My desk has never stayed neat since the year started. I crave salt and sugar like there's no tomorrow. I gained back the weight I lost and more. I couldn't even control my sleep schedule. I spent the nights wide awake, wanting to never sleep, and I waste the day with long naps like I never want to wake.

This is how I know something is wrong.

I spent the year sabotaging myself, destroying the progress I tried to painstakingly make. I know, the entirety of my being is afraid. And it wants me to find reasons to step back, back to the comfort of the shadows, firmly within these walls. The walls in this room. The walls of my mind.

This past week, talking about myself, my experiences, my circumstances... I didn't feel relief. It just felt like shining a light in the quiet places that I hid for all these years.

And maybe that's why. That's why my mind is scared.

When thinking about everything I talked about, I realize that I have felt like I was fighting this silent battle most of my life. Trying to keep my head above water. Trying to stay alive. Even in the days where my hours were empty, I was in a constant state of stress. 

Every change in my life brought pain. Every fight weathered my resolve. My mind knows this and wants to stop me. It's tired of fighting. Tired of the anguish each struggle gives. Tired of the disappointment I feel. Now every step before me brings it fear... it's afraid of what's coming. Afraid of what it brings. 

I'm fighting myself and I don't know if I could win.

 I keep unpublishing and republishing... I should just delete it completely.

What's the point or reliving that horrible time in my life? That level of distress, those insane thoughts? More insane than wanting to die.

But it was also important. The realization of how small I thought of my self. It went beyond self-hatred. I didn't just hate myself. I didn't realize that I subconsciously thought that I was completely nothing. Capable of nothing. Worth nothing.

I tried to make it light-hearted earlier. But remembering that... I felt pity for that version of myself. 

My red flags are waving.

But he's still there.

Does this mean he isn't scared?

🥺

Did I do the right thing?

I know I did. That's why I said it rather than writing about it here. But suddenly I'm feeling a bit strange about it than I did earlier. I'm suddenly worried. I don't know what he thinks.

I didn't feel relief when I said it. There is no relief to be made in talking about something I carried by myself for so many years. I told no one, explained myself to no one, because frankly I felt no one wanted to listen. I had tried it before, but I always faltered. I know, to everyone else, I was just making excuses. This is the first time I told anyone about this to this extent.

I had planned to say it when I'm in a better place. After I've made changes. So I can at least face him without feeling too embarrassed with myself. Hold my head a bit higher.

But I could barely make a change. I'm fighting myself, fighting my mind, sabotaging whatever little progress I make to protect myself. 

My first credit card arrived today.

To have this so late in life is crazy, I know. But in my life it started as me not needing it to eventually thinking I might not qualify for it if I tried.

I didn't even think I'd get approved, even though the limit is low. But they've been so persistent in calling me last July. About 4 to 5 times throughout the day for multiple days. Happened in February too! So when I answered the call and heard them pitching it to me I was laughingly thinking, 'You know what? Sure, let's apply for that. Maybe they'd finally stop calling.' 

At first I even thought, 'Well, shit, if I get approved, I'm going to the fanmeet.'

Then, boom! Ahahaha! 😆

I wasn't actually serious about thinking of getting into debt for a fanmeeting! I was just like thinking of it as a conditional thing. 

But gosh...

 I almost said "When we have a kid". Ahahahaha! 

These hormones... 😑

 I said it.

Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

Oh. I forgot to find the song I wanted to send.

🤦‍♀️

 Should I tell him?  I can't decide if I should! It might come off badly! But I can't stop thinking about it, it's so funny!

And I got my period. 😑

I knew it! I knew it! When I was talking to him, I was so sleepy pero kinikilig ako! Ayieee! 🥰 Tapos, ayun! Right after talking to him, I found out it was about to start already. Yah! We can't be like this everytime! 

