Blackseraphine

 Why do I do this to myself???

I thought that maybe it's the hormones acting up again so I was feeling a bit down today. But then I thought maybe I was starting to get anxious again. The date is drawing close.

And I had found out that it is official, I had gained 20lbs. The weight I worked hard to lose in the last few years, I had gained in a few months. I wasn't even near skinny when I did lose the weight, I could barely be normal

Why do I keep destroying myself?? Why do I always need to see my ugliest self when I know I will be disgusted with myself? Why do I hate myself so much?

Why do I like watching me destroy myself?

I told him I didn't have Cinderella dreams. I told him Snow White was my favorite. But I didn't tell him why. It was because she was beautiful since the day she was born. Skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood, hair as black as ebony. The way they described her was always beguiling to me. And she was precious. That's what she was. From the day she was born they said she was so special and she was precious.

It sounds so vain, and I never grew up to be the stereotype of what vain people are supposed to be like. People who cared so much for how they looked went to great lengths to achieve beauty. I ran the opposite way. I always ran the opposite way. 

I didn't care much about how I looked, didn't make the effort, didn't even think about making myself beautiful. But it didn't mean I didn't care about being pretty. The only effort I exerted was looking at beauty and lamenting internally that I can never be like that.

I've told him I was ugly. Told him I was fat. I've been sending him every fat animal I could see from cats to seals to toads. He probably thinks I'm joking. Or exaggerating. I'm not. I have eyes, I can see what I am. 

I regret showing my younger self. Everybody looks better when they're younger. Now I'm doomed to fail because there's no way I'm even close to that.

Why do I do this to myself? I had seen my progress, I was happy with it, but then I let it slip away. Destroyed it. So completely, it's like it never happened.

Why do I simultaneously hate to be seen like this and yet want to be seen like this?

Why can't I be like other people and want to be seen in a good light? Why do I insist on presenting myself in the most awful way yet also feel terrible about it? And then finding myself scrambling to fix it? Why do I live in this dichotomy?

Why do I cry now when I knew this was happening and I was letting it happen?

I need to hate myself more. Hate myself enough to fix it. Hate myself enough to want to change.

I hate hate hate hate hate myself.