The other day, I was kinda busy looking at things. Looking for more messages, more condolences. And I was gathering them, but even doing that made me feel unsure.

Is it okay to do this? Won't it seem too sad to think about it for so many days? 

I'm not saying what happened should be forgotten. I'm just wondering how do people transition to starting healing? It could be depressing to think about sad memories everyday. I've looked at comments and some people say they couldn't move on after ten days. Others said they were in a bad state for months. But to talk about this everyday— wouldn't that be like keeping somebody's emotions down? But to instantly talk about happy things seems insensitive too.. I didn't know which path to choose. I'm not sure what's okay for him. 

I'm trying to think about how I processed things when these things happened to me and I can't think of a suitable answer. With every loss, I just went through the motions.

I think it's the same for my family. I wasn't raised to deal with emotions. I don't know how. And I don't think my parents actually knew how either. 

My family had a practical view of death. More so with the passing of pets. In our home, it was just a moment in time; you don't dwell on it. There's a very practical approach to it. I'm grateful to my mother in that sense because I don't think I could have done what she did: Buried each of our animals who passed. We have an area that was set to be the burial site for them. It's not a proper grave. Nothing placed there to serve as a memorial. It's just soil. To remember what was under there is happenstance. Not intentional.

Sometimes we would even joke about not planting root crops there. 

I wasn't sure what the right approach was. Check-in often? Then I thought that might be too depressing. Suffocating even. Would a person find that too heavy to be reminded of it every couple of hours? 

But then yesterday, I thought what if I was wrong? What if checking in often was the right approach? What if in trying to give him space I made him feel alone?

I don't know what the right choice is! I don't know what people actually need! So many different people want different things and I don't know what he prefers, what helps him.

Sometimes, I feel regretful about how socially inept I am.

It's not just in this instance but in other instances as well. For other people. I feel embarrassed having to google what to say at times when people I know say that a relative of theirs had passed. I just end up saying "Condolence" for fear of saying the wrong thing.

I read the comments carefully and I read that somebody liked it when people would ask about her pet right after her pet passed. So I decided to go with that. I thought it was nice, a kind of memoriam.

But other times... I was worried that I talked too much, said too much, that I might seem like I'm trying too hard and that it might be misunderstood as insincere. 

Is there a way to better know these things? Know what to do?

I was looking at a follower's comment the other day and she was posting about International Cat day. One had a caption that was like, 'yeah, we know she's a beauty'— it was worded as if he was in a jovial mood bragging about her. I thought the follower didn't know what happened and I was about to tell her when I thought to look at her profile. Yeah, she knew. She posted a comment about it but she still continued posting about International Cat Day as if nothing happened. Uhm, this is not the time? 🤦‍♀️

I think I found someone more socially inept than me.

There's a problem happening right now but I can't bring it to him at this time. I mean, maybe in his eyes it's not a problem? But it's a rumor that seems to be growing. It's still small right but that woman is trying to fan the flames. 

Ceiling is leaking. Lol.

I guess I shouldn't feel so bad about not sleeping early tonight. If I did, I would have woken up drenched. 😑 At least I saw it a bit early, only my pillow got wet. 

I told my sister twice I was moving to the empty unit in a joking tone. She had no reply. 😏

^Moved the bed 1 foot away. Now I'm right next to the closet door. That's okay. It's not my closet anyway. Ahahahaha!

 I was just going to gather condolences but then I saw a comment from this troll who I have seen multiple times over the course of months!

Ugh!!! I want to rain down the insults on this troll! But I had to hold back because he might see. 😑 Starting a full blown fight in a comment section is gonna be crass. But I did try to tell her off for a bit...

I had been anxiously waiting for a sign that she's better. I had even started feeling guilty because I never even prayed for our own turtles. But she's old and I was hoping she'd have a few more years with him.

I shouldn't have sent that nonsense. I was just thinking of saying a quick good night and leaving but I saw that post, thought it might be interesting, and maybe take his mind off of things. Distract him from his worries for a bit. I didn't know something already happened.

I don't even know how to properly comfort him. I don't know what to say, don't know what to do, don't know how to help. 

Is it helpful to talk about it or to avoid it entirely? Should I find things to cheer him up or is that disrespectful? I don't know. I was raised by emotionally unavailable parents.

How can I be there for him?