He looks so nice... He's going to make me regret it if I don't see him! But he might not like me. 😔

But it's kinda crazy... like a couple of months ago I was talking here about forgetting that men have so much more hair, and then bam! He's gonna be hairless! Ahahahaha! That's so funny!

I wanna joke so badly that I could crush him with my thighs! But that would sound bad! It could be taken the wrong way! Ahahahaha! 

I felt empty. After talking about it for days, what did I expect? Relief? I'm not sure. But I didn't expect to feel empty.

As I ended the conversation in tears, I thought, Why is this so complicated? Twenty years ago I would have walked away from something difficult like this because why does a love that makes me so happy could also make me so sad?

Is it supposed to be like this?

And I thought, maybe it's because I didn't have as much relationship experience. I don't know how things should be. Now I'm at a disadvantage. He had all these experiences and I?  What do I have?

I was scrolling Twitter and was about to close it when I came to a post of an interview from a local celebrity. She said "You have to acknowledge it's not always going to be happy. That's what a real relationship is, that's what real commitment is." And the host added, "Will your love still be bigger than whatever differences you have."

I don't want heaven to ever think I'm ungrateful.. I chose to love and I'm grateful for having someone to love. I'm just struggling sometimes...

 Hm.. Is it a sign? I was thinking if I fail again and ask for help from others, I might need to show the the Pinterest photo. So they'd warm-up to me to help me because from what I had  previously seen before, they weren't keen to share how to get into the cafe. 

But what if that's just an excuse? Because I've been uncertain if I should share it in the first place or not. I had thought that maybe if I shared the Pinterest photo they'd get that all this hint-dropping had been intentional, and that they shouldn't pay her attention because that's what she craves. And maybe, if they stop paying her attention, the issue would finally stop spreading too.

But at the same time, is it wrong to do that? What if I was wrong and thought there was malice when there is none? What if I accidentally bear false witness? Does assuming what her intentions are constitute bearing false witness? But I am convinced that it is what she's doing.

Maybe I'm finally getting drained thinking about this. I'm spending hours wondering what's real or not, what's fabrication, what is innocent...

I'm wondering why she keeps doing this. 

And how? How did she know about what happened before it was posted?

Truthfully, there are many ways to know since she moves in the same circle, have the same friends. But there's also the possibility...

That she got it straight from him.

If I am thinking of all possibilities, then I should be open to that possibility too. It's not wrong to be friends, or to be kind to someone. But what if, again, there are no boundaries in place? And that's why she keeps doing this because his actions made her think there is something between them? 

If she does this over and over and over... what if I slowly begin believing her too?

 I'm so drained. I just noticed that I made an error on the inquiry I sent. And there's no way to change it or delete it. So I got a chance to make the inquiry and I blew it.

And I used my damn passport with my ugliest photo in existence and now the person who will see it must think people from my country are incredibly stupid for making such an error. 

I wrote my name instead of the Daum ID name in the body of the text inquiry. 🤦‍♀️. I should have rechecked it through the translation app!

Ah shit...there goes my chance. 😭

 Ha! HA! I was finally, finally, able to send a real name verification/application inquiry on Daum! After more than two hours! 😭 :tears of exasperation:

I am dizzy from all the Reddit posts, screenshots and translations that I read....

Should I do a mini tutorial? But then I'd have to make my blog searchable again...

She used the song Cigarettes After Sex - Sweet.

I am upset.

I loved that song! o(T□T)o

These two friends care so much about popularity.

The first one mentioned it recently. The second one is obsessed with it.

Does he have a twin? Like an exact replica. Completely the same in every aspect except maybe he works in a library or something.

I'll go for that one and these two can fight over who gets to bask in his popularity.

Or maybe slightly change the replica version into someone who doesn't get startled easily. I'm not sure his area has flying cockroaches like we do here. He might have a heart attack when he sees one.

 One of the things that have raised my eyebrow on this whole thing was how people keep saying she's besties with girllll. As if that vets her somehow.

Like "oh this girl is dropping hints she's with him" and somebody would go "but she's friends with girllll". Huh??

