This man! Just made me chuckle!

And I had been thinking about things while I was out. I thought about what I wanted to say. I said I wanted to explain things but I think the combination of hitting my head and seeing him come in that one time softened me. Now I don't know what to say. It was easier when I was angry. I had a thousand words running in my mind, eager to get out. But now..

I felt like I don't have a right to demand anything. What am I going to say? Ask him to set boundaries? I'm not even sure I want to say anything, because I see his friendships as valuable and I don't want him to lose it. And I thought what if things don't end up well? That I'm not what he expected? Not even close to what he wants, what he needs. Not what people think is good enough for him. Then he's going to need someone, someone who's determined enough to get him, someone people would approve of. 

And then lately the news has got me thinking. It made me want to ask, "Are you afraid of me?" 

And honestly? I would understand why. He should be. I'm afraid for him. 

I'm scared everything will be a disappointment for him. I'm scared how things will turn out.

Then I come home to this. After what I said?

😸 Ha... this man... 

How can I stay away? ☺️

I spent so much time here that I feel like I'm cowering in a corner. I can't even tweet to air out my frustration because I might draw attention to myself so I'm keeping it all in. Now I'm stuck here, shouting to the void.

Seriously? Am I the only one who sees what's going on? I even saw the video again, and it's there, plain as day and yet no one said anything about it! 

Pero nung isang kagabi, nagkamali rin ako na binanggit ko yung kay Sister at yung hari. But I already said it, I couldn't change it. It was on my mind because of all the things I was reading so I couldn't help mention it. 

Kasi naman! I really thought in the beginning that Sister was a lot more reserved. Kahit nung nanghiram siya ng shades, or kahit tinutulungan siya ng hari, you could see that there are boundaries between them. But then when girlll and man were doing the photos with the flowers dun sa breakwater, I saw her standing there staring. And I had a hunch. Did Sister notice what girllll was doing? Either she noticed what she was up to or she was just thinking of posing with hari. Either way I think she noticed what girllll was doing. I think she knew. How could she not? She's all giggly and stuff but I think she's quite receptive and smart.

So when she started the massage I was taken aback but at the same time I wasn't as surprised. I think she took the cue from girlll to take the initiative. I mean, in theory, it would sound like a dream becoming a reality right? Yung dalawang couple nagkatuluyan. Mababaliw lahat ng tao. News of the century.

Naisip ko rin, may negative reaction ba ako na nagatttempt siya sa hari? Inisip ko talaga ha. Wala. Hindi ako concerned. Hahaha!

^

Omg! Somebody on Reddit clocked her! Sabi first part pa lang daw napansin na niya na medyo clingy si Sister while the king was maintaining distance! At may nag agree! Somebody said yung hari looked uncomfortable. So ang tanong: bakit walang nakapansin kay girllll na ganito rin? Bakit pag nung hinawakan ni girlll yung balikat walang nakapansin?? Bakit ako lang? 

Obvious reason, magandang image. Nobody wants to say anything because malalagot sila sa mga tagatanggol. Tingnan mo si pretty boy Tea Silver Excellence, ganyan din. Akala mo walang hater pero nung nagkaissue nagdagsaan mga negative comments.

Style talaga nya establishing connection through physical contact. Nung una kong nakita na pinunas yung pintura? Ay wow, pumaparaan para makahipo ha? At very aggressive kasi halos sa body na yun e. Bakit di sa sleeves di ba? Or bakit di nya sa likod nya ginawa katulad ng sa hari? May purpose talaga e. Breaking boundaries through physical touch, creating hooks, getting under the skin.

One more thing I notice that I briefly mentioned, nung tumakbo si girllll, she was running into him. Which I found odd. I even thought I was overreacting.  But nung sina sister yung nanalo, si sister had her hands up to clap— sister was expecting to clap hands! Nung nanalo yung isa, si girllll was running into him, her arms weren't up to clap. Sa tingin ko ang expected nya he'd hug her pero ang ending e she ran into him instead kaya yung hand nya nasa chest nung isa.

^

I did find one pic where somebody said she stamped him, left her mark as if to claim him. Pero I think that was said in jest and not an actual serious observation. I did think about the possibility that this was a common thing people do. Maybe I was overreacting, or I'm wrong. I have to consider the possibility that I could be wrong. Although even if it was a trend, the placement is still a bit sus for me.

^

Okay. I looked it up. Most people didn't. Only a few people had marks. That's what I thought. That it was done intentionally for him. Doing it to the others was an afterthought. Could I be wrong and it was just a whimsical idea? Well, if it was a singular event, I could have thought so too. But after so many things? No.

Pati nga yung idea na kailangan magdiet kasi ang affair daw di pwedeng kiss lang, parang wow ha. Sa mga ganyang kwento yung kabit ang kadalasang may eksenang ganyan, hindi yung asawa. Napaisip tuloy ako na, ano yan? Gusto mo ng chance na magkaroon ng mas matinding physical contact? Baka mas effective? Sabi nga nung isang follower e, diretsong nakatingin si girllll sa guy nung sinabi niya yun. Minsan talaga iniisip ko kung narerealize kaya ng followers na yung akala nila nakakatawa lang e may meaning pala...

I just wanted to explain everything.

It only seemed fair.

But I can't even get my thoughts in order. 

I just started crying.

It's so stupid! Why do I keep crying??

Just thinking about it and in 2 seconds I'm crying!

I don't want to say anything to restrict him. It feels wrong. It feels like it isn't my place. And I genuinely want him to have a good time with friends.

But at the same time, why does it feel like a goodbye? 

Because she seems to be the type who's determined to get her way. The type that gets what she wants. She might try, and try, and try, until she wins. If he goes, will he still be same?

 My days are getting lost to sleep. I just took some hours long nap because my head hurts a bit. 

