I'm a spectator in someone's life and I am in awe.

The way that small efforts snowball into an incredible display of attention and affection. Not that I'm envious of attention or affection- I haven't had much of either so they would scare me as much as a pack of hyenas would. But doesn't stop me from admiring the process. Small things put out into the world and it returns to you a hundred fold. There's something special about it. 

Change. I'm wishing for something like that too. A butterfly effect that ripples through my life. 

I'm embarassed to say that I've been on the internet nearly everyday for more than half of my life and I am still so woefully out of touch.

I was chatting with a friend on FB messenger (ancient, we are) and suddenly my interface changed to a darker color. I didn't even know it was possible to change the theme from the other person's end! (I'm just inches away from boomerhood, i can feel it.)

I'm mostly just a passive participant in the online space. Feels like I'm aimlessly wandering sometimes. Our PC broke since December and that only made it worse. I miss watching horror movies.

I've been spending a lot of time on Instagram instead. I learned more about Instagram in the last couple of months than in the last five years that I've had the app. And that's just as a viewer, not a poster.

I haven't figured out how to get IG notifications from select accounts though. I removed IG notifications just because it was bothersome to get notified for everything every time.

I've been relying on ESP to figure out whether my favorite IG account has posted a story.

So this account that barely posts anything, posted content and stories in close succession and then - silence. Dude, c'mon! Now I realize why those influencers schedule their postings and stuff, 'cause this does feel like a sugar crash and I'm having a withdrawal.

I know, I know. I know it's kinda weird and I'm not owed content. I just miss the distraction.

I should have been a celebrity because people have been curious about my business.

I've been out and about for four days and I've already got two neighbors asking questions.

One asked me if I've graduated. HUH? Yeah, eons ago! It was so out of the blue and so strange because, Hello! Yeah, we're neighbors but I have never in my life ever started a conversation with this person much less asked a weird personal question. Does this person wanna see my diploma?

The other one asked how was my dad. Um, he died four years ago. She was so shocked and said she didn't know. Like, how? When I know your brother who lives right next to you does! Then she just abruptly leaves. Uh, thank you for reminding me that my dad's dead, I guess?

You know my mother regularly waters the plants outside, you can go bother her and she has no filter. She wouldn't mind the talk. But I do. 

This is the reason I avoid people! Just last month, another person asked me personal questions. Mentioned, too, that I lost weight- no, that does not make me feel better about you asking me questions. Telling me multiple times I lost weight as if I didn't hear you the first time, what were you expecting me to do? Jump for joy? Telling me, 'You know, you lost weight.' Silence. 'You lost weight.' Silence. 'You lost weight.' I mean, what do I say to that? I can't think of anything to say because we don't actually talk nor am I interested in any conversation with you. 'Gee, thanks! You look... old.' Omg.

Obviously the celebrity thing is a joke. But I am always surprised when people even know I exist since I've pretty much kept to myself my entire life. 

It was surprising when I found out from a friend in college that some people from the other class were talking about us. It was startling when a girl that I thought looked somewhat familiar recognized that we went to the same high school. I bolted out of the store we were in as fast as I could. Embarrassing, I know.  The social anxiety kicked in before I could stop it. 🙃

Recently, a friend started dumping a ton of old photos on Facebook and I was in a few of them. I looked like shit. To be fair, I looked like shit in almost all of my photos, probably why I hated getting them. My college graduation photo was probably the most atrocious. Back in the day, faces like mine with hooded/monolid eyes and fat cheeks weren't well represented so I don't think most MUAs knew how to do our makeup. I paid for my graduation/yearbook photo with makeup services and I looked like someone's auntie in my early 20s. Absolutely terrible and I paid for that trauma.

In high school, nearly my entire class would run up front to be part of group photos someone decided to take. I sat back one day while they took photos and then I just kept doing that. I'm sure there are other photos taken by somebody else that I'm a part of but I'm pretty sure I almost never enjoyed the experience.

Throughout the rest of my life I've managed to avoid having my photo taken if I can help it. But for years now I've been regretting it. I wish it was as easy for me to take a photo of myself and feel nothing about it. When I see other people with all these photos of themselves acting like little bookmarks in the timeline of their lives I feel envious. I could step out of this world and it would be as if I never existed.