Have none of you even noticed that girllll hasn't liked her posts since late 2022? And not only that, even this friend hasn't posted anything about girllll in years! 

I know people would be saying that doesn't mean anything since girlll is still following her.  But come on! From what I've seen before, she doesn't miss an opportunity to flaunt the friendship before so if they have met up she would have posted about it.

Also, isn't it a coincidence that girllll stopped liking the friend's posts around the same time the friend posted the sneaker photo? Which the friend posted after the man did?

I saw a post a few months ago in which girllll was asked what she'd do if a friend of hers liked her boyfriend. And girl answered she'd cut off that friend.

And I think that's what she did.

Except girllll can't really admit that she likes the man because she wants the man to confess first. So girllll can't really unfriend the friend because she doesn't have an actual reason to. So instead of cutting her off, she's still following her, but their relationship is more casual and cooler than it used to be. 

I'm convinced this is how it is. Maybe I'm wrong but until I get new info to say otherwise, I think this holds up.

Yeah, this is probably why she wanted so badly to be publicly acknowledged. Not just by the man but by people in his circle, in his work. It's prestige by association. Just see how much people are looking favorably at her just because she's girllll's friend. 

She's hungry for validation. 

People won't think that way because she usually doesn't show her face, and she isn't showy with captions or what she posts. 

But I have lived with narcissists. I'm not saying that she is, I'm saying I'm aware of the existence of seeming contradictions. Like a narcissist can have main character syndrome but still be hesitant to show their face. Like my family member. Because it's about perception, ego and control, not specifically about extroversion or social skills. So her not showing her face doesn't automatically mean she's shy or humble.

She gives the impression that she's humble. But inside, the desire to be validated is strong.

She has shown this with other people like letter singer.  Really excited. But rather than show up like a fan, she's more inclined to show that she's more than a fan. Letter singer was reposting people who tagged him for his performance, and mostly people were posting hearts or other emojis, or texts congratulating him. She posts "miss you" in a pink serif font. Sure, they're friends and worked together. But not a congratulations on his work but more about drawing attention to herself? If I saw the stories one by one, her post would have made me think, "Oh she knows him personally". Maybe I might even have thought she was the singer's old flame or something.

And that's what I mean. These are not big gestures of gaining validation. These are small, and subtle, but ever present.

In the posts for example: What she does flaunt, she deletes. This creates an impression of humility while also satisfying her need to brag and even to control people's perception.

That's another thing. How people perceive her is important to her. It doesn't deter her that people might think she's attention-seeking. She's not embarrassed that people might pity her that the man isn't claiming her first. What's important to her is people associate her with him. That's still "prestige".

But say she's faking it and her ego will be hit. Because the perception is different. There's no prestige in being branded as "faking" it. She'll just be a random person like everyone else on the internet.

 I'm worried... When I said that I was 'doubting my love' I wonder if he took it the wrong way? It was a joke about how tough the user verification was and how I want to give up but I'm doing it for him. Have I gone too far with the joke?

I messed up I think...

But how hard it was... I was half-joking on that one. Because while doing it I was realizing how hard it really was because of the credentials needed— if you don't have their number, their ID card, then no, you can't come in. It's kinda what it feels like. And I'm not faulting them. That's their right. But it makes me feel like... like it could be a wall between us.

 Other things have been going on so I wasn't able to take time to figure out how to write this. 

I tried, but it seemed messy. So to make it easier we've got the following cast of characters:

man

girlll's friend

OP

Commenter 1

Commenter 2

Commenter 3

OP posted a profile of girlll's friend and then tagged the man. So every person that checked the tags on the man for updates and news could see it. And considering what had happened, I bet there are more people checking the tags than usual as they're eager to hear about news.

OP had a fairly new account with several posts about the girlll dating back to July as far as I saw. 

About OP's actual post where he tagged the man: No screenshot unfortunately. So I got this from Google search:

Except, by the time I saw it, the caption was different. 

