Blackseraphine

 I was talking about Mother's day this morning and remembered I didn't greet mine. We normally don't celebrate it anyway so it's not something that would have been missed.

But since I'm deleting most posts anyway I'll speak about this now...

I have noticed that she doesn't meet me at yhe door the way she does for my sister.  During Covid we started this habit of disinfecting with alcohol when someone arrives. Apart from my mother being elderly, my elderly Aunt was a risk at well. So anyonethat gets home should spray some alcohol. Since I was the one who was usually left here, I meet them at the door with a bottle of alcohol and most of the time I'd help disinfect their bags. Covid mostly passed but we still kept this habit.

Was it a year ago? I noticed that when it was me who arrived home, my mother doesn't do the same for me. Even if she sees me through the screen door. She'd just stare. I even had to ask for the bottle when she just ignored that I arrived. Fine. Maybe she doesn't see the need. But recently, when we were at home at it was my sister whonjust arrived, I noticed that she went to get her the alcohol bottle. Huh. So she does see the need. Just not with me.

And I considered that maybe it was because I was being cold and distant at times.  It started with thos huge fight between me and my sister. We were yelling at each other and I would repeatedly try to leave. My own mother called me back multiple times. Because it seemed like I was running away at refuse to fix things. But what was there to fix when my sister was just pointing her finger at me, cursing me, insulting me? When I argued back, and my sister struggled to "win", my mother began to say "Bahala kayo dyan" as if in resignation and distancing herself from the argument she kept demanding I come back to. It was as if she only called me back so my sister can mock and belittle me. And when I didn't stay quiet to take the verbal and emotional abuse she suddenly wanted to excuse herself from it.

Since then I was colder, more distant. And since then they were trying to be nicer. 

For every Sunday, weeks after that incident, my mother would cook my favorite food. My sister tried to be nicer too, doing things for me including cooking. I wanted to laugh at the absurdity. It wasn't an indirect apology that seems common in Asian households. No. This one is to reel me back in, to cause me to forgive and forget and go back to being quietly compliant. I know..because this same cycle has happened most of my life. I would be upset, they would completely ignore why and just try to bribe me with something, mostly food. They have no actual respect for me.

I'm not jealous that she meets my sister at the door with the bottle of alcohol. Although I can't deny that I am upset that a basic reciprocation of actions was not met, I am not jealous. And if she acts like this because of I'm being distant, then why does she try to hug me? I hate it. 

My mother was not a hugger. In my childhood I remember my mother kissing me on the cheek in public only on special occasions. Hugs were also rare. Once a year? Twice? I don't care. She had a tough childhood and never grew up with or learned to express affection. I give her grace for that. That's why it so odd that the number of times she motioned for a hug has increased, and it started after that argument. I tried to avoid the hugs but she would even sometimes insist. I hate it. Are the emotions fake? She doesn't look like she's forcing herself to hug me so it could be real. But the intention? I have no doubt that this is also part of the means to get me back. Because this is our cycle. I would be upset, they'd do something, I would recognize their effort, I would forgive, I would forget... the same way people would appease a dog they stepped on. I am that dog.