Blackseraphine

 I spent over two hours preparing and making our food last night. We had planned to watch the latest episode of From the other day so I was making the food for that. She was wherever. Asleep, I guess. So it was just me finding ingredients, preparing tools, making the dough, prepping the oven. By the time she showed up, I made her help by at least adding toppings. Almost three hours on my feet, including cleaning up. I was very hungry, very tired, very sleepy.

Then she went to the bathroom. She was going to shower. But she was taking longer than usual. I yelled at her if she was done in the bathroom. I was even worried that she might have started cleaning the bathroom! My sister has a tendency to think that other people should just follow her schedule. It was almost 2am at this point. 

She didn't answer when I yelled and after waiting for a bit, I started eating with another movie playing on my phone. When she came out, she excitedly yelled, "From! From! From!" expecting me to suddenly drop what I was doing to rush setting up my phone to watch the episode. I got irritated. My hands were oily, my phone was on 20% and I was tired. And here I'm expected to make the effort again. I yelled back, "Sa phone mo na!" 

I could tell from her face that she felt embarrassed. So what did she do? She yelled louder at me and said we're not gonna watch From anymore. And she said it like she was punishing a child by threatening me and witholding a treat. And then she yelled more things at me saying I was yelling when she was in the bathroom. Was I wrong for being upset and cranky with her? Yes. But I was also too hungry and too tired and I wanted to go to sleep, and I was just keeping it together so I can keep that agreement that we're gonna watch From.

And this is what I mean when I think about not wanting a man who matches my negative feelings. I was upset, but no, my sister had to be even more upset! Because I was upset! Wtf, is this a competition?

I've been thinking of doing that list of red flag qualities that I don't like. And it's funny because some of those qualities that I don't like are just things my sister does regularly. And that is a shitty realization looking at a man and thinking he's a male version of my sister. You get used to being abused that you end up dating someone with the same qualities; you just didn't notice it because the traits felt 'familiar.' 

So I was sitting there eating and coming up with the infuriating realization that I spent the majority of my life being my sister's emotional punching bag and regulator. Even if I didn't start the argument, even if I wasn't being cranky to her, she takes out her negative emotions on me so she can feel better.

I think she saw my face and realized I had that I was in that mood– the kind of mood where I willingly go mute and refuse to interact with her as much as possible. I know people say the silent treatment is manipulative. But I don't do the silent treatment to manipulate or gain an advantage. It's to protect what's left of my sanity especially from a narcissist who uses my reaction as fuel for even more abuse from her.

Can you call that ironic? Me doing the silent treatment on her the other week while he was doing the silent treatment on me.

Also, I think she suddenly realized that it was me who did most of the work on the food that she was about to eat. So she did try to find the episode of From for us to watch. I thought of not watching it anymore but then I decided, fuck it. Nothing's going to change this shitty situation anymore amd pride will have little bearing on future outcomes. She will still do this again next time. I will have to go through this again next time. I decided I was just going to rage-eat my entire share of food and drown my misery with Coke.

I couldn't sleep afterwards. I was so tired but I couldn't fall asleep. Finally went to sleep at around 7am I think. Woke up this morning expecting him to be there but he wasn't. Oh. I wasn't even able to leave a message. I went back to sleep. When I posted this morning, I thought about saying that I was happy he's back, but I was anxious about saying it out loud. Because the last time I had been happy about it and said everything was good, he had stopped coming to see me for days. Maybe he's just busy today.

I'm just tired today.

I'm tired of the realization of what went wrong in my life. I'm tired of having little say in how I live. I'm tired of being a minion. I'm tired of needing to manage other people's emotions.

My soul is tired, my emotions are tired, my mind is tired. I'm just tired.