I can see my mother pursing her lips. She's angry listening to what I'm saying. Today, I don't care. They make plans that affect me without asking. Or telling me before the plan was already decided upon. I don't know why I even exist here in the first place.
Perhaps they'll argue that it wasn't "decided" upon yet, but that's only because they mostly don't plan things. They decide on the larger stuff such as cost or materials but then don't really think about the smaller but still important things. Until it's there and it's endless complaints and bickering.
My sister says to let my mother finish, because I'm talking like a bullet train, just ploughing straight through and talking about everything that's on my mind. And honestly? I do that because it's a habit formed in a household that historically barely listens to me. So when I get the chance to be actually heard for something important I have to spill everything all at once.
And I'm angry.
I'm angry because here again is my mother thinking that everyone else should revolve around this family. This headless entity.
To think she wants to call my cousins, who she barely speaks with, to bother them and make them come and do repairs around the house.
This wouldn't have happened if they had sought to find people to do this stuff years ago, like I suggested. But they wouldn't do it. They wanted to only hire people from their church. They distrusted anyone else. And if I insisted, they'd humiliate me by challenging me to do it myself, on my own. They know I can't. I hold nothing of the resources or the decision-making authority. I retreat in humiliation back to "my place".
I could sew my mouth shut and my existence would have been roughly the same.
So now they're out of choices. And my mother thinks that other people connected to us should be available for her. As she was used to with us.
A couple of weeks ago, I wanted to be angry. I don't temember how the conversation started but it veered to getting old and she said that that's why she was worried about us. Who would take care of us when we're old? And I had to hold back my temper.
Wanted us to get married?
Nung teenager ako nagagalit siya pag pupunta ako ng banyo dahil wala daw nagbabantay ng tindahan. When I was in college, while I was spending hours on the bedroom floor completing requirements and studying for my finals, pasalamat daw ako hindi nya ako pinagbantay ng tindahan. Nung 20's ako at minsan lang akong lumabas kasama ni Ate, tatawag siya na galit kasi sino raw magsasara ng tindahan. Nung gusto kong mag take ng lessons, wag daw muna kasi wala daw magbabantay ng tindahan.
She wants my life to revolve around this family. To prioritize only this family. And she has the audacity to act concerned that I would grow old alone with no one to take care of me.
When my father's cousin died alone and I expressed disbelief at the circumstances, she gave out a loud chuckle and mockingly said, "O ano, magaasawa na kayo?" implying that his lonely, tragic death scared us into wanting to get married.
Even then I was upset. At the time, she couldn't even fully operate the tv's remote control on her own. She keeps wanting us to do it for her. It was only after we got upset and pointed this out that she started learning to do it by herself. Because that's the thing. She mocks us for not being married, meanwhile she ALSO can't survive alone.
Now she says she's worried and wants me to have someone take care of me?
I want to laugh. How can I do that? How can I be in two places at the same time? How can I do that and still prioritize this family the way they want it? Do they really think I don't notice?
The way they ice me out.
The way they make me feel small.
And the why.
My mother, my family, who put the ideas in my head that I don't deserve nice things..