Memories and sadness woven to each other...

I peel back one layer and uncover another.

 I just wrote my post and now... he's at home. 😐

^

Still not there. Should I be scared? 🫥

I mentioned being fat and suddenly he's gone.

😐

Well, to be fair, he has been consistently showing up around our time for months. I was actually surprised and wondered if his schedule changed. And again recently since he's been on all the time.

But today, I mentioned being fat for the first time and now he's not there. 

Did he get scared and say no? (ノ´Д｀)ノ

Hayyy... 

I have thought about it and I don't feel like I'm on the edge of depression. But somehow I feel constantly stressed. Even when I'm not doing something, I feel stressed. My hair is falling out again too.

I have considered the possibility that I'm self-sabotaging myself because I want to be seen at my worst.

To be accepted as I am.

Ugh. I hate saying that. I hate, HATE, acknowledging that part of me. Because anywhere else, I don't really clamor for validation. Which is one of the things I am grateful for about myself. I can have low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and hate myself to the high heavens, but I have this kind of self-assuredness that stops me from wanting to be validated externally.

But it's not absolute. I can't say there isn't a tiny part in there that seeks approval externally. I just don't chase it. Don't do anything to satisfy it. Except for moments like this. 

It's like a reverse way of doing it.

I know it, because this had been my problem before. It is also intertwined with certain beliefs. Like believing that it's shallow to see people as better individuals because of how they dress so I don't make an effort to dress up. It's like vainly trying to go against the grain. I have changed my thoughts about it a little bit, accepting that this is how society thinks and functions and doesn't necessarily indicate that anyone is bad person for following it. Context and nuance exists.

I mean, I think he has something like this too. When he wanted to be seen with his hair unstyled and somewhat messy.

Maybe it's not exactly the same reasoning as mine, but when I saw it I was like, Yeah, I get it.

But this? This is different.

I know men can be brutal about looks. 

Just this week, a saw a post from a poor woman who found out her husband was cheating on her with a coworker. She posted screenshots of messages between her husband and the affair partner. Her husband had the audacity to mock her saying she got fat and loose after giving birth to their three kids.

And me? I was with someone people kept telling me was ugly but I didn't see that. But he certainly had several things to say about how I looked. I was surprised. Back then, I thought people who were criticized for their looks would be kinder about the same thing. But I forgot he also had eyes. 🤷‍♀️

So yeah...

What if I'm like this because part of me wanted him to see me at my worst? To be sure that he actually really likes me?

I won't be mad. Sad, maybe. But I have heard time and time again from men how attraction is deeply important for them.

He said it was important for him too.

So he can say no early, before things go even further. Before I get hurt.

It's probably me who should take that Suicide Prevention Day poster seriously. Not because I'm going to do it, but because my life is more fractured.

I tell somebody else to heed the advise even though I know I ignore it.

It's fine. It's something I've dealt with for a long time. 

Reading the caption on the post, "You are not alone", I stopped. 

Did I ever feel doing it because I felt lonely? Because I felt alone? 

I think I understood early on that people I knew didn't think the same way like me. 

So it was just me, all this time, 

dancing with the devil for my life.

I stopped wanting a long time ago for somebody else to watch out for me.

I'm okay with that.

I watch out for somebody else now.

He's doing well it seems, and I'm okay with that.

 I saw this tweet and...

😮‍💨 This! This is what I should have been doing!!!

I want to be able to say this too!! 

She even put in her blood pressure improvement! That's how serious she is!

But me? I can't sleep on time and have zero control over myself. I can't stick to a schedule, can't maintain exercise, craving salt and sugar and indulging myself all the time..

I gained so much weight instead of losing weight!

Honestly, my only consolation was that I gained some ass back. Really, being fat and having a pancake butt is a tragedy!

I had always held more weight in lower abdomen to my thighs. But when I had a really bad depressive episode in 2016, I gained so much weight that I just exploded everywhere. It was the heaviest and ugliest I ever was. I was a blob. Unfornutely, I had my passport in that era so I had a brutal reminder of how ugly I was. Then I started very slowly losing some of that weight before I plateaued and ended up with a pancake butt. And I didn't even notice it until I realized I could feel it when I sit on a wooden stool. I tried squats last year but it only made a tiny difference. 

But lately I could actually see some difference! Definitely not JLo levels, but definitely not a pancake anymore! 👍 There's actually some cushion in there. But now everywhere else is much fatter so... 🤦‍♀️

I was actually thinking about this on the way back last night. And then I saw that post with the Bruno Mars track and I just laughed—

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DcyS2rKSQsE/?stkn=ZWpxd2U4d2t5ZWhy

I couldn't decide if I should send it or not because it looks kinda pervy but it was funny!

 Ahahaha! 

