A massive reality check.
Now I don't know where I stand or what to do.
Do I talk the same way? Say the same things?
Because it seems things aren't how I thought they were.
A massive reality check.
Now I don't know where I stand or what to do.
Do I talk the same way? Say the same things?
Because it seems things aren't how I thought they were.
I had stupidly dreamed of spending my next birthday with you. But it's day without any significance for you.
I know I can't expect a greeting.
But a little sign at least?
Posted a story and completely forgot about me.
Thinking back, I had so much stress thinking about the future. The things I worried about...
Well, I guess I don't have to stress so much about thinking about if I could ever go and meet. I cried so much about that. Now I'm thinking at least I haven't renewed my passport yet. No rush. :(
It seems I got everything wrong. Walls back up.
I had originally planned to spend the day chatting, intermittently. I had looked forward to it for days.
But a wave of disappointment came over me.
Was I forgotten? Again?
...
If I stop wanting, if I stop caring, then things would be easier.
Some days the heart feels like a ball, bouncing against the walls, high up into the sky, falling hard back to the ground, then bounced around once more.
It's been seven years.
Seven years since my father passed.
Seven years since my friend passed.
I thought I wouldn't be affected.
When August started, I felt the heaviness weigh upon me.
This year, my Aunt had passed. In the seventh year.
And all these things compounded.
This imaginary deadline loomed over me.
Back then, I thought, in seven years things would be different.
In seven years, things would have changed.
I would have changed.
And life changed in a direction I had not anticipated.
The seven years had passed in a way that I had not imagined.
Have I grown better? No.
But I had a better understanding of how I grew to become the way that I am now.
Have I achieved my dreams? No.
But the dreams changed. And what I wanted is clearer now than it ever was.
I told myself, the seventh year would be the last year before I stepped back out...
I had hoped for things that didn't come to pass. Some things got worst. But I want to do better. For myself.
And then, when that happens, I want to face my Peace.
When my father passed and left the care of my Aunt to us, I told myself, "This is my life now."
Life has changed and I had to adapt. I pushed aside my own issues because theis was more pressing, more real.
Now, after two months, I'm saying it again.
Life has changed and I have to learn to adapt to it. It felt so strange at first after so many years. But in those final moments, as I played a song to comfort her, I thought it was a message to comfort me too.
This is my life now.
If there's something I want for 2025, it's to stop running away.
At the very end of February, it seems too late to make a new years resolution. But two months out and I still feel like I don't have my footing. My January at least has me excused due to being ill for most of the month. And February?
Last year was an eye-opener for me. On the surface, I thought my year was empty. All the things I had set out to do, either didn't happen or fell extremely short of expectations. But when I looked closely, some things that I didn't even plan, things that I didn't expect, came to me unexpectedly. Like a gift.
Something wonderful and precious.
It was something I have never imagined getting. It wasn't even an idea in my mind. I was just doing something that made me smile and thought, 'What would I do if I didn't think about anything else?'
For the first time in a very long time, I didn't put my fears and worries front and center. I treated it like it didn't exist, and did what I wanted. It was the first time in a long time that I felt truest to myself.
I learned something valuable: not to lead with my insecurity, my anxiety, my fears.
I think about the ways I ruled myself out, where I repressed and supressed myself, and denied myself my emotions, my needs. Maybe I don't know if I'm going to fall flat on my face, maybe I would, but why assume it's going to happen before it has even come to pass? Before it even came close? Maybe it was useful, once upon a time, to protect oneself like that. But what could I have lost in all this time by thinking like that? What wonderful things did I miss out on? I think I've grown accustomed to thinking, 'No, this isn't for me', turned my back and walked away without resistance. I thought it was acceptance of what I couldn't change but maybe I did it because it was easier. To let myself down before life itself disappoints me.
This year, I want to learn to face what's before me instead of turning away. I want to learn to step forward instead of running away. Let's see how far this goes.