Blackseraphine

 I'm in the same place as I was last week.

On Tuesday morning, the emptiness I felt let me sleep through.

By midnight, I cried for the first time in days. The exhaustion, the lack of sleep finally got to me.

On Wednesday, I woke up at past seven. I hadn't intended to.  I didn't set any alarm. I thought it was a fluke. I went back to sleep.

I spent the last couple of days doing the things I had put off because I spent my time and focus on him. I caught up on lost sleep. Did the tasks I had been meaning to do. 

But in the moments in between, I spent that time wrestling with my own mind. From calmness to anger and back again, I picked apart my own thoughts.

On Thursday, I woke up at our time. 

It's not a mistake. It's memory. I remember our habits and how we were.

I was missing him. 

I thought about talking to him but I wasn't sure what to say. I can't just show up and pretend nothing happened, that I didn't just go quiet for a few days over nothing. I had to tell him, but I didn't know how.

I came here to gather my thoughts. To make sense of the things that had been on my mind since that Monday.

I looked at that cat on the roof and thought, Maybe he'd like that.

Why can't we be like that?

Why can't we have coffee shop dates like everyone else?

Why can't we just hold each other and make up?

And then the cat popped up to bother me and I laughed!

It's like Heaven sent a proxy and was like, "Here! Hold this instead!"

And I'm thinking about the cat now and was wondering where she is, thinking maybe she was sent in at the time to stand in for him and now that's gone, you're on your own...

And I looked over behind me and suddenly I see her sleeping:

In the end, I couldn't say anything. He probably had work and I didn't want to ruin it. 

I thought about that one too. I thought, today, I can be strong enough to say that I can handle it on my own. Suck it up and keep things to myself so it doesn't affect him. But how about in the future? Can I say that in the future? What if I get hurt so badly and tell myself, I don't care if it affects him or not, I'm going to talk about it– if I did that, would he understand? 

Would he understand that I can't always be strong and absorb things for his benefit? 

Or would he think that I've changed or that he was wrong about me?

In the end, I still couldn't tell him about it. Still worried it will affect his work.

And I couldn't go back to talking as if nothing happened because something did happen.