I don't know. Would it be annoying? 

Or would it be ticklish?🤭

I understand now why I thought of stopping my visits. I wanted to steel my heart against what I knew would come. I wanted to avoid it. 

The long drawn-out good bye. 

To see it fade, to hear the silence grow... That was sadder than simply turning my back and walking away. It feels like another loss, but I will have to wait. Watch and wait. 

I used to think so much about you when things got too hard. I thought about you, and thought that I will live, I should live...

And for a while, for a good while, I was so sorry that I even thought of leaving this world.

Because I thought you took my place.

I wanted to breathe.

But August,

August marked its days with our sorrows,

And it ends today in September.

Today, I exhale.

 Today I just want to exhale.

It rained so hard when I went to visit you. I crossed floodwaters for you!

You would have been appalled! But I know you would have appreciated it.

Have I been holding my breathe? One thing after another. But August, August...

I think about her. Eight years now. There was a time when I thought of stopping bringing flowers. Because I thought, realistically, I might not be able to bring them anymore. What if schedules won't permit it? What if I lived somewhere else? What ifs?

Wouldn't it be better to decide not to? Instead of slowly letting it fade into non-existence?

But at the time when I thought about it, L panicked. Said somebody should go and visit. I could feel her urgency to have someone go to her. To represent those feelings. That we remember her. That urgency to say we haven't forgotten her.

But now, I feel like I'm watching that fade into non-existence.

There is no judgement. I understand why. I understand how. I understand it all. I just feel a twinge of sadness to see time pass by. To be reminded of what it takes. And what it leaves behind. I feel like I am standing here, watching it all pass by.

I think, I will be left standing here.

You would have been upset if you knew I wanted to write you a letter. To thank you for wanting to invite me to go on a trip. To tell you I couldn't go..

In the end, I will be standing here.

Whenever think about going, about leaving, I still remember you. 

Remembering you all.

I went out a few days ago. It rained so hard.

I didn't really anticipate that. I knew it would rain but I didn't anticipate that it would rain sso hard. But I needed to run some errands and I wanted to try out the card. Because I wanted to get started using it because apparently there's a promotion going on where I could get my annual fees waived for life if I spend 30k by November. I know that's nothing to some people but, realistically in my life, what else could I possibly spend on other than grocery items? 

But I had a thought, 'What if the card gets declined? What if it needed time after online activation before it gets used?' I actually had a debit card on me, but I just made a deposit on this one to keep it at the maintaining balance. I don't want to rush to the bank the next day to make another deposit! So I actually waited for my sister for hours. Just so she can pay if my card gets declined! 

My sister thought it was funny in a ridiculous way. But! I tried to tap the card at Watson's when I bought a Fino mask and it didn't work. They had to insert the card instead. Same thing with KFC. And I had to ask the KFC employee why and the person said it happens often with this bank... Ha! My fears weren't so unfounded after all!

Got this coffee. Buy one take one. 😁 I was wondering if I should get it and my sister said I should. So I could say I had coffee on the first time I had my credit card. I had gelato, shopped for a beauty product, had a meal, and had coffee. Ahahaha!

I considered showing him the photos but the photos didn't turn out too well. Also, the idea might be too corny! Haha!

My sister asked me how I felt about using a credit card. Eh? I just wanted to know how to use one. My sister said that having a credit card made her feel at ease. She can be anywhere and feel that security that a card can cover for whatever she needs. And I get it.

I saw a Muji store yesterday and outside was a big sign that said, "Cashless Transactions".

And I thought, "Tamang-tama! Wala akong pera!"

Hahahaha!

Before leaving the house, I tried to tame the mess that is my hair. My hair is so thin now. Lost so much hair from so much stress I went through in the last decade. But even which such low hair volume, my hair still looks like a witch's broomstick. Frazzled as hell and hair going in all directions. 😑

Anyway, I bought a hairstick and tried to flatten the wayward hair on top of my head and put a bit of color on my cheeks. And I don't know if sales was just really bad lately or if I just looked semi-decent but I had so many salespeople calling out to me.

I have no money! Just future credit card debt! Hahahaha!

A couple of cashiers in one counter even tried offering me a new credit card, as I was paying with my credit card. One of them even pointed out that my card looked new. And I tried to nod politely and say that it just arrived. And then she said, 'But the BDO credit card has a lot of benefits...' I was like, 'Isa-isa lang po...😅'

I felt a bit unnerved. I prefer being a ghost. Passing by, unseen. So like this and I'm suddenly remembering that I have completely forgotten how to actually look at people's faces, make eye contact and greet them. I know it's part of their job. But I wanted to say, 'It's fine! You don't have to greet me! I don't care if you don't greet me! It's fine!' 😮‍💨 I feel like I have so much I need to relearn.

Too much.