This man! Just made me chuckle!

And I had been thinking about things while I was out. I thought about what I wanted to say. I said I wanted to explain things but I think the combination of hitting my head and seeing him come in that one time softened me. Now I don't know what to say. It was easier when I was angry. I had a thousand words running in my mind, eager to get out. But now..

I felt like I don't have a right to demand anything. What am I going to say? Ask him to set boundaries? I'm not even sure I want to say anything, because I see his friendships as valuable and I don't want him to lose it. And I thought what if things don't end up well? That I'm not what he expected? Not even close to what he wants, what he needs. Not what people think is good enough for him. Then he's going to need someone, someone who's determined enough to get him, someone people would approve of. 

And then lately the news has got me thinking. It made me want to ask, "Are you afraid of me?" 

And honestly? I would understand why. He should be. I'm afraid for him. 

I'm scared everything will be a disappointment for him. I'm scared how things will turn out.

Then I come home to this. After what I said?

😸 Ha... this man... 

How can I stay away? ☺️

I spent so much time here that I feel like I'm cowering in a corner. I can't even tweet to air out my frustration because I might draw attention to myself so I'm keeping it all in. Now I'm stuck here, shouting to the void.

Seriously? Am I the only one who sees what's going on? I even saw the video again, and it's there, plain as day and yet no one said anything about it! 

Pero nung isang kagabi, nagkamali rin ako na binanggit ko yung kay Sister at yung hari. But I already said it, I couldn't change it. It was on my mind because of all the things I was reading so I couldn't help mention it. 

Kasi naman! I really thought in the beginning that Sister was a lot more reserved. Kahit nung nanghiram siya ng shades, or kahit tinutulungan siya ng hari, you could see that there are boundaries between them. But then when girlll and man were doing the photos with the flowers dun sa breakwater, I saw her standing there staring. And I had a hunch. Did Sister notice what girllll was doing? Either she noticed what she was up to or she was just thinking of posing with hari. Either way I think she noticed what girllll was doing. I think she knew. How could she not? She's all giggly and stuff but I think she's quite receptive and smart.

So when she started the massage I was taken aback but at the same time I wasn't as surprised. I think she took the cue from girlll to take the initiative. I mean, in theory, it would sound like a dream becoming a reality right? Yung dalawang couple nagkatuluyan. Mababaliw lahat ng tao. News of the century.

Naisip ko rin, may negative reaction ba ako na nagatttempt siya sa hari? Inisip ko talaga ha. Wala. Hindi ako concerned. Hahaha!

^

Omg! Somebody on Reddit clocked her! Sabi first part pa lang daw napansin na niya na medyo clingy si Sister while the king was maintaining distance! At may nag agree! Somebody said yung hari looked uncomfortable. So ang tanong: bakit walang nakapansin kay girllll na ganito rin? Bakit pag nung hinawakan ni girlll yung balikat walang nakapansin?? Bakit ako lang? 

Obvious reason, magandang image. Nobody wants to say anything because malalagot sila sa mga tagatanggol. Tingnan mo si pretty boy Tea Silver Excellence, ganyan din. Akala mo walang hater pero nung nagkaissue nagdagsaan mga negative comments.

Style talaga nya establishing connection through physical contact. Nung una kong nakita na pinunas yung pintura? Ay wow, pumaparaan para makahipo ha? At very aggressive kasi halos sa body na yun e. Bakit di sa sleeves di ba? Or bakit di nya sa likod nya ginawa katulad ng sa hari? May purpose talaga e. Breaking boundaries through physical touch, creating hooks, getting under the skin.

One more thing I notice that I briefly mentioned, nung tumakbo si girllll, she was running into him. Which I found odd. I even thought I was overreacting.  But nung sina sister yung nanalo, si sister had her hands up to clap— sister was expecting to clap hands! Nung nanalo yung isa, si girllll was running into him, her arms weren't up to clap. Sa tingin ko ang expected nya he'd hug her pero ang ending e she ran into him instead kaya yung hand nya nasa chest nung isa.

^

I did find one pic where somebody said she stamped him, left her mark as if to claim him. Pero I think that was said in jest and not an actual serious observation. I did think about the possibility that this was a common thing people do. Maybe I was overreacting, or I'm wrong. I have to consider the possibility that I could be wrong. Although even if it was a trend, the placement is still a bit sus for me.

^

Okay. I looked it up. Most people didn't. Only a few people had marks. That's what I thought. That it was done intentionally for him. Doing it to the others was an afterthought. Could I be wrong and it was just a whimsical idea? Well, if it was a singular event, I could have thought so too. But after so many things? No.

Pati nga yung idea na kailangan magdiet kasi ang affair daw di pwedeng kiss lang, parang wow ha. Sa mga ganyang kwento yung kabit ang kadalasang may eksenang ganyan, hindi yung asawa. Napaisip tuloy ako na, ano yan? Gusto mo ng chance na magkaroon ng mas matinding physical contact? Baka mas effective? Sabi nga nung isang follower e, diretsong nakatingin si girllll sa guy nung sinabi niya yun. Minsan talaga iniisip ko kung narerealize kaya ng followers na yung akala nila nakakatawa lang e may meaning pala...

I just wanted to explain everything.

It only seemed fair.

But I can't even get my thoughts in order. 

I just started crying.

It's so stupid! Why do I keep crying??

Just thinking about it and in 2 seconds I'm crying!

I don't want to say anything to restrict him. It feels wrong. It feels like it isn't my place. And I genuinely want him to have a good time with friends.

But at the same time, why does it feel like a goodbye? 

Because she seems to be the type who's determined to get her way. The type that gets what she wants. She might try, and try, and try, until she wins. If he goes, will he still be same?

 My days are getting lost to sleep. I just took some hours long nap because my head hurts a bit. 

Lately I've been feeling the front part of head, above the eyebrows, from time to time. It's not really that painful, like on a scale of 1-10 it's about a 1 to 2. It comes and goes away. It's been like this since I hit my head.

But this afternoon, I didn't have that. Instead I could feel the part of my head that was hit. Like it's a 2 and somewhat stuffy. So I decided to put ice on it. And when I did the pain suddenly increased to a 5! I put the ice on there for a while and I was starting to get a little woozy. So I took a very long nap. 🫤

I still don't get what hitting my head meant though. Was I thinking the right way or the wrong way? 

Nagkasalisihan na nanaman kami. Hayyyy....

Minsan may kirot din sa puso pag ganun e. Baka naghintay siya, baka nainip siya. Gusto kong yakapin para mag-sorry! 

It did cross my mind to greet him in the morning even before I slept, but I went to bed at 7am. And I only slept two hours on Sunday morning because I couldn't sleep then. So today... yeah, it was impossible for me to wake up earlier. 

But he came at our time. 🥺 Gusto kong halikan para magsorry!!! 

Hayyy.... 

 I missed you.

I understand that when she pointed where she wants him to go without uttering a word, and he did it, it was part of the fun of the whole thing. I understand that a lot of things are said in jest, said like a joke. To liven things up. To be funny. To entertain.

I know what other people say. That's part of how things are, I get it.

More than what people say, more than what she does, what hurts the most is what he does. Seeing how important she is to him that he can't even say no. That a single word from her makes him comply. 

I was happy to post Totoro. To remind myself of the things that have happened, the things he did, the things he does. To remind myself that everything, everything, is real. And the love I know is there.

But it's been hard to accept that I am at the bottom rung of importance. I pleaded, I begged, I waited...

I'm just struggling to accept that I have very little importance.