My desk has never stayed neat since the year started. I crave salt and sugar like there's no tomorrow. I gained back the weight I lost and more. I couldn't even control my sleep schedule. I spent the nights wide awake, wanting to never sleep, and I waste the day with long naps like I never want to wake.
This is how I know something is wrong.
I spent the year sabotaging myself, destroying the progress I tried to painstakingly make. I know, the entirety of my being is afraid. And it wants me to find reasons to step back, back to the comfort of the shadows, firmly within these walls. The walls in this room. The walls of my mind.
This past week, talking about myself, my experiences, my circumstances... I didn't feel relief. It just felt like shining a light in the quiet places that I hid for all these years.
And maybe that's why. That's why my mind is scared.
When thinking about everything I talked about, I realize that I have felt like I was fighting this silent battle most of my life. Trying to keep my head above water. Trying to stay alive. Even in the days where my hours were empty, I was in a constant state of stress.
Every change in my life brought pain. Every fight weathered my resolve. My mind knows this and wants to stop me. It's tired of fighting. Tired of the anguish each struggle gives. Tired of the disappointment I feel. Now every step before me brings it fear... it's afraid of what's coming. Afraid of what it brings.
I'm fighting myself and I don't know if I could win.
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