Blackseraphine

 Today I just want to exhale.

It rained so hard when I went to visit you. I crossed floodwaters for you!

You would have been appalled! But I know you would have appreciated it.

Have I been holding my breathe? One thing after another. But August, August...

I think about her. Eight years now. There was a time when I thought of stopping bringing flowers. Because I thought, realistically, I might not be able to bring them anymore. What if schedules won't permit it? What if I lived somewhere else? What ifs?

Wouldn't it be better to decide not to? Instead of slowly letting it fade into non-existence?

But at the time when I thought about it, L panicked. Said somebody should go and visit. I could feel her urgency to have someone go to her. To represent those feelings. That we remember her. That urgency to say we haven't forgotten her.

But now, I feel like I'm watching that fade into non-existence.

There is no judgement. I understand why. I understand how. I understand it all. I just feel a twinge of sadness to see time pass by. To be reminded of what it takes. And what it leaves behind. I feel like I am standing here, watching it all pass by.

I think, I will be left standing here.

You would have been upset if you knew I wanted to write you a letter. To thank you for wanting to invite me to go on a trip. To tell you I couldn't go..

In the end, I will be standing here.

Whenever think about going, about leaving, I still remember you. 

Remembering you all.