Instead of saying "Question who is she? Friend", it had said "Who is she? Girlfriend" and some  emoji I can't remember.

The story they are mentioning is this:

The initial comments on the post by OP are from commenter 1 and answered by OP.

Initially only OP's first reply was there. It was bad, but it could still be ignored because people post speculations all the time.

Then going back to check OP's post,  the second comment from OP has appeared.

Commenter 2 replied why should the man do that? Tiktok is full of girls posting pics of the man. If the man stepped up for all the girls that claimed him he'd have a thousand wives.

OP replied that the man isn't flirty with other girls. And the Tiktok girls are fake. And this is the real thing. They're dating.

Several minutes later, commenter 3 appeared. She said girlll's friend posted about cat passing before the man posted his story. And further echoed what OP said that girlll's friend and the man were dating. And I think she was the one that mentioned that she was friends with girllll.

Nearly thirty minutes later Commenter 2 replied that when the man posted a lamp the girlll's friend posted a photo from Pinterest of the same types of lamps making it seem something was going. Commenter 2 said it's fake, just like the tiktok girls.

OP replied to commenter 2 and said "It means it's true! They are dating".

Commenter 2 replied to OP saying 'How could you think that it means that it's real? It means she doesn't have an actual photo in his apartment.'

Commenter 2 replied to Commenter 3 and said "girlll hasn't liked the friend's posts in years. I assumed it was because she's weird"

And then commenter 2 made a general comment that "Wait... can we get sued for defamation? I'm gonna delete"

And then not a minute later the whole post disappeared. It turns out, OP suddenly deleted their account.

And not only that, the girlll's friend suddenly went private.

Suspicious? I think so. 

Because for five hours, FIVE, that the post was up she didn't go private. And the post could habe been there for more than five hours. She's chronically online and posts multiple stories a day so she has definitely seen the post when the OP clearly tagged her multiple times— on the post itself and twice in the comments. 

But even in the nearly two hours that the entire conversation in the comments between OP and commenters 2 and 3 took place in, she didn't go private. 

Which means for at least 5 hours, she was perfectly fine and enjoying the thought that people were thinking that she was dating the man. 

If she didn't care about what was said, about the rumor OP was posting, that's why she didn't react in those 5 hours, then why did she suddenly go private only after commenter 2 didn't believe the man was dating her and mentioned the possibility of the post getting sued for defamation? And why did she block commenter 2 when commenter 2 never even tagged her at all? 

And isn't it a strange? OP said the man isn't flirty with other girls. 

Huh? Is she saying the man was flirty with girlll's friend?

Because why make that distinction that he's not flirty with other girls? Has OP seen the man flirt with this girl and not with others? It's a strange statement to make when the man has never posted anything to indicate he was flirty with girlll's friend specifically. And girlll's friend is an ordinary citizen, so how would OP even know how he is with her?

I checked OP's location and it's United States. But I'm still suspicious.

Because how come both of these suddenly acted at around the same time? 

Because I wasn't following girlll's friend I had to search her up manually each time I wanted yo check an update on OP's post. So I was sure girlll's friend's account was open thirty minutes before OP deleted her entire account.

It could just be a coincidence...

But isn't it weird that some random account just suddenly went from saying "Who is she?" to insisting that "They're dating." 

 Ahahahahaha! I just spent almost 2 hours trying to verify my daum cafe account!

Even logging in was a nightmare because for 15 minutes I found myself on an endless feedback loop! 

I tried to google as much as I could. Screenshot everything so I can run it through translation apps... 

Then finally, finally! I have composed my email to kakao for user verification! And just as I was attaching my ID photo, my email disappeared and I'm right back at the homepage!

And it happened again two more times!

I want to bang my head on my desk!!

Hahaha!

I haven't laughed as much these past few days.

Ahahahaha!

I've cried multiple times. I'm tired. I just want to stay in the dark.

