Blackseraphine

I mentioned being fat and suddenly he's gone.

😐

Well, to be fair, he has been consistently showing up around our time for months. I was actually surprised and wondered if his schedule changed. And again recently since he's been on all the time.

But today, I mentioned being fat for the first time and now he's not there. 

Did he get scared and say no? (ノ´Д｀)ノ

Hayyy... 

I have thought about it and I don't feel like I'm on the edge of depression. But somehow I feel constantly stressed. Even when I'm not doing something, I feel stressed. My hair is falling out again too.

I have considered the possibility that I'm self-sabotaging myself because I want to be seen at my worst.

To be accepted as I am.

Ugh. I hate saying that. I hate, HATE, acknowledging that part of me. Because anywhere else, I don't really clamor for validation. Which is one of the things I am grateful for about myself. I can have low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and hate myself to the high heavens, but I have this kind of self-assuredness that stops me from wanting to be validated externally.

But it's not absolute. I can't say there isn't a tiny part in there that seeks approval externally. I just don't chase it. Don't do anything to satisfy it. Except for moments like this. 

It's like a reverse way of doing it.

I know it, because this had been my problem before. It is also intertwined with certain beliefs. Like believing that it's shallow to see people as better individuals because of how they dress so I don't make an effort to dress up. It's like vainly trying to go against the grain. I have changed my thoughts about it a little bit, accepting that this is how society thinks and functions and doesn't necessarily indicate that anyone is bad person for following it. Context and nuance exists.

I mean, I think he has something like this too. When he wanted to be seen with his hair unstyled and somewhat messy.

Maybe it's not exactly the same reasoning as mine, but when I saw it I was like, Yeah, I get it.

But this? This is different.

I know men can be brutal about looks. 

Just this week, a saw a post from a poor woman who found out her husband was cheating on her with a coworker. She posted screenshots of messages between her husband and the affair partner. Her husband had the audacity to mock her saying she got fat and loose after giving birth to their three kids.

And me? I was with someone people kept telling me was ugly but I didn't see that. But he certainly had several things to say about how I looked. I was surprised. Back then, I thought people who were criticized for their looks would be kinder about the same thing. But I forgot he also had eyes. 🤷‍♀️

So yeah...

What if I'm like this because part of me wanted him to see me at my worst? To be sure that he actually really likes me?

I won't be mad. Sad, maybe. But I have heard time and time again from men how attraction is deeply important for them.

He said it was important for him too.

So he can say no early, before things go even further. Before I get hurt.