Blackseraphine

Maybe it's because I have been thinking about it the wrong way. I had thought, I'm going to explain so I can finally put all of this behind me.

But maybe there's no such thing as putting this behind me. Just a reality that I was trying to avoid. Maybe the only option for me is to accept reality and that's it.

But haven't I? I wrote this post on July 20 that I couldn't finish:

I had the choice between Companion and "Virgin of Quarry Lake". I looked up the blurb for "Virgin of Quarry Lake" and it sounded like a toxic relationship and I didn't want that. I wanted to avoid a movie that resembles my current situation.

I saw the written bit for Companion and it just says a man and his girlfriend goes to a billionaire's secluded cabin but the girlfriend is not what it seems... and I was like, 'Great! A thriller!' I can watch it in peace!

Why does this story have a woman whose love turned toxic?

Whis is this woman so in love with her boyfriend while her boyfriend uses her and doesn't give a shit about her??

Why is this woman looking back fondly at the beginning of her romance only to find out it was all a sham???

Why did it turn out to be a woman so in love that her love brought harm to herself????

But to be fair, she was in love but she also looked out for herself. Put her well-being first. Because doing so didn't mean she didn't love him. She loved him, but she also wanted to live. 

Huh. A woman after my own heart.

And I believe that too. Leaving doesn't mean you don't love someone. You can love someone and still leave because it's for your own well-being.

That's where I'm at. 

I don't want things to turn out like that too.  

I choose to love, but I don't want to be a martyr.

If loves comes at the cost of my sense of self, I'll disappear.

If there's someone else, I'll disappear. 

Leaving doesn't mean you don't love someone. You can love someone and still leave because there's no dignity in letting someone walk all over you to romance somebody else.

Am I just like that? A companion? A placeholder until something better comes?

But I've always been good at looking out for myself when it came to these things. I made choices no matter what I felt.

My point is, when I wrote this, I had already decided to continue on. Like I said, I choose love. Choose him. But as the days passed since I started that post, the reality became heavier and heavier. Until that Sunday. When I blurted out the truth. I am at the bottom rung importance and I didn't know how to deal with that.