Blackseraphine

I don't want to be the kind of person who can't laugh at a joke.

I can. And I do recognize that the joke he said was funny. But somehow... it made me sad.

This is not about the First Love. I'm not even mad at her at all. Or the joke they exchanged. I think it's partly because I don't see anything questionable from her. From what very, very little I've seen of her, I actually like her very strong adherence to her sense of self. Honestly? I think he really did like her in the past. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been so self-conscious to hug her with his hips jutting out. 😸 But I don't feel bad about it. And it feels like something that's truly in the past and doesn't have the same meaning in the present. And I try to look at things that way...

But the joke reminded me of these past few weeks. It reminded me... to ask myself, is this what is expected of me? To watch as the interactions become closer? How was it described by somebody else again? Intimate. They said it looked intimate. The worst part is, I can't even completely refute it. 

I hate that I feel this way. I hate thinking this way. I hate it, because I don't want him to stop joking around with people. But at the same time... I feel lost. That's why I thought of again trying to explain but I ended up failing when I couldn't find the video to send to him.

I was talking to him about a show because somebody said the ML and 2ndFL had a mature relationship. It's a situationship that played in the boundaries between intimacy and friendship. And I questioned that. And I told him my thoughts about it.

The ML would lie on the lap of the 2ndFL and both enjoyed a friendship that was a lot closer to an unspoken romance.

I said, if the 2ndFL and 2ndML didn't end up together, would the ML have continued his more-than-a-friendship kind of relationship with 2ndFL even though the ML and FL are together?

I suddenly realized I was describing something similar to what was happening in our own reality. I didn't intend it that way. 

Well... shit. At least I can say I was consistent– in what matters to me, in what bothers me.

I thought I finally stopped crying. 

Am I really supposed to never speak up about this?

Maybe I'm not supposed to because it's not my place.

Maybe that's what less than a lover truly means. 

I'm nothing.

It really made me laugh when I first saw that. 

Now I'm back to crying.

And somewhere in between all of these, I remembered that my 20 year old self wouldn't have put up with this. I would have valued my peace, my sense of self, my beliefs. But now... I can't even think of going.

When I wrote that post that I said I couldn't finish... it felt wrong to even say I'd leave if something goes wrong. Because I don't want to abandon him. I don't want to hurt him like that. But at the same time, I don't want to be the kind of woman who watches while her dignity gets trampled on, who lets herself burn to keep others warm, who loses her soul while loving somebody else.

Why does it have to be a choice between loving someone and keeping your beliefs?