I had a weird thought.
What if he stays in a place I knew? Somewhere where there are places that are open even after midnight?
What if I asked him to come down so we can talk?
Okay, that's stupid. That's not safe. I shouldn't know where he stays. Nobody should. It's better that way. It's safer for him that way.
I think I'm just anxious. I have been wanting to explain things like I said I would but I just can't seem to decide what to say.
And yesterday was the last day of his birthday month... but honestly, I had been feeling guilty since last week. Because...
He must have been feeling really happy on his birthday. And then saying that he's coming...
He must have been so happy! He must have expected us to be happy too! But I ended up being the way that I was...
All those upset feelings I had from the things I saw, the things I read because of the trip and then my own uncertainties and fears from the announcement. In a way, that's why I didn't talk too much. Apart from being upset, I didn't want to unleash all those upset feelings on him all at once. That's why I ended up here!
But still I told him things. Because it's right for him to know and not be kept in the dark. And because I didn't want my feelings to be disregarded- I wanted a relationship where both people's feelings are important.
Now I'm feeling sorry I couldn't be excited for his announcement.
Why couldn't I have grown up to be more... acceptable? Maybe if I was born gorgeous, maybe if I became a functional person with my life in order, maybe things would have been easier. Easier for me. Easier for him.
^
Well. He's not there. I had thought about winging it and just say something to try to explain but he's not there.
He's not there last night either. I don't know why? Did something change again?
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