If there's something I want for 2025, it's to stop running away.
At the very end of February, it seems too late to make a new years resolution. But two months out and I still feel like I don't have my footing. My January at least has me excused due to being ill for most of the month. And February?
Last year was an eye-opener for me. On the surface, I thought my year was empty. All the things I had set out to do, either didn't happen or fell extremely short of expectations. But when I looked closely, some things that I didn't even plan, things that I didn't expect, came to me unexpectedly. Like a gift.
Something wonderful and precious.
It was something I have never imagined getting. It wasn't even an idea in my mind. I was just doing something that made me smile and thought, 'What would I do if I didn't think about anything else?'
For the first time in a very long time, I didn't put my fears and worries front and center. I treated it like it didn't exist, and did what I wanted. It was the first time in a long time that I felt truest to myself.
I learned something valuable: not to lead with my insecurity, my anxiety, my fears.
I think about the ways I ruled myself out, where I repressed and supressed myself, and denied myself my emotions, my needs. Maybe I don't know if I'm going to fall flat on my face, maybe I would, but why assume it's going to happen before it has even come to pass? Before it even came close? Maybe it was useful, once upon a time, to protect oneself like that. But what could I have lost in all this time by thinking like that? What wonderful things did I miss out on? I think I've grown accustomed to thinking, 'No, this isn't for me', turned my back and walked away without resistance. I thought it was acceptance of what I couldn't change but maybe I did it because it was easier. To let myself down before life itself disappoints me.
This year, I want to learn to face what's before me instead of turning away. I want to learn to step forward instead of running away. Let's see how far this goes.