When I briefly mentioned girllll's friend, I decided to remove it because I thought I didn't want to talk about her anymore. Things have passed and it probably should just be left in the past.

Well, it's not in the past anymore because she's trying to make herself known again.

Sabi ko nga post ko noon, si girl style talaga nya establishing connection through physical contact. Yung friend naman nya dati ang style naman trying to connect through intimacy. Nagpost kaya sya ng story ng kama tapos may isang pillow lang sa gitna, tapos may song na kasama, so very suggestive na invitation to have intimacy yung buong story. 

Pero mas nakakatakot etong si friend kasi di yun magdadalawang isip to throw him under bus para sa ego nya. As in nagpopost si friend na wala siyang pakialam na nasasaktan si guy. Kumulo dugo ko don. I get it na galit siya pero wala siyang care na maskatan siya tapos a few days later parang gusto nya magkabalikan sila? Nakakainis ha! Huh. Alam kaya ni guy na may silent war tong dalawang to dahil sa kanya? Hindi na nag like si girllll sa IG ng friend nya since nalink si friend sa kanya. Kaya ko nga lang nalaman kasi yung friend mismo post ng post, napansin tuloy ng followers. Dun ko nabalitaan pero nalaman ko na lang mukhang wala na sila kasi nagpopost na si friend kadikit ibang lalaki. Magkadikit yung arms nila na akala mo nagcocompare ng complexion. Inosente lang sana no? Yung isa kunwari sa mukha pa yung hawak pero thumb lang naman nakadikit. Pinapaselos nya siguro. Pero parang sira lang ano? Kung mahal mo bakit ka magpopost kadikit ng ibang lalaki? Gusto nya magselos yung guy? Gusto nya mafeel nyang mahal sya nung guy pag nagselos siya? E kaya pala nagkasundo sila ni girllll nung umpisa e, parehong gustong maging special. 🤦‍♀️

Ngayon eto nanaman siya. Trying to make it seem that they're dating. I wouldn't care but something created a troublesome post because of what she's been doing.

Shit. I ended up talking to someone.

I was trying to find out if the account who made the comment still existed but there's no other way to find out!

And the rule, according to my Uncle, was that if you want information you have to give information as well. I mean, it is effective style pero damn. Nakakatakot. I didn't want to do it. Good thing I had a guess about the red nail girl so very mild in terms of info.

I don't want to say anything tungkol sa babaeng yon pero baka mamaya mapilitan ako.

Sana kasi pwedeng siya na lang kausapin ko tungkol dito pero... 😔

The other day, I was kinda busy looking at things. Looking for more messages, more condolences. And I was gathering them, but even doing that made me feel unsure.

Is it okay to do this? Won't it seem too sad to think about it for so many days? 

I'm not saying what happened should be forgotten. I'm just wondering how do people transition to starting healing? It could be depressing to think about sad memories everyday. I've looked at comments and some people say they couldn't move on after ten days. Others said they were in a bad state for months. But to talk about this everyday— wouldn't that be like keeping somebody's emotions down? But to instantly talk about happy things seems insensitive too.. I didn't know which path to choose. I'm not sure what's okay for him. 

I'm trying to think about how I processed things when these things happened to me and I can't think of a suitable answer. With every loss, I just went through the motions.

I think it's the same for my family. I wasn't raised to deal with emotions. I don't know how. And I don't think my parents actually knew how either. 

My family had a practical view of death. More so with the passing of pets. In our home, it was just a moment in time; you don't dwell on it. There's a very practical approach to it. I'm grateful to my mother in that sense because I don't think I could have done what she did: Buried each of our animals who passed. We have an area that was set to be the burial site for them. It's not a proper grave. Nothing placed there to serve as a memorial. It's just soil. To remember what was under there is happenstance. Not intentional.

Sometimes we would even joke about not planting root crops there. 