I feel anxious. Again. I'm anxious about a cat who is not even my cat. So I haven't slept. And me and my sister ate through the early morning hours. 😑  

I ended up reading about this girl, a fan of an idol boy group who committed suicide on a livestream. Apparently, she had gone on a fansign, gave a couple of bouquets to a boy group member and asked him to give one of the bouquets to her main bias. The idol didn't hear and started posing with the flowers. The girl got upset and there are conflicting claims of her fidgeting and shouting. 

There are also conflicting claims that the idol, her main bias, went on a livestream and said he didn't like these type of fans who draw attention to themselves. The fans zeroed in on this girl as the person being talked about.

The girl apologized on her account and closed it. But still he comments didn't stop. This apparently happened over the course of four days. 

Then she went on a livestream to explain herself and the negative comments followed her there. There was a rope on the door behind her. She said that she lost her joy. And hanged herself. Somebody on twitter said her stream was on for two hours before people came and turned it off. 

When she apologized, apparently she said she miscalculated how close she thought she was to the members. She supposedly worked as a cabaret hostess even while attending university. And she used that money to fund being a fan, getting front row seats to events, sending gifts to members. She apparently sent 100 white roses to her main bias early this year. Somebody said that back then the other fans thought it was cute and thought she was pretty, then just months later the same fans called her names and said she was too parasocial.

Was she too parasocial? She attended enough events that the idols and even other fans could recognize her.

I honestly don't know. It makes me wonder...

 I'm so stupid. I've considered that maybe he was MIA because his pet was sick but I chose to be stubborn. I don't know what the Bible says about praying for animals but...

Please, please, please, let his pets be okay! I don't want him to be lonely!

 I chickened out. 🫥

^I was gonna delete that. But I came in too late. I should have come in earlier!  It's been hours, I'm still tense. What should I say?

^He's not there right now! I can breathe!

Shit. I forgot to delete the message.

I don't want to be the kind of person who can't laugh at a joke.

I can. And I do recognize that the joke he said was funny. But somehow... it made me sad.

This is not about the First Love. I'm not even mad at her at all. Or the joke they exchanged. I think it's partly because I don't see anything questionable from her. From what very, very little I've seen of her, I actually like her very strong adherence to her sense of self. Honestly? I think he really did like her in the past. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been so self-conscious to hug her with his hips jutting out. 😸 But I don't feel bad about it. And it feels like something that's truly in the past and doesn't have the same meaning in the present. And I try to look at things that way...

But the joke reminded me of these past few weeks. It reminded me... to ask myself, is this what is expected of me? To watch as the interactions become closer? How was it described by somebody else again? Intimate. They said it looked intimate. The worst part is, I can't even completely refute it. 

I hate that I feel this way. I hate thinking this way. I hate it, because I don't want him to stop joking around with people. But at the same time... I feel lost. That's why I thought of again trying to explain but I ended up failing when I couldn't find the video to send to him.

I was talking to him about a show because somebody said the ML and 2ndFL had a mature relationship. It's a situationship that played in the boundaries between intimacy and friendship. And I questioned that. And I told him my thoughts about it.

The ML would lie on the lap of the 2ndFL and both enjoyed a friendship that was a lot closer to an unspoken romance.

I said, if the 2ndFL and 2ndML didn't end up together, would the ML have continued his more-than-a-friendship kind of relationship with 2ndFL even though the ML and FL are together?

I suddenly realized I was describing something similar to what was happening in our own reality. I didn't intend it that way. 

Well... shit. At least I can say I was consistent– in what matters to me, in what bothers me.

I thought I finally stopped crying. 

Am I really supposed to never speak up about this?

Maybe I'm not supposed to because it's not my place.

Maybe that's what less than a lover truly means. 

I'm nothing.

It really made me laugh when I first saw that. 

Now I'm back to crying.

And somewhere in between all of these, I remembered that my 20 year old self wouldn't have put up with this. I would have valued my peace, my sense of self, my beliefs. But now... I can't even think of going.

When I wrote that post that I said I couldn't finish... it felt wrong to even say I'd leave if something goes wrong. Because I don't want to abandon him. I don't want to hurt him like that. But at the same time, I don't want to be the kind of woman who watches while her dignity gets trampled on, who lets herself burn to keep others warm, who loses her soul while loving somebody else.

Why does it have to be a choice between loving someone and keeping your beliefs?

I had to laugh.

