He's so annoying!

I'm so annoyed that I love this man, I want to squish his face!!

Yeah, yeah, heaven scolded me and sent a snake

Shit. 

Now that I think about it... it's kinda pathetic to have said I was scared of the snake.

He was the first person I thought of telling.

I wasn't planning to talk to him, except to say good night. But he was the first person I thought of to tell about the snake.

It's stupid. I'm stupid.

I had done this before. When my bag got slashed when I was in college and almost got robbed, I called that person and he came to meet me to comfort me. I shouldn't have called and handled it myself.

It's kinda stupid no? Why is my life having a repeat performance? 

I become an idiot in these situations. 

Not very "strong, empowered woman" of me.

😩

 Kim Ji Young should have just left the world.

Save herself from everything and just leave the world. 

Even if her husband didn't do anything wrong, didn't hit her or cheat her, he was hardly able to do anything either. He was passive. He let things happen to her until it was too late.

 I've put everything on private except X. I wanted to take down that one too. But it's for others now so I can't do anything about it 

After a week, two weeks... I had been noticing that he was coming to see me. But maybe that was just a fluke. 

Welcome. Finally. 

So maybe not.

Am I that easy to take for granted?

Always. 

I guess my life is just meant to be consumed by people. My family. People I loved. I was meant to be consumed and burned to the ground.

I was never meant to be alive.

 Just when I thought I was feeling better...

I am reminded how awful things actually are.

From my own life to everything else....

I should just delete everything.

Me included.

^ Heaven has a sense of humor because He sent a snake outside our door!

I was going to turn on the light and I saw the tail half of a snake slithering away in the ditch!

When I said I wanted to delete myself, I meant by my own hands! In my own time! Not in a panic and in agony after being bitten by a snake!!!

Fine! I don't want it anymore! Okay!!! 🫩

 My sister, the monumental asshole.

We were talking about something and I mentioned I saw a video yesterday about a woman who tried to buy a house twice.

The first one is "Pasalo"- in property terms, it's an arrangement where the buyer assumes the original owner's responsibility in paying for the property. So the buyer pays a lump sum to the owner, and pays for for the remainder of payments the original owner is supposed to pay. Because most of these arrangements are done without proper legal documentation, a lot of these arrangements have issues and may not be legally permissible.

In the case of the woman in the video, it turned out that the spouse of the person who went into the arrangement with them was also on the property title but didn't know about the arrangement. So the arrangement wasn't legal, and the woman/buyer was forced to vacate the property. All the money they had already paid? They couldn't get it back. I could just imagine the asshole who 'sold' them the house: "Oh, you paid for our payments? Thank you".  -_-

And I remembered my uncle's property. It was the same type of arrangement. But this was done decades ago when these types of arrangements weren't popular yet. My uncle thought he was smart enough to ask the person for a written agreement, but he was so anti-government, he didn't put it through the proper legal channels. 

When he died, my dad found out how messy the documents were. And he was sorting it out with my sister and it basically became my sister's responsibility. It's been decades and it still hasn't been resolved. So when I saw this video, I thought my uncle's property was in the same boat. Basically, we might not be able to recover it and everything he paid for would be gone.

Sabi ko "Naalala ko yung kay Tito. Wala na talaga yun. Thank you na lang yun. Di na mahanapan ng paraan."

She said, "Anong 'thank you'?"

I said, "Hindi na mahanapan ng paraan."

She said with this condescending look on her face, "E di kung gusto mo e di ikaw humanap ng paraan."

I was stunned. She misunderstood. Without even thinking it through, she immediately thought I was criticizing her because she was the one who was in charge of getting the documents of the property fixed and she hasn't worked on it for years. I remember that she let it slip that she borrowed money from our house's funds to use on getting those documents fixed. I just can't remember how much: 150,000? 180,000? And I think that's why she immediately got upset, she thinks she's being attacked because although she would never admit it, she knows that money is gone– "thank you".

She's sensitive to any and all things she thinks is criticism of her and she's quick to turn it around against me. 

Sabi ko, "Bakit ako? E kakasabi ko nga na hindi mahanapan ng paraan? Ako nga mismo hindi ko maisipan ng paraan. Kakasabi ko nga 'Di mahanapan ng paraan' so bakit ako ang hahanap ng paraan? Ang salbahe mo, inaaway mo pa ako!"

She realized she messed up and started to do small talk about my credit card, telling me to open up the app to see if we've reached the spending requirement to get the annual fees waived for life. When I barely reacted she started showing me Youtube shorts. I know what she's doing. She's trying to deflect from what she did. I ignored her videos and reacted as minimally as possible.

She walked out. She's a victim in her own mind, so she's probably lamenting how much her sister was "mean to her". Zero accountability whatsoever.

 What do I want?

This was the question I had left last week. 

I want to be able to tell him things without the fear that he'd suddenly shut me out if he doesn't like the things he hears.

If he's mad, he could at least tell me why.  Not quickly recoil and retreat. What if I said something hastily and he misunderstood what it meant? 

I understand being cautious. But if he's on the lookout for something negative- a bad word, a sign of rejection

If I did something wrong in his eyes, he should tell me why. Is it fair for him to punish me in silence without me understanding why?

I get it. People like us, we are cautious. But if we're always on the lookout for something negative- a bad word, a sign of rejection- then act because of it, then aren't we sabotaging the good that already exists? I know, because I fight myself too from thinking about the negative. But does he? Is he aware that he does that too?

 If somebody anticipates only the negative, then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I want a relationship where two people are working to make it better. 

That sounds unfair to him, but I'm not sure he realizes that what I do isn't easy either.

I don't want the burden and fault of whether a relationship is good to be solely on my shoulder. What if I'm weak? What if I'm vulnerable? I can't always be happy. I can't be expected to never be angry. What happens if I'm angry? 

If whether a relationship is good or not weighs only on my shoulder, what happens when I'm angry? What happens when I'm sad? Will the relationship fall apart because I'm the only one expected to hold it up? 

I'm human too. If the other person can't step in to hold the relationship up when the relationsh 

In my life there are many times where I feel like I'm the one who can understand their emotions, so I step up, carry the burden, and find myself spent and burnt out with zero recognition of what I had done.

I can't handle everyhing on my own.

I want a relationship that will last.

I want this to last.