Blackseraphine

 I made a mistake. I made a mistake of mentioning that at all.

I didn't want to. I didn't want to ruin our happy days. But I was having a hard time trying to explain what I thought of the character without something to compare it to. Every explanation I had seemed vague, like I just plucked it out of air. I just wanted to stress a point of why what William was doing was wrong.

Maybe it would have been easier if I just straight up told him, please don't ever pretend like William, I don't like that either.

But then if I said that I would debate with myself about what is a plausible and acceptable level in difference of how people should act with a romantic partner.

I mean, a lot of people act a different way depending on who they are interacting with. People tend to be more reserved with parents, less reserved with friends, more corny with partners, that sort of thing. It doesn't mean that they are inherently manipulative by doing so. This means that there is no one final version of how a person acts with everyone and everything, so to say "don't pretend" basically makes a person question, what is the real me? How should the real me act?

But that's not what I mean when I say don't pretend like William. 

William wonders how other men act. And he is unable to perform when it came right down to it, until he was throwing lines with Sara. He was playing a character. He couldn't perform until he played a character. That's how I saw that scene.

So in a lot of other instances with Sara he is pretending- playing a character of how he thinks a man should talk to a girl, playing the character of what he thinks he should be like. 

I know what that is like so I understand Sara. It's incredibly frustrating. You don't know who the person standing before you is.

I messed up. I shouldn't have told him that at all! 

But I also feel like it's wrong not to tell him things?

But I'm also being incredibly hypocritical because I deleted that one message I wrote yesterday.

Because!

By saying that, he might start to wonder about it. If I was younger, it would make sense. But it feels like I'm too old to not to know these things. He might think I'm lying eventhough I'm not.

I'm not playing pretend. I was being...uncertain.

I did think that if he still liked me, then I would tell him in person. If I'm going to be embarrassed, then I would be embarrassed in person.

Actually... I think if it happens, I think I might be excited to tell him in person. 🤭