Lately I've been feeling the front part of head, above the eyebrows, from time to time. It's not really that painful, like on a scale of 1-10 it's about a 1 to 2. It comes and goes away. It's been like this since I hit my head.

But this afternoon, I didn't have that. Instead I could feel the part of my head that was hit. Like it's a 2 and somewhat stuffy. So I decided to put ice on it. And when I did the pain suddenly increased to a 5! I put the ice on there for a while and I was starting to get a little woozy. So I took a very long nap. 🫤

I still don't get what hitting my head meant though. Was I thinking the right way or the wrong way? 

Nagkasalisihan na nanaman kami. Hayyyy....

Minsan may kirot din sa puso pag ganun e. Baka naghintay siya, baka nainip siya. Gusto kong yakapin para mag-sorry! 

It did cross my mind to greet him in the morning even before I slept, but I went to bed at 7am. And I only slept two hours on Sunday morning because I couldn't sleep then. So today... yeah, it was impossible for me to wake up earlier. 

But he came at our time. 🥺 Gusto kong halikan para magsorry!!! 

Hayyy.... 

 I missed you.

I understand that when she pointed where she wants him to go without uttering a word, and he did it, it was part of the fun of the whole thing. I understand that a lot of things are said in jest, said like a joke. To liven things up. To be funny. To entertain.

I know what other people say. That's part of how things are, I get it.

More than what people say, more than what she does, what hurts the most is what he does. Seeing how important she is to him that he can't even say no. That a single word from her makes him comply. 

I was happy to post Totoro. To remind myself of the things that have happened, the things he did, the things he does. To remind myself that everything, everything, is real. And the love I know is there.

But it's been hard to accept that I am at the bottom rung of importance. I pleaded, I begged, I waited...

I'm just struggling to accept that I have very little importance.

I've only just realized that it's Saturday.

I've cried everyday for almost two weeks.

I'm tired...

There's this other person whose comment I saw before. I didn't pay attention to it.

Because I tried to see it as something normal and natural between close friends. Something casual you don't even think about in the moment.

And I know people point out the things they see, the things they thought it meant, and I just try to think 🤷‍♀️.

Even when I saw the comment on the translator's post, I didn't think of it as big deal. It happens all the time anyway.

But something different caught my eye.

I didn't even see what she was talking about before. 

I looked her up and there's more. Things even I didn't notice.

For this tweet she posted two photos from two different situations that serve as proof that this isn't a one-time thing. It suggests that this is something she commonly does.

Hooks. Creating connections.

Well... at least I can say I'm not crazy. It wasn't even me who noticed it. How many of these things happen?

 

I was looking to catch up on stuff on twitter. 

I wasn't even searching for Fake Person but I came across her again. This piece of shit is really hell bent on convincing everyone that there's something going on between her idol and the man she belittled months ago. Fake Person left this comment on another person's tweet and had people agreeing with her. 

But there's video you can see. 

Maybe it can be interpreted differently but even people are confused by what they see...

"Instantly obeys her everytime"

....

Yeah, their relationship is so close and it feels wrong to interfere with that.... 

 

I feel cold..

I feel okay, I think. I got tired and woozy again this afternoon so I went to take a nap. The nap took hours! 😄

I feel okay. But I also kinda don't feel like doing anything. I woke up more than an hour ago and was doomscrolling twitter. My feed is full of transparent art from the Japanese side. I thought about looking through the older tweets to find things to talk about and I ended up finding something again that made me stop:

I do understand that it's supposed to be for fun. To liven things up. I do know that. But... when the other person is serious, just waiting for the opportunity for things to get deeper...

I'm on 2% battery and scrolling Twitter in the dark. I should probably get out of the room. There's pork sinigang out there though... 😊

 I woke up. Lol.

I kinda wondered if I would. 😅 So far, my head feels fine. I don't feel woozy. I can feel the part that got hit but other than that, I don't feel anything. I was only concerned for my eyesight because my eyesight is already bad, but it seems just as bad as before. Hehe~

Anyway, I didn't die today, so that's nice...

I feel a little off, like I'm a bit out of balance. I hit my head at the back, top-left part of my head but I could feel something on the side and front part of my head. It's like I'm going to have a headache even though nothing hurts. I don't taste blood but it's like I would almost taste blood. My head was hit before where I tasted blood in my mouth. This isn't like that but it feels close.

And my nose is stuffy even though it's clear. Is this what it feels like to have a nosebleed? But there's no blood...

When I first hit my head I put a bit of ice on it for 15 mins. I thought it was enough. But hours later my head felt... stuffy. Like something is swelling. So I put ice on the place that was hit and it actually hurt! That bump actually hurt! I tried to put ice on it for about 40 minutes and I was a bit more woozy afterwards. But the swelling feeling slowly went away. I wasn't dizzy but it felt like being on an elevator stopping on a floor. 

Now it kinda feels better. Still out of balance but the bump doesn't hurt and there's no swelling sensation. I had thought of staying up late longer just in case it's actually serious. But I feel so sleepy now....

^

It's been an hour. 🫩 I tried to lie down earlier but it felt weird. So I sat back up and doomscrolled Twitter instead. But now I really am sleepy...

Just like that, my heart sank...

I thought we agreed that's the last time we cried? 

It still stings to think about— the difference. I plead, the other just says a word. And it makes me question myself if I'm still doing the right thing. Am I burning myself?

I thought we agreed that you'd continue without holding back?  

I did.  But maybe, just don't humiliate yourself further by imagining showing up? I did think about it early on, about how I could manage to go, if I could attend. But now... It just feels like I'm going to humiliate myself by putting a face to the words. 

And I was crying and lost in thought that I hit my head while walking under the stairs and now I feel slightly out of balance.

I don't know if getting hit on the head meant that I was right or if God was hitting me on the head for having stupid thoughts.

 Just like that, my heart sank...