I opened the wrong Instagram and the first thing I see is a cat swaying from side to side, adapting to rocking motion of the boat she was in.

Is that a message for me? To learn to adapt?

Maybe it's because I have been thinking about it the wrong way. I had thought, I'm going to explain so I can finally put all of this behind me.

But maybe there's no such thing as putting this behind me. Just a reality that I was trying to avoid. Maybe the only option for me is to accept reality and that's it.

But haven't I? I wrote this post on July 20 that I couldn't finish:

"The imperfect communication of human beings.....

All the tragedies that result from not fully understanding how others feel."

I had to laugh.

I saw that from watching the Colony. Good production value but as a zombie movie, pretty generic. But that's not the point.

I have said before that sometimes what I watch reflects on my current situation. So reading that line made me chuckle, as it happened just hours after I thought to send a video to him. 

I don't know. In the moment, I just thought of trying to talk, doing that explanation I had been putting off. And then I tried to send that video from somebody else's post and I couldn't find it. The same video I mentioned seeing again recently. Did I make a mistake and went to the wrong account? But I swear I had the right one. I even downloaded it before because I know I would forget where I put it if I just saved it in the app. I searched that account's recent posts and it was nowhere. I think the account owner really deleted it. 

Is it a sign? For me not to speak about it at all?

My head hurt again. Which is surprising because it hadn't hurt in days. It only started hurting after I wrote my post the other night. Is this getting triggered by stress? I don't know. Maybe.

He was probably just watching the game yesterday morning.  And the night before that?  Well, it was a Sunday. Sometimes even I don't come at that time. So I don't expect him to be there all the time, truly I don't. But I think I was just anxious because of what had happened in the past few weeks.

 I had a weird thought.

What if he stays in a place I knew? Somewhere where there are places that are open even after midnight?

What if I asked him to come down so we can talk?

Okay, that's stupid. That's not safe. I shouldn't know where he stays. Nobody should. It's better that way. It's safer for him that way.

I think I'm just anxious. I have been wanting to explain things like I said I would but I just can't seem to decide what to say.

And yesterday was the last day of his birthday month... but honestly, I had been feeling guilty since last week. Because...

He must have been feeling really happy on his birthday.  And then saying that he's coming...

He must have been so happy! He must have expected us to be happy too! But I ended up being the way that I was...

All those upset feelings I had from the things I saw, the things I read because of the trip and then my own uncertainties and fears from the announcement. In a way, that's why I didn't talk too much. Apart from being upset, I didn't want to unleash all those upset feelings on him all at once. That's why I ended up here!

But still I told him things. Because it's right for him to know and not be kept in the dark. And because I didn't want my feelings to be disregarded- I wanted a relationship where both people's feelings are important. 

Now I'm feeling sorry I couldn't be excited for his announcement.

Why couldn't I have grown up to be more... acceptable? Maybe if I was born gorgeous, maybe if I became a functional person with my life in order, maybe things would have been easier. Easier for me. Easier for him.

^ 

Well. He's not there. I had thought about winging it and just say something to try to explain but he's not there. 

He's not there last night either. I don't know why? Did something change again? 

Who decided on this venue??? Did I accidentally mention it? I don't remember that I ever did. Did I accidentally manifest it? Why???

Why is he going to be so close??

Thirty fucking minutes away! Where even would he stay? He's used to being in fancy places! There's nowhere like that in that area! 

Is there??? Is there some place close by he could go to? Even if he finds a place somewhere that's similar to what he's used to, it's going to be far away! The traffic jam is going to torture him! 

I am stressing out!!

Why is he coming here????

There isn't even anywhere there he can go to, no place I can recommend! What can I tell him? You want to check out my old high school? 🤦‍♀️

Maybe I should joke, 

Would you like to come meet my mom?

😂AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGHGGGGGGGH!😱

I'm going to be so scared...

If he stays in the hotel near here, I am not going out of the house. I don't care if I'm not actually going to run into him because it's still some distance away! I don't care! What am I going to do!!! THEY SHOULD HAVE ANNOUNCED THIS TWO YEARS AGO! So I had time to prepare! What am I gonna do???

🫩 It's been hours. I'm too anxious to sleep.

 Araneta? Araneta?? Araneta???

Why is it in Araneta?  I thought it was going to be in Solaire?? Two, three hours the fuck away! I could have a reason not to make it!

But Araneta??????

I'm so damn scared.