I wasn't sure what the right approach was. Check-in often? Then I thought that might be too depressing. Suffocating even. Would a person find that too heavy to be reminded of it every couple of hours? 

But then yesterday, I thought what if I was wrong? What if checking in often was the right approach? What if in trying to give him space I made him feel alone?

I don't know what the right choice is! I don't know what people actually need! So many different people want different things and I don't know what he prefers, what helps him.

Sometimes, I feel regretful about how socially inept I am.

It's not just in this instance but in other instances as well. For other people. I feel embarrassed having to google what to say at times when people I know say that a relative of theirs had passed. I just end up saying "Condolence" for fear of saying the wrong thing.

I read the comments carefully and I read that somebody liked it when people would ask about her pet right after her pet passed. So I decided to go with that. I thought it was nice, a kind of memoriam.

But other times... I was worried that I talked too much, said too much, that I might seem like I'm trying too hard and that it might be misunderstood as insincere. 

Is there a way to better know these things? Know what to do?

I was looking at a follower's comment the other day and she was posting about International Cat day. One had a caption that was like, 'yeah, we know she's a beauty'— it was worded as if he was in a jovial mood bragging about her. I thought the follower didn't know what happened and I was about to tell her when I thought to look at her profile. Yeah, she knew. She posted a comment about it but she still continued posting about International Cat Day as if nothing happened. Uhm, this is not the time? 🤦‍♀️

I think I found someone more socially inept than me.

There's a problem happening right now but I can't bring it to him at this time. I mean, maybe in his eyes it's not a problem? But it's a rumor that seems to be growing. It's still small right but that woman is trying to fan the flames. 

Ceiling is leaking. Lol.

I guess I shouldn't feel so bad about not sleeping early tonight. If I did, I would have woken up drenched. 😑 At least I saw it a bit early, only my pillow got wet. 

I told my sister twice I was moving to the empty unit in a joking tone. She had no reply. 😏

^Moved the bed 1 foot away. Now I'm right next to the closet door. That's okay. It's not my closet anyway. Ahahahaha!

 I was just going to gather condolences but then I saw a comment from this troll who I have seen multiple times over the course of months!

Ugh!!! I want to rain down the insults on this troll! But I had to hold back because he might see. 😑 Starting a full blown fight in a comment section is gonna be crass. But I did try to tell her off for a bit...

I had been anxiously waiting for a sign that she's better. I had even started feeling guilty because I never even prayed for our own turtles. But she's old and I was hoping she'd have a few more years with him.

I shouldn't have sent that nonsense. I was just thinking of saying a quick good night and leaving but I saw that post, thought it might be interesting, and maybe take his mind off of things. Distract him from his worries for a bit. I didn't know something already happened.

I don't even know how to properly comfort him. I don't know what to say, don't know what to do, don't know how to help. 

Is it helpful to talk about it or to avoid it entirely? Should I find things to cheer him up or is that disrespectful? I don't know. I was raised by emotionally unavailable parents.

How can I be there for him?

I feel anxious. Again. I'm anxious about a cat who is not even my cat. So I haven't slept. And me and my sister ate through the early morning hours. 😑  

I ended up reading about this girl, a fan of an idol boy group who committed suicide on a livestream. Apparently, she had gone on a fansign, gave a couple of bouquets to a boy group member and asked him to give one of the bouquets to her main bias. The idol didn't hear and started posing with the flowers. The girl got upset and there are conflicting claims of her fidgeting and shouting. 

There are also conflicting claims that the idol, her main bias, went on a livestream and said he didn't like these type of fans who draw attention to themselves. The fans zeroed in on this girl as the person being talked about.

The girl apologized on her account and closed it. But still he comments didn't stop. This apparently happened over the course of four days. 

Then she went on a livestream to explain herself and the negative comments followed her there. There was a rope on the door behind her. She said that she lost her joy. And hanged herself. Somebody on twitter said her stream was on for two hours before people came and turned it off. 