I thought we agreed that's the last time we cried? 

Looking at the numbers, how many people thought the same thing?

Yeah, Fake Person helped spread this narrative. I saw her tweets getting reposted on Instagram. But they point to the video as evidence that it is true. And plenty of girls see the same thing and arrive at the same conclusion. Even if they saw this with other people involved the conclusion would be the same. Girls really do think what they saw happening meant that there's something more going on there.

And that's something Fake Person is gloating about.

 

And I was right with this one too: this person is so smug now and proud of herself thinking that because a man has fallen head over heels over her idol then by association she's above the other people as well. That other people can't say anything to her now because the man is completely under her idol.

The Samsung Health app wanted an update last week so I did. It suggested reverting to this new layout or something so I said sure, why not?

New layout or cards or whatever looked nice!

But it wouldn't open!

@$@$#^#&!!! Everytime I wanted to open anything the whole app just crashed! I tried everyway I could think of to open it— no go. In the end I had no choice but to reinstall.

And I had been trying to get better at tracking my periods and symptoms and now, all of that data is gone! 

But..

I kinda felt it. I started writing this post the other day thinking, 'I think my period is getting close' and then several hours later it was here.

And the thing is, I thought it was close because I noticed a shift in feelings. I was feeling less inclined to refuse to see him even though I was still upset. And I was thinking about him more even when I was at the grocery store on Monday.

But that's stupid like am I now supposed to guess when my future periods will come based on how much I think about wanting to hold him? Like if I think about it five times then I might need to buy a pad? 🤣

How long is this supposed to last? Months? Years?? 😶

 

Today is a good day! 

Two years ago, it rained so hard that I wondered if it was raining in another part of the world too. I sent this, like sharing an umbrella to someone special. I had no idea what was happening about an hour after I did. The power went out and I was completely surprised when I finally found out what happened. And even when I heard about it, I didn't even fully realize what it meant then! Honestly, I'm not even sure if I understood what was said. 

I sent an umbrella that day...

Something wonderful came back to me. ❤️

 This is the last time we cry about it, okay?

I remembered what was said about the coffee, "we have it every morning" and I wondered if that was an error or the exact thing that was said. And if it was....

"We". Did it mean together? A routine done together?

Does it matter to even think about it? I'm tired of crying everyday. 

I waited for two months. I pleaded and held my breath while all it took for someone else is a look and a word. It's hard to think about what that meant, of where I stood, of what I meant to him.

I've contemplated telling myself to hold back, to stop giving my all but then I remembered what day tomorrow is, what it meant, and all that was done and said. If I hold back, am I saying that all of that is for nothing?

Love is what we choose to give other people, not a reflection of what we get. It's a conclusion I came to while contemplating about other people's circumstances. What we give other people will not reflect what we will get in return. We choose to give, we choose to take away. We receive nothing, we can choose to walk away.

I choose love. 

I can't deny that I'm shaken. The pain is still there. The questions still remain. My sadness runs deep. And I feel pathetic. I can't help but feel cautious: I'm going to get hurt, am I?

But when he came for me, he still managed to make me feel hopeful that everything will be okay...

I saw that he was there...

He's probably off work, unwinding. I was going to the grocery store with my sister but I stayed there for a bit.

I stayed just because I missed him. 

Earlier today I had thought of coming back to X, to see what's up, have something to talk about...

But a one second scroll and the first thing I see is a post from Fake Person. 

I was so livid. "Defending you"? You belittled him and likened him to an animal months ago. You never "defended him". You've been doing the opposite trying to spread the narrative that he's obsessed over your idol. You put him down and now you want to tell everyone he's obsessed with her because you know he's good! Fake piece of shit!

I've considered blocking this piece of shit but I feel it's more important to make sure nobody I know actually follows her. And I see what she's up to and she's been at it:

The last line. I've seen her write that before and I had ignored it. Now I'm thinking I think she's using that last line to imply they're good at hiding their relationship.

"That's how she gets him every time."  Fake person is implying her idol got him wrapped around her finger by just looking at him with puppy eyes. 

"He follows her around and do everything she asks of him."

......

And I had to beg him to come! Two months. I'm laughing at how pathetic I am and crying at the same time.

I fell asleep and woke back up at past 5am. So here I am trying to make sense of things, trying to pick out the right words...

It's futile. All the things that I was upset about, the things I felt wrong, the tears shed, all of it, is pointless. Because there is no problem unless it's their problem. Nothing is wrong unless it's wrong for them. So if they can't see what bothers you, does it even exist in the first place?

I thought about it so much. I wanted him to keep his friendships. I don't want him to feel awkward, weird or restricted around his friends. I considered not saying anything at all even if it felt wrong. But it felt heavy like a burden. Then I ended up saying a little bit after all. Maybe I should have left it alone.

Let them decide freely, make their choices without interference. And if she succeeds and gets under his skin, gets what she wants? Then that's his choice to make too.

If she succeeds, I would have to disappear.

Maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way. I have to be realistic. What if he sees me and realizes I'm an ugly potato? 

He would still need somebody. She can probably be the homemaker that he wanted, and everything else on that list. And she's a better fit in his life, his work, his friends...

There's not one path, one scenario, in all of this that I come out unscathed. In every possible outcome, I'm either the villain or the wounded. I'm either the villain that ruins the dynamic of his friendships or the collateral damage, an outsider, caught up in someone else's budding love story. 

Do I sound like I'm giving him away? I'm not. Where do I stand with him? Where am I? If I'm not at the forefront of his mind, then where am I?

I was so happy before this.....

 I was finally able to sleep! I was tossing and turning... i felt like I was going to have a fever!

I wasn't planning to wake up at this time. But I kept waking— 6, 6:50, 7:30, 8, 8:45... I still feel tired. And drained. 

^ I just came back from checking in.

