Blackseraphine

 What do I want?

This was the question I had left last week. 

I want to be able to tell him things without the fear that he'd suddenly shut me out if he doesn't like the things he hears.

If he's mad, he could at least tell me why.  Not quickly recoil and retreat. What if I said something hastily and he misunderstood what it meant? 

I understand being cautious. But if he's on the lookout for something negative- a bad word, a sign of rejection

If I did something wrong in his eyes, he should tell me why. Is it fair for him to punish me in silence without me understanding why?

I get it. People like us, we are cautious. But if we're always on the lookout for something negative- a bad word, a sign of rejection- then act because of it, then aren't we sabotaging the good that already exists? I know, because I fight myself too from thinking about the negative. But does he? Is he aware that he does that too?

 If somebody anticipates only the negative, then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I want a relationship where two people are working to make it better. 

That sounds unfair to him, but I'm not sure he realizes that what I do isn't easy either.

I don't want the burden and fault of whether a relationship is good to be solely on my shoulder. What if I'm weak? What if I'm vulnerable? I can't always be happy. I can't be expected to never be angry. What happens if I'm angry? 

If whether a relationship is good or not weighs only on my shoulder, what happens when I'm angry? What happens when I'm sad? Will the relationship fall apart because I'm the only one expected to hold it up? 

I'm human too. If the other person can't step in to hold the relationship up when the relationsh 

In my life there are many times where I feel like I'm the one who can understand their emotions, so I step up, carry the burden, and find myself spent and burnt out with zero recognition of what I had done.

I can't handle everyhing on my own.

I want a relationship that will last.

I want this to last.