of days before it happens. But this time, no. I guess I was feeling so bad that even the hormones wasn't strong enough to fight it.

But now? Ugh! Stop it with the kissing posts!

I miss my baby so badly...

 I figured out why I've been oversleeping. It's going on for a while now and I've simply chalked it up to stubborness. And sometimes, anxiety. But lately, I've been feeling like I want to throw everything away. To isolate. To close my social media. Just silence. I don't even want to hear myself.

I'm on the edge of another depressive episode.

No wonder it wouldn't go away. No wonder I've been feeling like I can't quite pull myself together. It's because this is new. It's never been like this before. Like something that simmers, never reaching the boiling point. No flurry of bubbles that overflows. So there's no end, no release. Just the quiet simmering feeling that something isn't quite right. 

I don't even think that it's possible to become even more isolated. :) 

I could close all my socials and it won't make a difference. Except for one. And if I'm silent, I might lose that. So I try to keep it together for a bit, enough to make space for my person. Even on the days that it's uncomfortable. Even when I don't feel like it. Let it simmer. 

I said I wanted to start again. But I didn't know where to start.  I started this year with plenty of anxiety, while being beset with memories of the past year. For those months, I had to deal with anger, pain, and loss.

For the rest of the year, I didn't know what to do with myself.

The time that I had in those first few months left it's mark on me. Something happened, so deeply personal, that it was almost as if I was being told, "Go live your life."

For the rest of the year, it was like a door was closing on a chapter of my life. I felt odd at times, on edge, but I couldn't make any significant change. Nothing changed magically. Nothing drastically transformed. With me. I tried and I was immensely disappointed. 

Still, I couldn't help but feel think of how things happened.

In late 2018, I had this thought, "After seven years I'd step back out." Last year was the seventh year.

And something has changed recently. 

It wasn't something completely new. It's something that grew quietly and steadily. Something beautiful that unexpectedly grew.

It's a good time to mark the beginning of something new. Not a chapter, but rather something that feels unconstrained, vast, and hopeful.

Start again.