I became acutely aware of the futility of what I've been doing. I saw some clips and reality just hit me:  He probably doesn't even think anything was wrong.

I was going to say 'he probably doesn't think anything was bad' but I remember his reaction. He knew it was bad, but it was fun, so he did it anyway. Did he think anything was wrong when I told him I'll follow his lead? Probably not.

All is right in his world.

Yeah, maybe I'm the only one with a problem with it. I'm the only one torn up. So let's try to make this the last time we cry about it, okay? It's futile. It doesn't affect anyone but you.

Betrayal of Consideration

There's this post that was talked about recently from Twitter, to Reddit, to Youtube:

I feel for this woman, I really do. I got sad the first time I read this.

I showed this to my sister and my sister was like 'they're not like our dad, when somebody sold him something (somebody sold him Avon stuff when we were young) he gave it to us.' And I literally stared at my sister.

I was like, No. Our father brought me to a store to buy a popular toy for a potential client's kid.  A game n watch. A toy I wanted for myself too. A toy my parents repeatedly told me wasn't for me before we even went there. 

My parents actually sat me down for dinner and my mother gave this serious talk about what I was supposed to do and to know that we weren't buying it for me. Told me we couldn't afford it, it was just for my father's job: he's giving a gift to the potential client's kid so the client would buy a machine from him. He just wanted me to pick out the best one, the one that was popular with the kids my age. I understood.

I was like a dog in the treat aisle, lol. I did my 'job' and I think the kid liked my pick. He got the sale. I guess they pitied me afterwards and they got me a way cheaper off brand stuff. I liked it at first then I was embarrassed of it, honestly. I felt like it would have been better if they didn't give it to me. Because it didn't feel like a reward either.  Classmates gave a 'disappointed' look when it wasn't the 'right' game. And I had to carry the guilt of my parents spending the money for it even though I understood that we couldn't afford it and I never asked for it. 

And it's not the first time something like this happened either, lol. I once wrote here about my rabbit toy and it's more or less the same thing.

So yeah, I got sad after reading this woman's post because I could empathize with her.  I truly do. Even more upsetting that her husband dismisses it as mere 'jealously'. That's what my parents thought too. It's not.

If you're not at the forefront of your someone's mind, then where are you? 

It was as if it's because you no longer needed to be won over. The husband didn't need to impress her anymore. He got her locked down, at home, taking care of the house, the kids, his clothes. She's not going anywhere. He doesn't feel the need to give her the best of everything, because she'll make do with anything, whatever anything he'll give her. Even if that meant giving her nothing.

Her love made her disposable.

I bet if he wasn't at the forefront of her mind, he'd notice. They tend not to notice until it happens to them. And he'd argue it wasn't silly jealousy either.

 After seeing everything... Why does it look like they're right after all?

With her he's like a puppy. She whines for him to sit and he struggles to resist her command, while I pleaded for him to come back and waited for two months. I cried-laughed at the thought of it.

Was he enjoying all of this dynamic? Does he like it? When she's ordering him around? 

I remember what it was like. Remembering finding out that that person was crushing on a specific Japanese idol, and I was left in shock. I had zero feelings left, that wasn't the issue. The idol looked like the girl he had a crush on before me. I was stunned. All those times when he treated me poorly and I wondered why. I knew something was wrong, I could feel it. And then years later, I realized it was because of that. I wasn't what he wanted. He just "wanted" me because I was there! The hurt I felt.. 

Is this a repeat performance? Same name, same year, same problem?

I told that person before, why don't you pursue this person or that person instead? And he told me I was throwing him away. I didn't know it at that time, but I was also making a choice, a choice he couldn't make on his own. I was insecure and felt uncertainty. He didn't really love me, but stuck around because he wanted to have someone. Now looking back, it did seem like I was pushing him away. Even though what I wanted was just reassurance.

Am I doing it again now? No. I'm not pushing him away. I don't want to. I had been so sure of him but he planted uncertainty in my mind and the fear that it will be like that again...

Maybe there's something there. Something he wanted to pursue but didn't. I don't know. Something unresolved. 

I don't want that. I will never want to play second to anyone like that again. I will never want to be someone's placeholder. I will hate myself more if I found myself again in that position and I will hate anyone who will make me hate myself. I would disappear in a heartbeat. 

I know I have nothing to show for. Not as young, or pretty, or accomplished. Even so, I'd like to keep my dignity.

I'm not that unreasonable.

I could consider the possibility that I am wrong. That maybe I made a big deal of things.

So... because I am a woman of science, I understand that there are things that are better understood in practice. Maybe I am missing a fundamental layer in understanding the circumstances.

First written on Sunday but I held it in drafts. Some things changed since then though:

I am just so pissed off at this fangirl on Twitter because I distinctinctly remember that she unnecessarily talked shit about him months ago. 

He has this one obsessed fan on twitter that would pop up and talk shit about the women he works with or are associated with him. A truly successful ragebaiter. It's embarrassing because this person gives other fans of his a bad impression. But so far, nobody really attacks him for because of this crazy fan. Except for this girl's fangirl.

Obsessed fan said something bad about this fangirl's idol. And fangirl flipped her shit. But instead of this fangirl just attacking the obsessed fan, she talked shit about him as well. She actually compared him to an animal. 

None of his own fans can come defend him because obsessed fan started it. Worse part is, if anybody defended him this fangirl could spin the narrative that this fans are taking obsessed fan's side and agreeing with what she said. She could also spin the narrative that his fans are toxic and ganging up on her idol. So none was said in his defense.

But she did try to backpedal, knowing what she said was awful, and she said that he is her favorite.

Favorite but then she likened him to an animal? What a fucking fake person.

One of her posts passed my timeline. I don't follow her or look her up. But because she mentioned the latest work, and of course the woman and the man's name, her own post got visibility for anyone searching the show.

