Blackseraphine

 I thought about it too... 

If I said something wasn't okay, that he was doing something I didn't like, am I interfering? Am I influencing him to be different than who he is?

I know there's a lot about him I don't know.

But at the same time, I feel like I do genuinely like him as a person. If I genuinely like him for who he is, would that make it wrong for me to say something?

It's stupid, because I know the logical answer.

Objectively, I know that liking someone doesn't mean liking everything about them 100%.

But it scares me... 

If I say that I don't like something, does it mean that I don't love him enough?

But if I don't talk, how about me? If it's something that hurts me, should I just let it go? Am I suppose to endure things until I burn out?

And even if it wasn't necessarily hurtful to me, that it was just something that I didn't agree with, something I didn't like, should I never say it?

When the fiasco happened, I considered if I should even tell him about it in the first place. I thought it might hurt him.

When I finally decided that he should know, I considered if I should tell him to not do certain things. I considered if it was wrong to say anything.

Is it overstepping? Is it asking him to be something he is not?

We were hurt for him. And argued for him. Against people who said he was undignified & had no self-respect. And it hurt seeing people talk about him like that.

And then his actions almost wrecked all that effort in a day. For no good reason. Other than he's conscious of people looking at him.

I tried to be gentler with my words and then I wondered if I was too gentle that he didn't hear what I was saying.

And I had thought if this is just who he was, and I wondered if it was me who was in the wrong in the first place for telling him not to do certain things. Maybe it wasn't my place, maybe I had no right...

I wondered if this is how things should be, that I should just keep things to myself and never talk...

I looked at the words I partially wrote last week when I had realized I was angry:

'And I can't even say anything because I'm afraid that if I say anything you don't like you'd disappear.

That's what you do to me.

And I come everyday, and I beg and I plead for you to come back.

And this... is it always going to be like this?

That I would have to be afraid you'd recoil and retreat if you don't like what you hear? That I would have to chase you everytime? Yes, I know, I thought I had done something wrong and that's why you couldn't come. Yes, I know you were sick and it wasn't your fault you couldn't come. Yes, I know being sick was more urgent and important than I was dealing with at the time. 

But, don't you find it strange? You were sick and you couldn't come yet the first thing I thought of was that I had done something wrong you didn't like and that I have to apologize eventhough I don't know what I did. 

Like what happened those two months from April.

What if I was also vulnerable? What if I was the one who was sick? Am I still expected to be the one to chase you?'

And it's something that his own friend had talked about before that he had a line that can't be crossed.

And I think I've seen that in some way. 

For all his good qualities, for his understanding and patience, I think there are times he might be quick to judge; he can see something at surface value and immediately shun it.

No talking. No discussions. No looking for explanations. Just immediately close his door.

When I was very sick last year, my biggest fear was that I'd die and he might immediately think I abandoned him because no one would be able to tell him.