Blackseraphine

He showed up at our usual time.

I was thrilled!

I was really happy about that and it also eased my worries.

I thought it was karma. I thought this whole thing was heaven slapping me at the backside of my head for thinking stupid thoughts and acting accordingly.

I called him 'boyfriend' and I was all nervous.

It was a strange and unusual thing.

Boyfriend.

I've never done the labels thing so it was strange and unusual for me. But truthfully, I have thought of it before. I thought about being able to call him that.

But slowly I felt a coldness creeping inside of me.

I felt distance. It was me. I was feeling distant.

I knew what it was. My mind wanted to run away.

I had been struggling, and hating myself for it, that when I stopped when the new year came, I felt relief. I thought I'd give myself a break, then eventually try to get back on track. But I started to self-sabotage again, killing any progress I made. I can't even go to sleep.

So when this happened, I was happy, but my messed up head is panicking in other places. It was anticipating struggle, pain, desperation. It was fearful and wanted to run away.

What am I gonna do? I couldn't tell him that. He might misunderstand and think that I didn't want this.

I do! My head is just messed up, fearful and overthinking at each turn. That's why I rely on tears to tell me how I truly feel. Because my mind is used to running away and supressing my emotions to protect myself and survive.

It's been bothering me and I wanted to tell him. But he might take it the wrong way...

What do I tell him?

Hey, I felt cold when I called you that. But don't think I changed my mind! You want to know what I actually think?

I've been thinking about having babies. Two. A boy and a girl.

With you. Only you.

I can't tell him that! That will scare him! Even I think that's scary! I don't even know how to change diapers!

I'm probably too old to have them and now I'm sad!

These stupid hormones are really messing with my head.

It's so premature! I don't even know if we'd get along, or have the same values or how we'd work through our differences! I just don't know! We're not even in that kind of place yet...

And then I remember it's my fault we're not moving forward like that....