Fake Person posted: 

And I can't help but roll my eyes. It's so obvious that she wants to imply that she thinks that there's something going on but now she's embarking on a fishing expidition to have other people validate and say it for her.

And somebody replies:

Notable part of this other person's reply was that she mentioned "older role model" and "brother-father-cousin".

And Fake Person was like Nope.

I knew it. I called it even when I saw her first tweet. Somebody mentioned a brotherly/fatherly vibe and she rejected it. Because that's not what she wants to hear. What she wants is for people to say that he's a lovesick puppy for her.

Another person comes in and finally says what she wants to say.

Because of course she can't say it herself. She doesn't want to be a "shipper". She scoffs at the brother-sister dynamic others have pointed out. Clearly, even at the beginning she didn't think they had a brother sister dynamic, why can't she just say so in the first place? Of course she can't say it herself. She doesn't want to be a shipper.

Instead of shipping, where both parties can be on equal terms of liking each other, she wants it to seem that he's chasing her. Because if men are falling head over heels over her idol, then her idol is a great person, and then she can feel satisfied with herself that she's a fan of such a great person. It's like greatness by association.

And it isn't that just disgusting? Just months ago this Fake Person was looking down on him, likening him to an animal, and now she wants him to be lovestruck over her idol.

Fucking Fake piece of shit. If you didn't think he was good enough for you to respect him then why want him to be paired with your idol?

And the way she paints it "she walks away" like he's the one chasing her and initiating things with her— I could name multiple instances where she is the one initiating. Including the ones fake person mentioned. She wants to paint it as if he's the one waiting on her? I could see that she's the one who started it.

But obviously Fake Person would deny that. Because it doesn't elevate her idol's status to chase a man. Because it's looked down upon if a woman makes the first move on a man. But a woman is seen as precious if she's got men falling all over her.

I missed him. Suddenly at 3am, I missed him.

My sister showed me a video of a podcast host reading a message from a woman terminally ill with cancer. She had months to live. But she won't tell her husband or her kids so they could go through their grand, multi-week European vacation without worry.

And I thought of him. And I thought if either of us did this, would we be mad at the other? And I thought about me being angry. Am I wasting time by being angry? 

But then it made me angrier. Because that meant I have to suck up every hurt feeling. That meant I have to bite my tongue and turn a blind eye to everything I see is wrong. So now it feels like a burden. A burden that I am forced to bear alone.

The more I thought of it, the angrier I became.

Because why? Why did I have to be okay with this? Even if it felt wrong? Why?

So I don't ruin the mood? So I don't make it awkward? So I won't be labeled as the weird person trying to 'stop' others from 'having fun.'

So I have to smile and pretend I'm okay with it even though it didn't sit right with me. So I won't be the "bad" person.

It felt like a subjugation of self. A suppression.

And you know what? 

I remember the look on his face as he said it. He knew it was bad but he did it anyway. 

I love him. But I'm not okay with it. 

I could feel my anger building, and I could not say anything more than good night.

I could not decide on a path to take. 

And for a while, I thought I could just ignore it. I was thinking that if I said something it would only bring more focus to it. 

What if I said something and because of that he ends up acting awkwardly around them and their camaraderie gets ruined?

What if I said something and he loses his friendships?

And I really don't want that. I could see his friendships keep him happy and I want him to have that.

And this was the problem. I didn't want to be the person to cause drama.

But at the same time, if I leave it alone, what if she succeeds to get under his skin? What if he isn't aware and becomes more and more open to her advances? I think I wouldn't have been bothered so much if she flirted up-front and direct like everybody else, or practiced as much restraint like everybody else. It's the difference between dying in a battlefield and drinking poison at a banquet. 

I thought of telling him. Like a warning.

What if I say something and he denies what's happening, or dismisses it?

What if I say something and I'm just seen as the person ruining the mood?

What if my words are simply dismissed as being emotional or jealous? I would hate that.

And the more I thought about possibilities, of choices and outcomes, the angrier I got.

Why should I be the one to bite my tongue and keep silent so they can keep having fun?

Why should I be the one to speak up and point it out?

More than what she's doing, more than what he said, I was angry because I felt like the choices and outcomes were falling on my shoulder:

Why do I have to choose between him having his fun friendships or having someone come between us? 

Why am I expected to see something as funny when it doesn't feel right to me? 

Why do I have to give up my own sense of self  to become "understanding" and "unproblematic"?

Why am I expected to set aside my own feelings and burn myself so others can have fun?

Why does it fall unto me to decide which way to go? To tell him and risk ruining his friendships and their good mood? To not tell him, and risk losing him anyway? 

Why is this burden suddenly mine?

 Ay naku, girl, hindi ako tumagal sa all-girls school nang walang natututunan. Alam ko na yung mga style na yan

Eto lang talaga

Siyempre importante ang friends. So ayoko mawala friends nya. Basta boundaries at awareness lang.

Sa girls din naman merong ganyan. Umaaligid, nakaabang. Pero as long as yung tao mismo iniisip nya na walang mangyayari kasi hindi ko papayagan na may mangyari e di mostly okay lang. As long as yung boundaries intact. Yung hindi hahayaang makalapit ng husto yung isa. Yung emotional and physical boundaries are never crossed.

But yung emotional boundaries tricky e. Kasi some people in denial na may crossing of emotional boundaries.

Natawa siya nung nakamakeup... baka mamaya pag nakita niya ako matawa siya dahil mukha akong kamote.

^And I wrote that days ago and things changed.

I could have bit my tongue and said it was okay as long as it was never reciprocated. But hearing him say that? Did he just plant a seed of doubt? What if I'm I just in the way? Should I step aside? 

Hmm.. Come to think of it. She'll probably be better at taking care of him. She has a great career, can cook, is charming, very pretty, and very actively showing that he can look after him very well. I can't even care for myself, and seriously doubt I can step up well enough to do it for someone else. 