When she apologized, apparently she said she miscalculated how close she thought she was to the members. She supposedly worked as a cabaret hostess even while attending university. And she used that money to fund being a fan, getting front row seats to events, sending gifts to members. She apparently sent 100 white roses to her main bias early this year. Somebody said that back then the other fans thought it was cute and thought she was pretty, then just months later the same fans called her names and said she was too parasocial.

Was she too parasocial? She attended enough events that the idols and even other fans could recognize her.

I honestly don't know. It makes me wonder...

 I'm so stupid. I've considered that maybe he was MIA because his pet was sick but I chose to be stubborn. I don't know what the Bible says about praying for animals but...

Please, please, please, let his pets be okay! I don't want him to be lonely!

 I chickened out. 🫥

^I was gonna delete that. But I came in too late. I should have come in earlier!  It's been hours, I'm still tense. What should I say?

^He's not there right now! I can breathe!

Shit. I forgot to delete the message.

I don't want to be the kind of person who can't laugh at a joke.

I can. And I do recognize that the joke he said was funny. But somehow... it made me sad.

This is not about the First Love. I'm not even mad at her at all. Or the joke they exchanged. I think it's partly because I don't see anything questionable from her. From what very, very little I've seen of her, I actually like her very strong adherence to her sense of self. Honestly? I think he really did like her in the past. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been so self-conscious to hug her with his hips jutting out. 😸 But I don't feel bad about it. And it feels like something that's truly in the past and doesn't have the same meaning in the present. And I try to look at things that way...

But the joke reminded me of these past few weeks. It reminded me... to ask myself, is this what is expected of me? To watch as the interactions become closer? How was it described by somebody else again? Intimate. They said it looked intimate. The worst part is, I can't even completely refute it. 

I hate that I feel this way. I hate thinking this way. I hate it, because I don't want him to stop joking around with people. But at the same time... I feel lost. That's why I thought of again trying to explain but I ended up failing when I couldn't find the video to send to him.

I was talking to him about a show because somebody said the ML and 2ndFL had a mature relationship. It's a situationship that played in the boundaries between intimacy and friendship. And I questioned that. And I told him my thoughts about it.

The ML would lie on the lap of the 2ndFL and both enjoyed a friendship that was a lot closer to an unspoken romance.

I said, if the 2ndFL and 2ndML didn't end up together, would the ML have continued his more-than-a-friendship kind of relationship with 2ndFL even though the ML and FL are together?

I suddenly realized I was describing something similar to what was happening in our own reality. I didn't intend it that way. 

Well... shit. At least I can say I was consistent– in what matters to me, in what bothers me.

I thought I finally stopped crying. 

Am I really supposed to never speak up about this?

Maybe I'm not supposed to because it's not my place.

Maybe that's what less than a lover truly means. 

I'm nothing.

It really made me laugh when I first saw that. 

Now I'm back to crying.

And somewhere in between all of these, I remembered that my 20 year old self wouldn't have put up with this. I would have valued my peace, my sense of self, my beliefs. But now... I can't even think of going.

When I wrote that post that I said I couldn't finish... it felt wrong to even say I'd leave if something goes wrong. Because I don't want to abandon him. I don't want to hurt him like that. But at the same time, I don't want to be the kind of woman who watches while her dignity gets trampled on, who lets herself burn to keep others warm, who loses her soul while loving somebody else.

Why does it have to be a choice between loving someone and keeping your beliefs?

I had to laugh.

I opened the wrong Instagram and the first thing I see is a cat swaying from side to side, adapting to rocking motion of the boat she was in.

Is that a message for me? To learn to adapt?

Maybe it's because I have been thinking about it the wrong way. I had thought, I'm going to explain so I can finally put all of this behind me.

But maybe there's no such thing as putting this behind me. Just a reality that I was trying to avoid. Maybe the only option for me is to accept reality and that's it.

But haven't I? I wrote this post on July 20 that I couldn't finish:

"The imperfect communication of human beings.....