It's not comparison, it's acknowledgement of someone's strengths. Whatever opinion I may have of someone, it doesn't make me blind to everything. 

The only thing I have is... me. There's only one me.

Two years ago there was this hoodie drama on Tiktok. It's even on Stephanie Soo's youtube channel. The short summary of the context goes like this:

Girl A was doing a video saying she's no longer friends with her best friend who she lives with, Girl B.

Girl A has a boyfriend. Girl B is single.

And one time Girl B borrows a hoodie from Girl A's boyfriend, because it was cold. 

But Girl B takes two weeks to return it.

Then Girl B texts Girl A's boyfriend to tell him to pick up a sandwich she made for him. It's like a thank you gift for the sandwich. She she basically wants the boyfriend to make a stop at her house before the boyfriend goes to work.

Oh shit. I remembered I also used to give my sandwich to my ex before we started dating.

 I'm just getting so progressively angry.

You know what? I actually liked her.

Nung una ko siyang makita gustong gusto ko siya. I liked looking at her bright, happy face siguro kasi hindi ako ganun. At that time, gusto kong napapanood yung mga masayang tao. Binida ko pa nga siya sa kapatid ko, tuwang-tuwa ako tapos ayaw ni ate. Hahaha!

Kaya siya yung una kong sinearch. Sa kanya talaga ako unang interesado, even more than the boys. 

Tapos yung mga posts na nakita ko... may chismis sa ex niya. Sabi ko, e ano naman, tapos na e. Tapos sumunod naman yung picture na pinost niya, first picture pa. Dineny naman na may malisya. Sabi ko naman, e baka natuwa lang kasi siyempre sobrang sikat na ng tandem nila e. Baka nga minasama lang nga mga tao. Pero yung ibang posts...sabi ko, bakit ganun? 

Yung isa sabi kung papipiliin siya dun sa mga lalaking nakatrabaho nya para irecommend sa friend niya sinong pipiliin niya? Hindi niya pinili yung obvious na choice, pinili nya yung isa. Sabi pa yun yung 'real deal'. Napaisip ako. Bakit hindi mo irecommend yung dati mong katandem? I mean, obvious naman na siya yung best sa pagpipilian sa prospective relationships. Bigla kong naalala yung mga schoolmates ko. Yung sa mean girls ng high school, yung di nila ibibigay yung best candidate sa friends nila. Ganun yung sumagi sa isip ko.

Tapos second post, galing daw Sports Chosun.

Sabi nya she's not a pro in dating because she's never confessed. Ehh? That's such a weird thing to say. Nakita ko yung ilang comments na supposedly galing sa original article sabi ng isa 'ang ibig sabihin nga nun pro ka sa dating kasi nga napaconfess mo yung iba' sabi pa ng isa 'humblebrag'. 

Napaisip ako dun. Kasi parang, kinatutuwa mo yon? It kinda left a bad taste in my mouth and I told myself I'll stop looking things up so I won't get a bad impression. I didn't want my perception of her to change.

Then I saw the video.

Oh. Okay... The thing is nobody said anything ever about the video. It's like, am I the only one who noticed? Probably. Because she played it off like she's falling. In my country where the commute is harrowing and falling is a common sight, that's not how a person falls. Because when they have virtually nothing to sit on, the entire concentration goes on trying to stay upright and then people try to catch themselves when they fall. Or grab the closest thing they can hold onto. She 'fell' and the first thing she does is rub his arm then look at him. She 'fell' and slid lid her hand down his arm then looked at him. Who actually falls like that? 

A...hah.. Yeah, I saw that. He didn't.

Akala ko over the years she's moved on. But no, seeing what I saw, she's still trying. And I have never seen anyone both so coy and so aggressive at the same time.

The wearing of clothes...that's a pretty common thing. Done by girlfriends. And it made me think, is that what she's trying to do? Trying to signal that she's 'girlfriend'? And I also heard that she wore somebody else's jacket recently. Mabaliw-baliw followers nya kakahanap kung kanino yung jacket. See, even other girls know the borrowing of clothes 'mean' something.

I know at times it's casual. Hindi naman ako OA para pagbintangan lahat. Gaya nung nanghiram ng glasses si Sister mula sa Hari. Casual lang. Mukhang walang malisya. 

And sometimes it does seem na yung actions nya rin walang malisya. Or is it? Because there's so many things. If it's one thing, I would dismiss it. Maybe even two. Or three. But multiple things all at once? First part palang nakita ko na antics nya. Girlllll.... Kaya nga sabi ko aggressive e. Tingnan mo si sister, hindi ganyan. Sweet din naman si sister pero may clear distance at boundaries kahit close and casual din. 

It's like there's an intentional creation of connections. It's a series of suggestions, like creating hooks in ones mind. 

Is it normal to flirt? Yeah. Do people flirt with multiple people at the same time? Also yeah. It's common for people to have more than one "prospect" when they're single. It's like gambling. People place their bets on multiple slots hoping that one would succeed. But again, the difference is that most people flirt front and center. Even if you don't see them approach, you can remember the time when they did. Their flirting, in that sense, is direct, front and center. She flirts sideways. Where there's so much plausible deniability that can be made, yet she can establish a place in the other person's mind. The other person might not even know how it happened afterwards. I have never seen anything like it before. 

Like a said, it's a series of suggestions. Even yung suggestion ng travel. Is it a good idea? Yeah! I liked the idea too! Sobra! I commend her for that. But I was weirded out by the reasoning: gusto nya makita ng iba yung chemistry. Naging suspicious ako. Kasi baka mamaya mali ako at culturally normal para sa kanila na sabihin to. But at the same time, I remembered the wedding picture posted. The wearing of clothes. It's not just a suggestion to the other person but a suggestion to other people 'See? We look good together.' She wants to be seen as 'girlfriend'. And that's also a way of persuading the other person, by making others see it and acknowledge it. Especially men who are more easily influenced by their peers about who they should be in a relationship with. It's like, 'So and so thought we look good together, that's funny, but don't you agree?'

And I don't know if others notice it. Pero nakita ko na nung naglalagay ng pagkain si Girlll, and si Hari naglagay din. Does King know? Does he notice it? Parang mas sensitive si Hari sa mga ganitong bagay.  I mean, di rin naman ako sigurado. Kasi culturally uso sa kanina nagpapakain ng ibang tao di ba? Pero yan on top of everything else... the way she asked permission to eat, the clothes, the exchanging of food, the rushing outside to feed food, telling him to come for sunscreen (you could have handed him the bottle), the food on his hand, rushing towards him nung nanalo sya (were you expecting you'd get a hug). There's so much there all at once.

Bottomline is: she's trying to make him confess.

That's it. Because she could have flirted upfront like most people, tell him she likes him or whatever but that's not what she wants. She wants that feeling of being special, that power, that comes from being confessed to. And that is supported by her own revelation that she wants to be babied, and the weird way of saying she isn't a pro at dating because she never confessed. Could also be why ang laki ng age gap nila ng ex nya. People tend to naturally fall into gender and age roles. Lalo na pa sa bayan nila na mas malakas yung connection ng age and heirarchy roles, mas mataas yung chance na ma-spoil sya at maging special siya pag malaki yung gap.

That's why she goes through the extra effort and that's why it's so aggressive. Because the agenda is to be obvious enough not to be doubted that she's open to receive love, but discreet enough that she can deny she's sending signals so you'd have to be the person to bring it up. 

Those early posts finally made sense. They fit a puzzle, and I can see the pattern.

 I finally fell asleep and woke up at our time.

I didn't go. But I thought, 

How ingrained he is in my mind...

 I'm agitated and I can't sleep. 

My shimmer migraine yesterday was so bad, I thought going to sleep would make it go away. A piercing headache made me wake up instead!

At least it's almost gone now. I hate shimmer migraines. It's been a long time since I had one. But I still can't figure out what triggers it. Stress? Could be. 

 "Even now"

When the I heard the news I was stunned. I think I spaced out for at least 30 minutes before the thoughts came running through my head. 

I thought I had time. Time to fix myself. Time to change. Then eventually come at my own time. Then suddenly this. I had so many thoughts coming to my head. Anong mukha ihaharap ko? I was afraid to disappoint. So many thoughts. I had to force myself to stop thinking about it because I had something more important to attend to.

And I didn't want to ruin the happy mood. My happy mood.

But after the day has passed and all was done, the news slowly started creeping back in my mind. I know that I would eventually have to face it. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't have the answer. 

But then seeing everything. Reading what was said. Hearing what was said,

"Even now"

And at first I thought it was fine. I even tried to joke about it even when it felt wrong. Maybe I'm used to suppressing things. My immediate thought was to refuse to acknowledge what I instinctively felt as wrong. But the more I thought of it... all those vulnerable feelings of anxiety, fear and feeling sorry was replaced... I felt cold. 

It is wrong. I'm good with my assessments; this is not a mere emotional response. And for it to be said in front of the other person?

Am I just supposed to accept this? If the roles were reversed, would it be accepted as well? Am I expected to just accept this? Is that how it's going to be? 

 I'm not in a jovial mood today.

I was browsing and came upon a convo yhat got me annoyed. And it's a topic that I've successfully avoided for a week so I could focus on the important things, but now seeing it talked about again brought it back up in my mind.

On top of that, what was said...

I knew it was said in jest. Keeping the mood light and all. I didn't even mind. But what struck me was the hesitation. Knew it sounded bad when it was said but did it anyway. Okay. No big deal. But then looking at it while I was typing...is there something there? What are the chances it's a hang-up? 

Hm. I avoided the other topic as soon as it dropped. Mentally I'm avoiding to acknowledge it because I was happy. Is this going to make the decision easier? 

 What???? 🫢

☺️

I just wanted to celebrate this day.

I made a car.  

My whole idea had been: sports car driving down the coastline/beach.

That's not my personal fantasy, okay? Haha! But I wanted to give that.

This is the closest I'll ever get to being able to afford giving someone their dream car. 😅

I was so fascinated with people making fondant cakes on Instagram because they made it look so easy. It's not. Absolutely not. Hahaha!

First of all, it needed to be kneaded. That rhymes! Anyway, when I went to sleep yesterday after hours of cleaning, my wrist hurt. But when I woke up my arms were trembling. Both my arms hurt! I couldn't even lift my phone high up. How could I knead the fondant? I ended up waiting for the pain to subside which resulted in me falling asleep.

That's my regret. 

If I was able to make this earlier, I could have finished earlier. I saw the last post but I decided to finish first what I was doing. I should have come in.

But what I really should have done is made this earlier. Like days earlier. And I would have except that we had unforeseen circumstances. We had someone come in to fix our kitchen drain and install a sink. Well, the person said he needed to break the cement. It was a sudden, unexpected decision and there was no time to pack away anything. So every thing in the house got covered in a thick layer of dust. Everything, every spoon, fork, and plate, everything. Clearly, baking was not an option.

Well, I thought the point was to make a car. So at 8:40pm, I went out to go to the grocery store to buy those cake bars. The taste wasn't the issue. Putting them together and trying to create a shape was because there was nothing holding them together. I thought of using the jar of premade frosting that I had bought. But when I opened it, it had gone bad.

This had been my back-up plan. While I did plan to make this car in the first place with gumpaste, I was skeptical when I saw how hard the gumpaste I had was. Google said to mix it with fondant. So I ordered one but the fondant wasn't here yet the other day. I had never tried it before. But after seeing that the frosting had gone bad, I had no other option I could use other than this.