All the tragedies that result from not fully understanding how others feel."

I had to laugh.

I saw that from watching the Colony. Good production value but as a zombie movie, pretty generic. But that's not the point.

I have said before that sometimes what I watch reflects on my current situation. So reading that line made me chuckle, as it happened just hours after I thought to send a video to him. 

I don't know. In the moment, I just thought of trying to talk, doing that explanation I had been putting off. And then I tried to send that video from somebody else's post and I couldn't find it. The same video I mentioned seeing again recently. Did I make a mistake and went to the wrong account? But I swear I had the right one. I even downloaded it before because I know I would forget where I put it if I just saved it in the app. I searched that account's recent posts and it was nowhere. I think the account owner really deleted it. 

Is it a sign? For me not to speak about it at all?

My head hurt again. Which is surprising because it hadn't hurt in days. It only started hurting after I wrote my post the other night. Is this getting triggered by stress? I don't know. Maybe.

He was probably just watching the game yesterday morning.  And the night before that?  Well, it was a Sunday. Sometimes even I don't come at that time. So I don't expect him to be there all the time, truly I don't. But I think I was just anxious because of what had happened in the past few weeks.

 I had a weird thought.

What if he stays in a place I knew? Somewhere where there are places that are open even after midnight?

What if I asked him to come down so we can talk?

Okay, that's stupid. That's not safe. I shouldn't know where he stays. Nobody should. It's better that way. It's safer for him that way.

I think I'm just anxious. I have been wanting to explain things like I said I would but I just can't seem to decide what to say.

And yesterday was the last day of his birthday month... but honestly, I had been feeling guilty since last week. Because...

He must have been feeling really happy on his birthday.  And then saying that he's coming...

He must have been so happy! He must have expected us to be happy too! But I ended up being the way that I was...

All those upset feelings I had from the things I saw, the things I read because of the trip and then my own uncertainties and fears from the announcement. In a way, that's why I didn't talk too much. Apart from being upset, I didn't want to unleash all those upset feelings on him all at once. That's why I ended up here!

But still I told him things. Because it's right for him to know and not be kept in the dark. And because I didn't want my feelings to be disregarded- I wanted a relationship where both people's feelings are important. 

Now I'm feeling sorry I couldn't be excited for his announcement.

Why couldn't I have grown up to be more... acceptable? Maybe if I was born gorgeous, maybe if I became a functional person with my life in order, maybe things would have been easier. Easier for me. Easier for him.

^ 

Well. He's not there. I had thought about winging it and just say something to try to explain but he's not there. 

He's not there last night either. I don't know why? Did something change again? 

Who decided on this venue??? Did I accidentally mention it? I don't remember that I ever did. Did I accidentally manifest it? Why???

Why is he going to be so close??

Thirty fucking minutes away! Where even would he stay? He's used to being in fancy places! There's nowhere like that in that area! 

Is there??? Is there some place close by he could go to? Even if he finds a place somewhere that's similar to what he's used to, it's going to be far away! The traffic jam is going to torture him! 

I am stressing out!!

Why is he coming here????

There isn't even anywhere there he can go to, no place I can recommend! What can I tell him? You want to check out my old high school? 🤦‍♀️

Maybe I should joke, 

Would you like to come meet my mom?

😂AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGHGGGGGGGH!😱

I'm going to be so scared...

If he stays in the hotel near here, I am not going out of the house. I don't care if I'm not actually going to run into him because it's still some distance away! I don't care! What am I going to do!!! THEY SHOULD HAVE ANNOUNCED THIS TWO YEARS AGO! So I had time to prepare! What am I gonna do???

🫩 It's been hours. I'm too anxious to sleep.

 Araneta? Araneta?? Araneta???

Why is it in Araneta?  I thought it was going to be in Solaire?? Two, three hours the fuck away! I could have a reason not to make it!

But Araneta??????

I'm so damn scared.