I actually didn't think it would be so hard to form! 😭 

I swear, I wasn't like this as a grade school student working with clay! I couldn't make this as smooth as I wanted. On top of that, the entire thing was sagging!  I didn't know fondant, or at least this fondant that I bought plus the gumpaste, was so soft it wasn't holding up well. I had to prop up the whole thing on cracker sandwiches to make room for the wheel. And everything underneath it started sagging. It sagged so much my sister said my car had a flat! 😑

And additionally, I was rushing things so badly that the result was bumpy. I was way in over my head! 🥲

I only had less than an hour left before I started painting it with food color and water. I'm pretty sure that's not how it's supposed to be done but that's how I did it. 😅

And it came out badly. Really badly at first. All the bumps became even more ridiculously obvious. I had also actually planned to make "soil" from crushed graham, but again, no time left. That was supposed to be the road the car is on. Instead some edible silver got on the cake board and at first I thought it looked a bit okay so I smeared a few on the other side of the board. But in pictures, the silver on the board doesn't shine and it just looked like dirt! Hahaha!

It wasn't the best looking thing the moment I finished it. But after a couple of hours the colors had melted together and it looked kinda like glazed ceramic. Pretty cool, actually.

So all in all, I'm kinda happy with it. 

I just really wished I finished sooner.

I hope the person who sees it is happy too. ☺️

My wrist hurts. I spent two hours this morning washing and cleaning stuff. On top of the four hours of cleaning before that.

I'm too tired. I only slept three hours yesterday. I can't think. I need to lie down.  Wake me up.

 I should have slept earlier. 

The last 4 hours have been messy. The food I ordered online–spoiled. The preparation I made for it–useless. The contraption thingy I bought–broke while I was trying it out. So now, I think I have to spend my waking hours later chasing the sellers for either a return or a refund.

On top of that, I think I'm going to have a fever. I didn't even get rained on! Sleep earlier!!

We're having the kitchen drain fixed and apparently it's problem is bigger than what we initially thought. The wall is drilled and chipped and there's dust everywhere. I walked in and my sister said, "Even if this gets fixed today, it's still not done because we're having the sink replaced."

Shit. What the hell am I going to do now?

I can't bake! I can't move the oven either. And this could go on until tomorrow or even until Friday. I didn't forsee this at all..

😩

Hay.... I was looking at the photos and I was thinking, grabe talaga. Yung maselan siya sa ginagawa niya. Yung may right way pa talaga kung pano lutuin. Wala akong alam sa ganun! Wala nga akong kakilala na ganun magluto e! Karamihan dito sa Pilipinas di naman ganun kaselan. Basta luto okay na!

Nahiya naman tuloy ako. Wala akong kaalam alam. Yung itlog nga nababasag ko pa rin yung pula e! Kelangan kong magreflect... 😭

Ano nga kaya ibig sabihin nung kanina?

Andami kong nakita na nagtataka rin. Akala ko baka may isa sa kanilang may alam ng sagot pero wala rin e.

Hala! Dapat natutulog na ko eh! 

Kahapon ko pa talaga iniisip to. Nung nakita ko talaga siya:

Marunong magluto, marunong sa gawaing bahay, may initiative, siya yung nagpepresentang kumilos– ang dami nyang kayang gawin!

Hala!

E ako? Anong ambag ko? Taga-kain??

Lambing lang talaga yung kaya kong ibigay! 😭

Ni hindi man lang ako papasang world champion sa paglalambing e! 

Hala talaga! 

Kahapon pa ko nagiisip ng pwede kong pangtapat.. ala talaga. 😭

Why? Why?? Why didn't I come prepared?

 Why!?!

Ugh. I think I just made it worse.  Now it sounds weirdly cryptic. I should have thought about it more thoroughly!  But I couldn't because I couldn't arrive at a conclusion! 

I couldn't decide what the best course of action was with the right outcome.  

I could leave it as it is, but I might be shooting myself in the foot.  Or I could say something, and it might end up either misinterpreted, cause harm to a friendship, or I might actually Barbara Streissand the whole situation!

Ahhh! I should just stop thinking about it for a moment and... maybe think about it next week!

I don't know if it would change much of anything though. I already have a read on things.

^

Okay, so apparently I don't know how to spell Barbra Streisand's name! And I was thinking of the wrong theory! I mean it is somewhat similar in the sense of creating the opposite effect of what you wanted.

 So earlier today, I kept juggling both options in my mind and I really can't find the right answer.

The question is: If you noticed something about someone's friend, would you tell them?

Now this is kinda tricky for me. Because in my experience earlier in my life, the people I knew were mutual friends/acquaintances. So I didn't exactly feel weird talking about them because I did personally know them.

But now... if you noticed something about  someone else's friend, would it be crossing boundaries to talk about it especially if what I've noticed isn't the most positive thing? Since I know this person isn't really my friend and I don't know them personally. It's the kind of information that could make situations more difficult.

And I have thought about it, and the thing is, either action yields a bad outcome.

If I said something, potentially the situation could make things awkward and cause harm to the friendship. Friendships are important at whatever age. And I think it's a good thing for people to be able to keep their friendships. I'd feel shit if something negative happens to it. But if I don't say anything, the situation could escalate into something negative. Really both choices don't have a good end result and could have a negative impact.

And I've been trying to weigh both choices and I can't come up with a decent answer.

 Ay, naku, girl! Girrlllll, alam ko yung ginagawa mo! Lumang style na yan ha! 🙄

Watching you like a hawk! 🦅

It's been a difficult six months.

Self-sabotage took the progress I've made.

Let's try again. Try better.

Para sa sarili. Para sa kanya.

Napadala ko tuloy yung post na sinesave ko para sa birthday nya...

Only half a year left. Make something of it.